


Gnomeland Security

by Ultimatefan



Series: Gnomeland 'Verse [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Doggy Style, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Garden Gnomes, Gardening, Gnomeland Security, Golden Lace, Gratuitous Smut, I'm Going to Hell, Kama Sutra, Lacey swag, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, NSFW, Oral Sex, Pop Culture, Rumbelle - Freeform, Rumors, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Humor, Shameless Smut, Shower Sex, Spanking, Table Sex, Vibrators, and suddenly SUPER NSFW, detatchable shower heads, hey look more tags, i'm garbage, pearl necklace kink, sort of, the art of pissing off Mr. Gold, x-rated gnomes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-07-28 23:39:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 46,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7661683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultimatefan/pseuds/Ultimatefan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Normally, people know not to mess with Mr. Gold, namely not to irritate him in any way shape or form, but his lovely, snarky new neighbor doesn’t seem to be aware of that yet, nor does she care.</p><p>***8/3 UPDATE: Hey look at that, the rating jumped up the 'E' already! :pervyface:</p><p>***8/11 UPDATE: I'm incredibly pleased to give a MASSIVE shout out to endangeredslug on Tumblr (a.k.a Endangered_Slug here on Ao3) for this fic's official title! Woo!<br/>So I was at my parents’ house when I read this suggestion for the title and literally almost fell out of my fucking chair laughing while my brain simultaneously exploded from overexposure to pure awesome, to where my mom knocks on the door of the room I’m in and sees me half dying with laughter like ‘wth’ holy shit, dude, that was pure GOLD XD</p><p>Thanks to all who provided title suggestions via Tumblr, and to everybody who's been reading this fic, you all are adorable and I love you <3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gnome-an's Land

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dear Mr. Kerin...](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/218692) by Shit Rough Drafts. 



> Holy crap, first legit fanfic EVER ...This is gonna be interesting o_o;
> 
> No beta for this (besides myself lol), so feel free to let me know if there's any kind of major mistakes anywhere
> 
> Enjoy!

           Storybrooke, a quaint little town in Maine, didn’t usually have all that much going on. Pretty much the entire population had either lived there their whole lives, or had lived out a very large chunk of their lives here. And why wouldn’t they? The economy was pretty decent, there were nice places to live, and even nicer people. So why the hell was Lacey French, of all people, pulling up to her newly purchased, little blue house on the outskirts of this little town when she looked like she belonged in someplace like New York or Chicago way more?

  
            Lacey sighed, but then perked up a bit, smiling at what she saw once she stepped out of her beater Honda. This house wasn’t _quite_ as pretty as the pictures had made it out to be, but it was still cute, and with a little TLC, it should be good as new and just right for her. It was an older Victorian-looking house with a faded blue color painted on the outside that sat between an almost majestic-looking salmon-colored Victorian, and a quaint little white house. There was also a tiny, adorable little front porch that was just big enough to maybe put a couple of chairs and an end-table on, but what had really attracted her to this particular house (besides the pretty baby blue color) in the first place was the front and back yard. The house itself may have been small in square-footage, but the perfect-sized front yard, and large backyard made it completely worth it. Granted, similarly to the house itself, the yards needed work done on them as well. There were weeds growing in patches all over the place, and the grass had grown a bit too tall from a lack of care, since a soulless bank had owned it rather than a loving owner for quite a bit of time. This property was worn down a bit from hard times, but still capable of charming people with its looks, and had the potential to make a lot of people happy once people got to know it, just like Lacey herself. It was absolutely _perfect_.

  
            After her mother passed away due to natural causes 5 years ago, and her father followed her not too long afterwards, Belle French had no idea what to do with herself. Her family had run a flower shop back then, which had been successful, at least to a point. They were able to pay all their bills on time, save a bit here and there when there were more successful months than not, and they never went hungry. They were never really all that wealthy, but they didn’t really mind, since they lived a good, happy life together as a family. They grew all the flowers they sold themselves in their backyard and in the small greenhouse they had scrimped and saved to buy so they could have a larger variety of flowers, and even try to make their own breeds of flowers, too. Once her parents were gone; however, all that was gone, along with her happiness. How could she possibly go on as the Belle French everyone knew and loved, when she felt so empty that even her own name felt strange and foreign when speaking it?

           Thus, selling the flower shop, going through her parents’ wills, paperwork, paperwork, and _more_ paperwork later, she became Lacey French, and she was starting a new life. She did whatever (and sometimes _whomever_ ) she pleased, whenever she pleased, never took “no” for an answer, and never shirked a chance for a new experience or adventure, never staying in one place for too long. No matter what she seemed to do; however, she still felt empty. She thought that that had changed for a while when she started dating a handsome fellow named Gaston at one point; however, upon discovering his brutal attitude, and even more brutal strength a ways into their relationship, something snapped, telling her to get away from all this madness and start over, yet again. And now, here she was, about to enter a house she could actually call her own, and even better, finally plant a new garden to keep her family close to her heart.

  
            She nodded to herself happily where she stood, as if to confirm she was happy with her decision, and opened the trunk of her car to start unloading her things.  
  
****  
  
            The next day, after a visit to the grocery store and grabbing some necessary supplies around town, she decided she wanted to do some work in her new back yard a bit. She hadn’t really organized a whole lot in the house, and she knew there was _plenty_ of maintenance work to do too, but she wanted to at least _start_ on part of the yard since there was a bit of an April shower predicted to hit in a couple days, she didn’t want to get absolutely _covered_ in mud, and she knew she wouldn’t have a whole lot of spare time during weekdays once she started her new job that had a 30 minute commute each way. Obviously there would be _some_ dirt and grime involved in creating and managing a garden, but, more often than not, she’d woo her way into having other people do more of the ‘heavy lifting’ and dirtier work for her when it was required, so she figured it wouldn’t be too much of a problem. She usually preferred enlisting the help of strong, handsome men since batting her eyelashes and maybe showing a bit of extra leg had them wrapped around her little finger in a heartbeat, and, over time, it became as natural as breathing for her. And speaking of handsome men…

            The white-picket fence between her house and the salmon-colored house was quite high (for someone of her height at least); however, from the angle she happened to look towards it, and through a deteriorated knot in one of the planks revealed her new neighbor. He was reading what seemed to be a newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee, with his gorgeous brown eyes slowly moving left to right. His head also moved just enough where his brown, shoulder-length hair would reflect just the tiniest bit of sunlight that threatened to invade the shade of his back patio, letting bits of silver shine prettily on his head. Lacey had done some… _interesting_ things in the past, some of which she wasn’t very proud of, but even she had enough morality to know that she really shouldn’t be staring at her neighbor like a creeper through a little knot in a fence…

             ...Actually, no. You know what? Screw it. Lacey French wanted to get a good eyeful of this guy before going back to work, and damnit, her curiosity was getting the better of her now, too. She slowly took some steps backwards, minding not to trip on anything and cause a commotion. Then, once she was away from the fence just enough to peek over the edge to _really_ look at him, she nearly dropped the pair of hedge-clippers she already held rather precariously in her smaller hands. Turns out he was sitting on a pretty nice looking outdoor chair that had a reclining function, letting his bare legs stretch out in front of him. What really caught her eye, though, was that he happened to be wearing a nice dark blue robe that lazily parted at the top, revealing a very toned, and surprisingly tan chest that had her practically drooling.

             Now _this_ was quite an interesting experience for Lacey, since, in the places she had lived previously, she tended to hang out in areas populated with people more towards her age, or _maybe_ about mid-thirty years old at the most, since a lot of the older people she met or would come into contact with either creeped her out, or struck her as people who wouldn’t know how to have fun of any kind even if it snuck on them and bit them in the ass. She knew she liked slightly older men rather than ones closer to her age from experience, but to be attracted to this silver fox who had to be _easily_ in his mid forties, if not bordering fifty, right out of the gate was _definitely_ something she didn’t anticipate.  
  
            She sighed. As much as she would’ve enjoyed appreciating the eye-candy in front of her all day long, she knew she had work to do. She’d definitely get another good look at him later, right? She then, unfortunately, took a step back without looking behind her first, making a stray branch she had pruned off a bush earlier snap underneath her shoe. Her handsome neighbor looked up at the noise, and almost immediately caught her eye, making Lacey briefly freeze where she stood, her eyes widening a bit.  
  
            _“Be cool, Lacey, it’s just another guy. You’ve got this…”_ she mentally told herself.  
  
            She repeated this to herself like a mantra as she cast her eyes downward, then gave him a bit of a sultry gaze from underneath her eyelashes before leaning the hedge clippers she held against the partially-pruned bush, earning her a small smile emerging from the corner of his mouth. She winked at him as she bent down to pull some weeds near her out of the grass, giving him a nice view of her derriere, and some of the porcelain skin on her back and her stomach as the tank top she wore fell a little bit forward with the motion of her bending over. She could practically feel his eyes on her as she smiled confidently to herself. Men were suckers for these tricks, and he was clearly no exception.  
  
            After a couple minutes of picking weeds, she dropped them in a basket she had next to the bush, then straightened up again, turning towards her house to grab her trowel, hips swaying invitingly as she went. She was getting cocky, and she knew it, but she felt invincible, and nothing could stop her now… besides her occasional clumsiness that, unfortunately, decided to strike at this particular moment in time. Poor Lacey was strutting her stuff one minute, then practically face down in the grass the next. Had she even tripped over anything in particular? Fuck it, it didn’t matter now. She sat up immediately, brushing dirt out of her hair, a bit off her chest, and embarrassingly enough, spitting some dirt out of her mouth, earning what she could only interpret as a snicker of laughter from her next door neighbor. She glared at him, cheeks burning as she did so. The second Lacey had caught him snickering, he innocently looked away, trying very hard not to laugh as his eyes attempted to drift back to his newspaper he held in his hands. Lacey emitted what almost sounded like a squeak of frustration before stomping up to her house, going inside, and slamming the back door shut.  
  
            After she left, her handsome neighbor sighed to himself, applying pressure to his temples out of frustration.  
  
            “Way to scare away a neighbor yet again, Gold…” he said to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'm posting the second chapter of this fic ASAP since this whole fic is really supposed to be more humor-based than not, and the first chapter accidentally became so heavily serious and text-heavy for the sake of backstory that it's not the best example of what the overall tone of this fic is ^^;
> 
> Secondly, for a little more clarification, 'Belle' and 'Lacey' are, in a sense, one in the same in this fic (*hence, why this is essentially a Rumbelle AND a Golden Lace fic and I've tagged it as such to the best of my ability). I do plan to have a bit more about this written in the future, but for now I'll say this (*spoiler-ish warning): 
> 
> As you now know, Belle legally changes her name to 'Lacey', but she doesn't really take on any of the characteristics we typically associate with OUAT-canon Lacey until a bit later, and at least SOME of it is for a 'good reason', while some of it was caused by hanging out with some bad examples. It obviously happens after her parents' deaths, but, interestingly, quite far before her getting together with Gaston. From that point on, characteristically, she's a mix between canon Belle and canon Lacey. Like I said, all shall be explained in due time. ^^


	2. Gnome Sweet Gnome

            _Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeep._

            Lacey groaned as her annoying new alarm clock she bought blared loudly in her ear, waking her from her peaceful sleep. She stuck her arm out from underneath her blanket into the chilly air, desperately slapping the ground as she sleepily tried to get the annoying buzzing to turn off. When she finally succeeded, she groggily sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, before finally looking at the clock: 7:00am.

            Why on Earth had she decided to wake up at 7 o’clock this morning?! She flopped back down on the mattress, about to go back to sleep when she suddenly remembered: having moved from place to place so often, she hardly had any furniture to speak of. When having to sell the flower shop way back when, she also sold a vast majority of the furniture they had in order to bring in some extra, much-needed cash. The only larger pieces of furniture she had left were her mattress (minus a box-spring), an incredibly small dresser, and her father’s favorite comfy lounge chair that once resided in their family room. The extra cash allowed her to rent a small storage unit where she kept these items all this time, and now that she had her own place, she could finally sleep on her own mattress again and not somebody’s couch, a crappy motel mattress, or a sleeping bag. It’d be nice to maybe get a box spring somewhere and have a real nightstand to put her dumb alarm clock on at least… She had to go get paint today anyways so she could scrape the horrid, peeling wallpaper off all the walls in her new house and start fresh. So now that that was decided, first order of business for the morning: coffee.  
  
            …Oh, wait. That’s right. Before she had fled from Gaston, he had broken her coffee maker (among other things of theirs) in a fit of rage. Thank God he hadn’t broken anything _truly_ precious, or he would’ve been in for a world of hurt. The coffee maker was a cheap one that’d be pretty easy to replace, but this didn’t exactly help caffeine-deprived Lacey this morning. Thankfully, she remembered passing a quaint little diner while driving up to her new place yesterday. Hopefully they’d be open, and she could grab cup of coffee there. She proceeded to get out of bed, open the shutters to let some light in (oh yeah, she needed a lamp for her bedroom too… and probably more for the other rooms too…), and half-blindly throw on some ‘nicer’ sweatpants and a shirt that would be suitable for doing housework, brushing her hair and teeth, and heading out the door.  
  
****

            After stopping in what turned out to be quite the adorable-looking little diner, meeting the ‘granny’ that ran the place, and grabbing some coffee, she aimlessly headed out, looking around the rest of the town to find out where she could pick up what she needed. Along the way, she passed by some people who, for whatever reason, gave her some strange looks when they probably thought she wasn’t looking. First there was a rather charming looking couple holding hands as she walked past, with the woman glancing up at her companion with a lovely smile on her face all the while. She happened to glance behind her as Lacey walked past them, with her face turning beet red, and briefly twisting into a shocked expression before hurriedly looking ahead of her again, most likely so she wouldn’t be perceived as staring. Next, she approached a shorter, almost scruffy-looking man, asking him for directions to a place that sold paint. He seemed to insist on calling her ‘sister’ for whatever reason, grumbling his responses to her questions all-the-while, but, regardless, he seemed to know what he was talking about, so she brushed it off. She thanked him, and went on her way, but not before she happened to catch him raise a single eyebrow in what looked like curiosity. Even the man running the appliance store, despite being polite when ringing up her purchases and pointing her in the direction of a good gardening store, seemed to give her a rather curious look on her way out the door as well.  
  
            Finally, she approached the most eccentric-looking gardening store she’d ever seen, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the other quaint little shops beside it and across the street from it: _The Golden Afternoon_. A little bell chimed as she opened the door into the massive amount of gardening supplies, decorations, and all kinds of things on the floors and walls of the store.  
  
            “… _Hello_?” she called out a bit meekly. “Anyone here?” she asked as she began to walk around the store.  
  
            She shrugged, deciding that maybe whomever was running the store happened to be on a lunch break or something at the moment, and decided to maybe try to pick out what she needed in the meantime. 

            After throwing some packets of seeds, and some other small things into a shopping basket, she walked into a small outdoor section of the store, where some larger power tools resided, like some very nice looking lawn-mowers. She walked over to one, bending over to pick up one of the price tags, and wincing when she saw the price. She knew that both the front and back yard _definitely_ needed to be mowed after she picked out the weeds at her place, but buying even this smaller lawnmower would drain a rather large chunk of her funds she had for fixing up the yards. How was she going to pull this off?

            Little did she know, as she pondered her options, the owner of the store happened to emerge from a back room, wiping his hands on a dirtied white apron he currently wore, freezing on the spot as he laid eyes on Lacey. Barely able to contain his laughter, the man sauntered up behind her with a spring in his step.

            “Can I help you, young lady?” he asked her. 

            Lacey squeaked a bit, immediately standing up straight, and almost smacking the poor man with her head in the process.  
  
            “Good _God_ , man, you almost gave me a heart attack!” she huffed.  
  
            The man before her was not all that much taller than she was, wearing dirtied jeans and an old t-shirt underneath a similarly dirtied white apron, like you’d expect a gardener to wear, but he also sported a considerably large, dark purple-colored hat on his head. How odd…  
  
            “Terribly sorry about that!” he said, throwing his hands in the air a little in defense. “The name’s Jefferson, and I own this fine establishment! I see that you’re clearly interested in lawn mowers today; would you like me to ring this baby up for you?” he asked.  
  
            Lacey shook her head.  
  
            “Unfortunately, no. Even some of the least expensive lawn mowers here are very much out of my budget… I don’t suppose I could maybe rent one of these instead?” she said, batting her eyelashes invitingly as she leaned toward him a bit. If she had learned anything over the years of having to fend for herself, it was that men were absolute suckers for her looks, and even though she could never seem to shake off the twinge of guilt she felt for using her vanity rather than something more note-worthy to get what she wanted in life, it still worked, so that’s what she did.

            Jefferson quirked an eyebrow at her, then smiled even wider.  
  
            “Oh, no need to try _that_ on me, silly! Of _course_ I’ll let you rent one, no problem! Were we looking for anything else besides lawnmowers and what you’ve got in your basket today? I’ve received some _lovely_ new flowers over here…” he said, leading her to a different corner of his store.

            Lacey was thrown for a loop as she quietly followed behind him. Were ‘country folk’ somehow less prone to a woman’s good looks than ‘city boys’ were? …Maybe he was gay? Regardless, she actually found herself a touch impressed with the gardener since not very many guys she came across came off as unaffected by her looks. She smiled politely at him as he rambled on about the new products he recently brought in.  
           

            “… and also, the new tiger lilies seem to get along quite well with my dandelions, and I wouldn’t want to separate the poor dears from each other, so I _must_ insist you buy them together. I’d be willing to discount them a bit if you’re willing to keep them together!” he said happily.

            “Actually, yes, those would be lovely for my garden I’m working on, I certainly will take them both.” She said with a smile.

            She looked around the store a bit from where she stood. Not finding what she was looking for, she turned back to Jefferson.

            “This is probably a bit of a long-shot, but would you happen to have any lawn ornaments? Not to mention lawn ornaments that _aren’t_ tacky, and bit more on the unique side?” she asked.

            She didn’t think it was possible, but Jefferson’s smile grew even wider and brighter that moment.  
  
            “Now that you mention it, yes, I do!” he said happily, clapping his hands like an excited child. “I wouldn’t normally show these off, especially since some of them are a bit of a work-in-progress, but you’re one of the most interesting people I’ve gotten in my store in a while, and frankly, considering that not very many people can come even _remotely_ close to _my_ fashion sense, I happen to appreciate your sense of _style_ as well.” He said, wiggling his eyebrows at her as he tipped his hat toward her a little.  
  
            She looked down at her clothes, wondering what had him so interested in her ‘fashion sense’. They seemed like ordinary sweatpants and an ordinary shirt, so why- _Oh,_ _no_. In her rush to get out the door this morning, poor Lacey hadn’t realized that the pair of sweatpants she threw on happened to have the words “INSERT HERE” printed in bold red letters on her ass. They had been a bit of a ‘joke present’ from a friend of a friend that she hardly ever wore. It was stupid to throw away a perfectly good pair of sweatpants, but she made it a point to _never_ wear them outside of wherever she was currently living since her ‘normal’ clothes already tended to give men ideas enough as it was. Her cheeks tinged pink as she covered her face a little bit with one hand, mortified that she had made this horrid fashion mistake. Granted, in the end, it turned out to work to her advantage, but that would _definitely_ explain the looks she was getting from the locals. So much for a ‘fresh start’…  
  
            “Oh, don’t be like that!” Jefferson said. “Goodness knows this town’s full of prudes, and on top of that, a lot of them wouldn’t know what humor was if it bit them on the butt! Trust me, I think you’ll appreciate what I’ve got here!” he said, grabbing her wrist and half-dragging her to a room in the back of his shop.

            “Behold, my beautiful ceramic children!” he said, waving his hands in front of him like he was about to make something appear with magic.

            Lacey’s eyes went wide, and her mouth flew open at what she saw: on workbenches, shelves, and other places in this room sat a bunch of… rather _odd_ garden gnomes. It had taken her a second, but she came to realize that a bunch of these garden gnomes were showing off a bunch of different sexual positions. Some of them were a bit more, for lack of a better term, ‘discreet’, but some of them were _very_ obvious, making her already red face grow redder. What made it all the better was the rather cherubic, more innocent-looking faces some of them had, despite the rather compromising positions they were in. Once the shock-factor faded for her, her lips happened to twitch upward into a smirk, which very quickly became laughter despite herself, bringing tears to her eyes with its intensity.

            “Okay, not gonna lie to you, Jeff, these are _awesome_.” She said, wiping a tear from her eye as her laughter finally simmered down enough to let her speak.  
  
            “I _know,_ right?! I make them all myself!” Jefferson said, flailing his arms a bit with excitement. “They came to me in a dream one night, and I just _knew_ I had to bring them to life!”  
  
            Lacey couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at this out of amusement. This guy may be _super_ eccentric, and possibly a bit more perverted than you’d think upon first glance, but he was actually pretty cool, and not afraid to be himself, and she had to admire that a bit.

            “Why aren’t some of these on display in the main part of your store? We’ve already established that there’s a _bunch_ of prudes in this town, but surely _somebody_ besides us has to find some humor in these?” she asked him. 

            “Actually, I _did_ have some people that liked these little guys and gals, but unfortunately, _somebody_ didn’t take too kindly to them, and happened to catch the attention of Mayor Mills… She stormed in here one day demanding I not only take them off the shelves, but _destroy_ my beautiful creations, ‘for the sake of the _children_ ’, or ‘there’d be dire consequences’, but before I could ask her what kinds of _kids_ would set foot in a _gardening_ store in the first place, she was gone! I’ve been hiding them all back here and at my place ever since… I’ve seen the kinds of stunts she can pull when she wants something done (or done _in_ ), and I just couldn’t let her get her grubby hands on them! So here they stay, back here, and mainly for sale online!” he said with a hint of sadness in his voice.

            Lacey looked around at a bunch of them more closely. Even though Jefferson’s work could definitely be thought of as ‘crude’ by some, she had to admit that they were truly very well made, and the detail in each one, even down to individual eyelashes painted on their eyes was absolutely impeccable. Then, she laid her eyes on one in particular. It’s like it was meant to be: a boy and a girl gnome were in the ‘doggy style’ position, although, interestingly, the _girl_ was the one on top, with the boy on all fours. What _really_ caught her eye about it, though, was that the girl actually had an uncanny resemblance to Lacey herself, with the almost cherubic-looking girl having big blue eyes and brown curly hair, wearing what appeared to be a lacey light blue bra, while the guy... Well, Lacey knew she had a pretty damn good imagination which could go over-the-top sometimes, but she could _swear_ the boy gnome resembled what her new next-door neighbor could have possibly looked like when he was younger. That settled it; this absolutely _needed_ to be in her yard… for reasons.  
  
            “Jeff, I’d love it if you could wrap these adorable little ones up for me!” she said, pointing to her new favorite lawn gnomes.

            Absolutely overcome with glee, Jefferson enveloped her in a big bear hug. This definitely took Lacey by surprise, especially since she typically didn’t want anyone touching her unless it was on strictly _her_ terms; however, she found herself so wrapped up in the moment that she couldn’t help but hug him right back.  
  
            “Finally someone who _truly_ appreciates my work! Tell you what, I’ll bring your new flowers, _these_ two lovebirds and one of my lawn mowers to your place, and we can get them all settled into their new home! Sound good?” he asked.

            Lacey nodded, writing down her new address for him on a piece of paper.

            They decided on meeting up the next morning since Lacey wanted to get a head start on painting in the house and maybe do some more weeding in the yards before having company over. On top of that, she’d _definitely_ need some more furniture if she wanted to actually have a place for her new friend to sit now, and _ugghhh_ this was going to be a pain… Although, she thought, all this work would be well worth it if her clean-cut, pretty yard would encourage her hot, silver-fox neighbor to come over for a visit…


	3. Chillin' With My Gnomies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY GOD THIS CHAPTER TOOK FOREVER TO EDIT. o_o;  
> Wanted to get this chapter out last night, but my brain kinda crapped out at about 11pm my time, and I had to actually get some sleep XD
> 
> So happy to be getting positive responses so far, thanks for the input, y'all, and hope you keep enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it! <3

            Just as planned, Jefferson showed up bright and early the next morning. Thankfully, Lacey was more than prepared this time, having bought herself a new, cheap coffee maker the previous day, and buying a small table and a couple of chairs to go with it, all set to properly accommodate a visitor. Even better, she did indeed make some headway with painting, getting half of her kitchen painted with the first layer of paint, which she happened to be quite proud of.

            The two compadres set to work, with Jefferson generously helping her pick weeds she had either missed or didn’t get to in the front yard before he dragged out the lawn mower, and even offered to mow for her. All the while, Lacey pulled the remaining weeds in the backyard, and started prepping a small patch of the yard to become a vegetable garden. She then decided to make some chocolate chip cookies afterward, because really, why the hell not?  
  
             By the time both lawns were weed-free and freshly mowed, the cookies were done and cooled down enough to eat. After lovingly placing Lacey’s adorable new garden gnomes smack-dab in the middle of the front yard (and yet a touch closer to the salmon-colored Victorian… for reasons) the two of them sat down on the front porch steps to feast on their chocolaty treats, happily chatting away as they did so.

            “Thanks for making these, Lacey, these are quite good!” Jefferson said happily as he downed cookie number three.  
  
            “No problem, Jeff. Honestly, it was the least I could do after you sweetly offered to mow the lawn for me! Seriously, you _really_ didn’t have to go through all that trouble…” she said.

            “But of course! The adorable garden gnomes need a suitable place to live, don’t they? And besides, I’m used to doing this kind of work anyways. Did I mention I run a lovely little gardening store not to far from here?” he responded, a smirk forming at the corner of his mouth as he waggled an eyebrow at her.  
  
            She giggled cutely at his antics, hardly able to resist his quirky charm.  
  
            “Ha _ha_ , _very_ funny, wise guy…” she said sarcastically.  
  
            Suddenly, as they were talking, out of the corner of her eye, she could swear she saw the silhouette of her neighbor standing in a side-window, seemingly facing towards them… _watching_ them. Lacey immediately jerked her head towards it, only to find that that it, or _he_ , was gone. She sat there staring at the window for a minute, utterly perplexed, when Jefferson’s head very slowly moved towards her shoulder, looking in the same direction she was, almost making it appear as if Lacey had just grown a second head.  
  
            “So what are we lookin’ at, Lace?” he asked jokingly.  
  
            “At this given moment, a _window_.” She said, rolling her eyes a bit as she playfully shoved his head away from her.  
  
            “It _is_ quite the lovely window, though, isn’t it?” he said, sighing dramatically, as if he was viewing a great work of art, and not an aging window.  
  
            “No seriously, Jeff, I feel like my neighbor was _watching_ us. I wonder if he does that very often… Kinda creepy if you ask me…” she said, almost zoning out in the moment, not even remotely catching the irony in her statement.

            “Oh, you have _no_ idea…” Jefferson muttered, turning away from the window and back to the plate of delicious cookies.

            “What was that?” Lacey asked him, whipping back around to face him.

            “Nothing!” he quickly sputtered. “I’m quite parched actually, do you mind if I fetch something to drink inside? I’d be more than happy to fetch you something as well!” he added.

            “No thank you, but feel free to help yourself to whatever you’d like!” Lacey said sweetly, taking a bite into another delicious cookie.

            Not a minute after Jefferson stepped inside Lacey’s house, Gold stepped out of his front door. Upon hearing the sound of the creaking door opening, Lacey looked up from the cookie she was eating, only to almost choke on it at what she saw: Gold was dressed, not in that snazzy dark blue robe she favored, but rather in a dapper three-piece suit, sporting a maroon-colored dress shirt underneath the jacket. He held a matching black cane in his hand, with a very elegant gold handle that shimmered in the sunlight. He happened to glance at her, quirking an eyebrow and smiling that little smirk that made her stomach flip. (Good _Lord_ , when had she become such a sap for one particular guy?)  
  
            Lacey quickly chewed and swallowed the bite of cookie she had in her mouth, reaching to her side and picking up the plate of cookies. She stood, properly facing Gold, and clearing her throat before finally speaking.  
  
            “Umm… would you like some cookies?” she asked politely. “I made a _ton_ , and me and Jefferson couldn’t _possibly_ eat them all… they’re really quite tasty!” she said, holding out the plate, strangely hoping he’d literally walk over and grab a cookie off the plate.  
  
            While she spoke to him; however, she noticed the smirk on his face disappear, with his eyes growing wider than normal, darting to her new garden gnomes in the front yard. They went back and forth between her garden gnomes, Lacey herself, back to the gnomes, and back to Lacey again, all in less than twenty seconds. He then opened his mouth as if about to say something, then closing it almost immediately, then suddenly, and rather unexpectedly, turned tail, and just about _ran_ back into his house, with the door damn near slamming shut behind him. She had to admit, the man moved rather quickly despite the fact he seemingly needed a cane to get around.  
  
             Her mouth fell open a bit with shock. She knew she had looked rather foolish around her neighbor the other day, but she hadn’t looked _so_ stupid that he now couldn’t stand the sight of her, had she? Either way, it was quite odd, but so help her, she’d get this weird, sexy-as-fuck neighbor over to her house if it was the last thing she did. Now that she thought about it further, this could make for quite the interesting little _challenge_ , now couldn’t it?

*******  
  
            After a couple more hours of working in her yards, the two of them decided it was high time to grab some lunch. Jefferson packed up the lawnmower he brought back into his van, promised Lacey he’d meet her at Granny’s for lunch, and drove off to go freshen up a bit. Once Lacey freshened herself up a bit as well, and was [finally] dressed up in her ‘normal’ attire, she approached Gold’s house with a paper bag full of cookies she had saved just for him. She felt surprisingly nervous since their last encounter had been, well, rather _awkward_ as she stepped up to his front door.

            She took a deep breath in and out, then knocked on the door.

            ....No response.

            She knocked again. 

            ...Still no response.  
  
            She sighed, putting the bag of cookies on a chair near her front door.  
  
            “I’m not sure if you’re there or not, but if you are, I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I made you feel… _uncomfortable_ or something… I saved you some cookies as a bit of a peace offering if you’d like them! I’m leaving them on this chair out here if you want them… I was kinda hoping we could at _least_ be friends or something, but it’s okay if you don’t want to, I guess… Also, if I happen to be, by some chance, just talking to myself like a bloody loon cause you’re not there, I’m going to stop babbling and walk away now…” she said awkwardly, quickly placing the bag of cookies down on the chair as promised, and walking away with her head hanging a little low.  
  
            What the hell was _wrong_ with her lately? First off, Lacey French sure as hell never got _nervous_ in front of hot guys, let alone got _clumsy_ around them, and least of all, apologized for her actions, no matter how stupid they may end up being, _ever_. If people didn’t like the things she did or said, fuck ‘em, she didn’t care… at least not _normally_ … If she didn’t know any better, this type of stuff was much more _Belle_ French than _Lacey_ French... This all _had_ to be happening because she was in a new place, and wanted to make a ‘good impression’ or something dumb like that so everybody wouldn’t throw nasty glares and stuff her way like people used to do to her, and not be constantly breathing down her neck waiting for her to screw up, right?  
  
             As she walked toward Granny’s, continuing to mentally obsess over the weight of her life’s problems, her thoughts were interrupted with the sudden growling of her stomach. You know something? She was _way_ over-thinking this… She just needed some food to help her brain sort everything out. Worst case-scenario, maybe she could ask Jefferson for advice? Whatever the case, she needed food _really_ badly…  
  
            Not a moment too soon, she walked into the diner with her head held high, determined that everything was going to turn out alright. She looked around the diner, seeking out a place for her and Jefferson to sit at, when she happened to see a certain large purple hat sticking up from one of the booths before the hat’s owner peeked up from underneath, enthusiastically waving Lacey over. She chuckled a bit as she made her way over to sit across from Jefferson.

            “I know you’re still pretty new in town, but have you gotten the chance to eat here yet?” he asked, while looking over the menu at her.

            “Not really, no… I stopped in here for coffee the day I came to your shop for the first time, but I pretty much briefly introduced myself to Granny, grabbed a cup and ran out the door. Is the food any good?” she asked.

            “What do you take me for, someone with no taste? Of _course_ the food’s good here, silly, why else would I suggest we come here?” he laughed. “I mean, of course, if you’re a _vegetarian_ , that might be a different story, but-“  
  
            “Are the burgers any good here? Not gonna lie, I’ve got a pretty big hankering for a cheeseburger…” Lacey said, preventing him from rambling too much.  
  
            Judging purely by how she normally dressed, being a short-skirts-and-skimpy-halter-tops kind of gal, one would assume she’d be much more prone to ordering a salad, with the only kind of meat she’d be interested in being some thick, juicy _man_ _meat_ , but frankly, she didn’t give a shit, especially right now when she felt so hungry she could damn well eat her own house and still have some room for Gold’s fancy lawn chair as a decadent dessert.  
  
            Jefferson smiled, clearly not giving a damn about her ‘hankering’, either.  
  
            “ _Absolutely!_ Granny’s cheeseburgers are some of my favorite in town! Top it off with some animal-style fries, and BAM, you’re in a slice of fried, greasy heaven! Hashtag ‘ _totally_ worth it’…” he said dreamily. 

            Just then, a tall, rather pretty girl with a streak of red in her hair came up to their table. Her (surprise, surprise, mainly red themed) outfit was just as skimpy, if not skimpi _er_ than Lacey’s, but she wore a bunch of jewelry that sounded almost like chimes as they clinked together when she walked. Her makeup was rather thick, but surprisingly, it _didn’t_ look super tacky. Embarrassingly enough, Lacey found herself staring in awe at the newcomer, a bit entranced by what she saw.

            “Hey Jeffy! Long time no see, brother!” she said, fist-bumping Jefferson, as they both wiggled their fingers while making goofy explosion noises after their fists separated. “You gonna introduce me to your cute new friend or what?” she said, turning towards Lacey with a smile that could easily rival Jefferson’s already highly enthusiastic ones, winking at her.  
  
            “Oh yeah! Ruby, this is my new friend Lacey! Lacey, this is Ruby!” he said.

            “Hey, girl! Good to meet you! ‘Bout time we got somebody new in town to recruit into our gang of weirdos!” she said, briefly and firmly shaking Lacey’s hand. “Jeffy, I’m already about 99.9999% sure you’re going to want a Coke, but since I don’t know _your_ usual order yet, Lacey, what do _you_ typically drink?” she asked, never turning away from Lacey once.

            She found herself wanting to answer that question with “ _A very large glass of Jack Daniels”_. She could already feel herself blushing a bit under Ruby’s scrutiny. She was surprisingly a touch overwhelmed with Ruby’s outgoingness, and it certainly didn’t help that it felt like this awfully sexy woman was getting closer and closer to her face by the minute.

            “Errm… I’ll h-have an iced tea, thank you…” Lacey stammered.  
  
            Ruby giggled a little at Lacey’s reaction to her.

            “Aww, don’t worry girlie, I don’t bite, unless you ask me _real_ nice-like that is.” she said, before practically _skipping_ away to go fetch their drinks.

            “Wow… just when I thought _you_ were the only more eccentric person in this town... Boy was _I_ wrong!” Lacey said, turning back to Jefferson, trying to compose herself.  
  
            “Aww, don’t worry Lacey, Ruby’s just playin’ around with you. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she _liked_ making people squirm… But hey, welcome to why _we’re_ the weirdo outcasts, and not some _other_ random people in this town… Hey! The _Outcasts!_ We should start a _band_ with that title or something!” he said, starting to go off on a different tangent again, even going as far as trying to make up a song, humming as he went, and using some straws as drum sticks.

            Between Lacey’s hot new next-door neighbor and the drop-dead gorgeous waitress in the local diner, this town might be the death of her…  
  
******* 

            Eventually, Ruby took their orders, (of course, two orders of cheeseburgers with animal-style fries) taking them to Granny to make, and ended up sitting down with them when she served them their meals to chat. Even better (or worse, depended on how one looked at the situation), Ruby gracefully slid in right next to Lacey, briefly playfully bumping her hip against Lacey’s.  
  
            “So, Jeffy, what have you been up to lately? Still working on those, umm, _decorations_ of yours?” she asked curiously. 

            “Why yes, I am! As a matter of fact, Lacey here actually bought one of my latest creations to put in her yard, and, if I do say so myself, they look absolutely _adorable_ at her place!” he gushed.

            “That’s _fabulous_! Anyone who supports my friend’s business is a friend of mine! I’ll have to pop over to your place sometime to check them out!” Ruby said, briefly putting an arm around Lacey and gently squeezing.  
  
            When Lacey’s brain was able to function at least _somewhat_ properly again, she quickly took another bite of her cheeseburger, praying to any God that would listen that food would help get her through this lunch date-like thing that was currently happening…  
  
            As the three of them continued talking, though, Lacey grew progressively more comfortable with the touchy-feely waitress. (This _had_ to be where Jefferson got it from… or was it Ruby who got it from Jefferson?) Ruby and “Jeffy” definitely spent a lot of time catching up with each other, thankfully allowing Lacey to eat her burger, and not feel so famished any more, but when the conversation (sort of) turned toward her again, it was _definitely_ not in the direction she expected it to go…  
  
            “So how did you handle Gold when buying your house? Did he absolutely _filet_ you while haggling prices n’ stuff, or what?” Ruby asked Lacey, stealing one of the fries off her plate.  
  
            “ _Filet_ me? Why on Earth would he ‘filet me’? He seemed like a nice enough guy over the phone, and since we mainly corresponded via emails back and forth, we- wait, how did you know that Mr. Gold sold me my house?” Lacey asked, rather stunned by Ruby’s spot-on insight.  
  
            “Don’t you know? He owns, like, _every_ property in Storybrooke practically, besides the mayor’s office and a couple other buildings that the mayor won’t let him get his hands on for whatever reason…” Ruby started.

            “Uhhh, Ruby…?” Jefferson murmured, seemingly a bit desperate to try and get Ruby’s attention, to no avail.

  
            “…He’s an absolutely _ruthless_ and strict landlord who _never_ gives extensions on rent payments, _never_ considers peoples’ current money situations, and all kinds of stuff like that…” Ruby continued.

            “ _Ruby!_ ” Jefferson hissed slightly.

            “…Trust me, I know… Poor Granny was _one_ _day_ late on rent, and Gold threatened to throw us out onto the street, even picking up the phone to call a service to get all our stuff out of the building!”  
  
            “Wow, he actually sounds like a _total_ asshat!” Lacey said, nodding in agreement.  
  
            “ _RUBY!_ ” Jefferson said, waving a hand in front of Ruby’s face, finally getting her attention, along with Lacey’s.

            “So, actually, ummm… Lacey is Mr. Gold’s new neighbor!” Jefferson whispered.  
  
            “HE’S _WHAT?!_ ” both Lacey and Ruby chimed at the same time, speaking a bit louder than they probably meant to, causing some people to glance over in their direction.

            “Why didn’t you tell me that Captain _Sexy-Pants_ next door was Gold _way_ earlier, Jeff?!” Lacey whispered, a touch angry at him.  
  
            To be fair, when Lacey was scoping out her house in the first place, Mr. Gold _was_ obviously mentioned as being the owner of the house (he bought it from the bank a bit before Lacey made an offer on it), but there was no picture of him or anything to speak of, just a name, number and an email address to call upon if anyone was interested in purchasing the house. It was kind of fishy, but it _did_ work out in the end, she supposed…  
  
            “Well, I mean, I kinda thought you’d find out _eventually_ , considering how badly you’ve been wanting him to come over to your place from what I can tell- …wait, did you just call him _Captain Sexy-Pants_?” he asked curiously.

            “Oh my _GOD_ , you have a bit of a _crush_ on Mr. Gold, don’t you?” Ruby whispered to Lacey, smirking as she playfully nudged her with her elbow.  
  
            Lacey tried very hard to keep her composure, and utterly failing when her face began to turn red with the new revelation.  
  
            “I… _no_ I certainly _don’t_ , he’s just _hot_ , that’s all, I- wait, just…I mean…” she sputtered, banging her forehead onto the table out of embarrassment when she couldn’t think of any more words in the English language at the moment.  
  
            “Aww, it’s okay, sweetie… I mean, he's certainly not _my_ type per say, but that doesn’t mean _you’re_ not allowed to go after him or anything!” she said, gently rubbing Lacey’s back in comfort.  
  
            “Yeah! I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? He evicts you from your own house or something if you get on his bad side? So what? No biggie!” Jefferson piped in, immediately shutting up when Ruby glared at him.  
  
            “…Have I mentioned lately that you guys rock?” Lacey said to them, with her voice slightly muffled since she was still leaning her forehead on the table.  
  
            “Really, it’ll be fine, I promise, just invite him over to your place, and- Oh my _God_ , Granny’s gonna _kill_ me!” Ruby said, hurriedly getting up from the table after checking her wrist watch. “I have to get back to work you guys, but Lacey, honey, _totally_ text me later, and we’ll come up with something! See you later, Jeffy!” she said, kissing Jefferson on the cheek before skipping away to go help other customers. Jefferson whipped out his phone and texted Lacey Ruby’s number.

            “Listen to Ruby, Lace, she really _does_ know what she’s talking about, despite what _other_ people would probably lead you to believe…” he said with a small smile as Lacey sat up. She rubbed her forehead a bit, as if that was going to magically erase the red, table-edge-shaped mark that now resided there.  
  
            “I certainly hope you’re right, Jeff, I really _really_ do… Anyways, I think I’m gonna head back home so I can do some more painting inside my house… I’ll see you later though, okay?” she said as she started to take some crisp bills out of her pocket to pay for her meal.  
  
            Jefferson put his hand over hers, making her firmly hold the bills in her fist rather than putting them on the table.  
  
            “Don’t worry about it, I’ve got this one… If you _really_ want to pay me back, though, you could always make some more of those good chocolate chip cookies for me!” he said cheerfully.

            “You’re a real gentleman, you know that?” she said, slowly coming around the table and giving him a quick peck on the cheek. “I’ll be sure to have some fresh, warm cookies for you next time you come over!” she smiled, winking at him as she left the diner.

*********

            -3 DAYS LATER- 

            _Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeep. Beeeeeeep._

            Her annoying alarm clock was at it again, but today she didn’t particularly appreciate it… The previous night involved getting a _lot_ of drinks with Ruby, and she could already feel the hangover coming on the second she opened her eyes. She groggily smacked the alarm clock, picking up her phone to check for missed messages and such, when she noticed she had an email. Funny, people didn’t usually email her all that much, since she usually preferred texting unless it was really serious or just a _super_ long message or something…  
  
            She opened up the message:  
  
            _April 8 th, 2015_  
  
            Oh, _shit_ , of _course_ it was dated the day before… You know, when she was getting _crazy_ drunk with Ruby! Just perfect. Even better, her phone received the message at about 8:30pm that night… Was she in the taxi or was she crank-calling Jefferson at that point? Fuck it, she couldn’t remember… Even _better_ still, it was from her local HOA of all things… Why the hell were _they_ contacting her? She (or, more appropriately, _Jefferson_ ) had practically _just_ mowed the lawn, and made the yards look really nice… Granted, she still had to touch the outside of the house up a bit too, but it was still up to code… Oh, _God_ , she hoped this wasn’t one of those _super_ picky HOA’s where your ass was grass (no pun intended) if the lawn wasn’t an exact length or shorter…

            _Dear Ms. French -  
  
            It has been brought to my attention by your neighbor, Mr. T Gold, that you have two garden gnomes on your front lawn that were not approved by the HOA before installation..._  
  
            (Blah, blah, blah, technical jargon, blah, something about being _‘tacky’_ blah blah…)

            _…remove them within 5 business days or you will be fined._  
  
            We live in quite the beautiful neighborhood, and we intend to keep it as such.

_Thank you for your understanding!_

_Zelena Greene, HOA President_

            Lacey slowly sat up in bed, rereading the letter again, mostly to make sure she wasn’t dreaming this whole thing up.

            … _What_? Wait, they’re _actually_ serious about this, aren’t they? Her cute little garden gnomes weren’t _that_ offensive! In fact, the two she chose were _infinitely_ more innocent looking than a bunch of the ones Jefferson had shown her in his shop that fateful day. First off, there were actually _no_ genitals showing, again, unlike many of the other little gnomes she saw. The only real ‘private parts’ showing was the girl’s _butt_ , and really, it was _far_ from offensive, it was rather adorable! On top of that, both gnomes were _smiling_ , it’s not like one of them looked like it was in _pain_ or anything, so what the hell was the problem? They could just as easily be _spooning_ with no pants on rather than something ‘inappropriate’, and that really wasn’t-

            … Wait a hot second. That just said that a ‘Mr. T Gold’ reported her to the HOA, didn’t it? As in, Mr. Sexy-Pants, next-door neighbor _Mr. T Gold_? This… this could actually be a _good_ thing, couldn’t it? It meant that Gold was, in a weird way, _paying attention_ to her yard, and, in turn, _paying attention_ to _her_ , right? She wanted a way that Gold would notice her, and she just found it. The gears in her head began turning, concocting a plan most diabolical. They wanted inappropriate? _Oh_ , she’d sure as hell _give_ them inappropriate… Fuck society! She quickly dialed Jefferson, with him picking up the phone _incredibly_ quickly as per usual.  
  
            “Hello? What’s goin’ on, Lace?” he answered cheerfully.  
  
            “Jeff, I think I’ll be buying some more of your cute little garden gnomes today, would you mind if I popped by your store a bit later?”

            He full-heartedly agreed, bumbling excitedly until Lacey had to cut him short so she could actually get ready for the day, promising she’d see him very soon and hanging up. She then popped a couple of aspirin tablets in her mouth. Screw her stupid hangover, she had some work to do…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering, yes, Gold's actions are very much explained in a future chapter (most likely the very next chapter in fact lol). Never fear, my children, all shall be revealed... *spooky fingers*
> 
> ....Also, whoops, I added managed to add a sprinkle of Red Beauty into this :awesomeface:  
> #sorrynotsorry  
> #couldntresist  
> #favefemship


	4. And Now You Gnome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, look at that! This fic's already jumped to the 'E' rating! :pervyface:
> 
> ...Not gonna lie, I'm pretty sure this is the chapter (and another one that you'll obviously get to read later) I've been looking forward to writing the most, mostly cause I'm garbage, but there's some extra shit that happened that I think actually came out pretty damn good and surprisingly cute.... you'll see what I'm talking about XD
> 
> In other news, as a forewarning, parts of this chapter go from zero to MOTHER OF NSFW (SORT OF) KINKY SMUT BATMAN in about like 2 seconds flat, SO YEAH. TL;DR version being "GOLD'S BEING A PERV YOU GUYS, WATCH OUT"
> 
> Also warning for Gold being a touch creepy without really meaning to...kinda... ._.;
> 
> ...ENJOY THE STUPIDITY!

           After Gold woke up to the sound of Jefferson’s delivery van rolling up to Lacey’s house, he was very acutely aware of two things: First off, he couldn’t _wait_ to see what other shenanigans could possibly happen in Lacey’s yard, and secondly, he was completely and utterly [figuratively] _screwed_.  
  
            Ever since the morning that some great deity thought he was worthy enough to witness that little show Lacey put on for him (yes, including the part where she ultimately tripped over nothing, falling face down, ass up into the grass), he couldn’t get her out of his head. He played and replayed her actions in his head so many times he lost count. This was certainly not the first time he had ever seen her around, but this was definitely the first time he got to get a good eyeful of the ‘entire package’, so to speak… Some men would probably be bothered by the sight of a woman getting, quite literally, down and dirty (when it was not meant to be a sexual thing, that is) but if he was _really_ honest with himself, that was the best thing he’d seen in _years_ …  
  
            _His pretty new neighbor wore a little blue bandana on her head to keep her hair out of her face, exposing the tiniest bit of sweat starting to appear on her forehead from being out in the sun. Her stunning blue eyes stared him down like he was the most interesting being on Earth, with the small little smudge of dirt on her left cheek (which she most likely hadn’t noticed get on her in the first place) somehow only making them stand out even more. She wore a dirtied, plain white tank top, which, even from this distance, was see-through enough to reveal a lacey, light blue bra underneath, which hugged her pert little breasts beautifully. What he absolutely loved the most though, besides her beautiful eyes of course, were those damn legs of hers. Oh_ Lord _, did she have gorgeous legs… So gorgeous, in fact, that he couldn’t stop a little smirk from forming on his face when laying his eyes on them.  
  
            As if that weren’t enough, she just _ had _to bend down to pull some extra weeds at that moment… Her cute little ass swayed and shook invitingly underneath the shorts she wore as she pulled some extra tough weeds out of the ground in front of her, making him want to get up out of his damn chair, march into her yard and squeeze that nice, round ass of hers before pulling her close to him to show her how much she was affecting him, propriety be damned. The thought made his cock twitch. Before she could possibly notice, he shifted his newspaper a bit as quietly as he could manage, hopefully making it look like he was maybe turning a page, or something way less conspicuous than hiding, well… He shifted his eyes back to her as fast as he could, not wanting to miss any more of her little display._

 _She stood back up, and slyly glanced at him before turning around to go grab something at the opposite end of the yard, her hips swaying as she walked. Really, was she_ trying _to kill him? Thank God he had decided to shift his newspaper around a bit earlier…_

_And then, she tripped. It happened so unexpectedly and so quickly, that he couldn’t help but laugh a little in spite of himself. She definitely seemed embarrassed, what with her face turning beet red after the incident, poor thing, but he happened to think it was rather cute, and made her appear a bit more human than her close-to-godly looks would lead you to believe…_

“My, my, you’re _quite_ filthy, aren’t you? We really _should_ get you cleaned up, but first, I’d like to know just how filthy I can make you…”

 _Almost as if Lacey could hear his thoughts, she glared at him, causing him to look away, since, really, he couldn’t_ possibly _look her in the eye while his mind was steering him in_ that _[utterly ridiculous] direction… Plus, to be fair, that was definitely one of the cheesiest lines he had ever concocted in his head. If she somehow_ could _hear his thoughts, he absolutely wouldn’t blame her one bit for glaring.  
  
            She made an adorable, embarrassed squeak-like noise before marching inside her house and slamming the door.  
  
            “Way to scare away a neighbor yet again, Gold…” he said to himself.  
  
            _ Lacey was spread out on his bed, not only partially covered in dirt from when she had been working out in the yard, but the insides of her thighs were now sticky with her own arousal, and her chest and belly were absolutely covered in Gold’s cum. His mouth practically watered as he watched his own fluids flow sensuously down her body, mixing with the saliva that had started dripping from the corner of her mouth and ended between her breasts, and with her own fluids that Gold had covered her sex with while he had utterly _worshipped_ her clit, making the curls between her legs glisten prettily. The fact that this felt like one of the most primal ways of staking a claim on the woman he wanted aside from full-on penetration made it all the sweeter, making his masculine pride swell. Her chest heaved as she stared at him, with her cheeks a lovely tinge of red, and her eyes glazed over with lust. Her swollen, red lips slightly parted as she spoke complete and utter nonsense, too aroused to even remember either of their names as she reached toward him, and-

 _Gold violently shook his head, with the temptation of pouring the rest of his hot coffee on his head growing more and more prominent as he desperately tried to get this incredibly erotic image out of his head. Maybe just smashing the damn cup over his head would be a more effective solution… For God’s sake, he wasn’t a bloody_ schoolboy _anymore, and she wasn’t the first pretty woman he’d ever seen, and he was sure she wouldn’t be the last, either. He had to get a hold of himself! …But not like_ that _for crying out loud_. _Regardless, his need for coffee this morning was now overruled by his new, desperate need for a_ very _cold shower..._  
  
********

            Just when he had thought his lust for this woman couldn’t get any worse, the day after that involved her skipping into Granny’s Diner with those bloody _sweatpants_ … He didn’t think anything of them at first, continuing to drink his morning coffee and munch on a piece of toast, as he sneakily stole glances at her lovely form, but the second she turned around, he damn near choked on his food.

            Did she even _remotely_ realize what she was wearing? It didn’t particularly help that he wasn’t the only one staring at her ass as she left the building… He made a mental note to himself to raise their rent prices, or raise _some_ kind of price they had to pay on a month-to-month basis, so help him, God…  
  
            And now, on _this_ particular day, he got to watch Lacey do yard work yet again, thankfully, this time, from the safety and privacy of his own home, where there was a much slimmer chance of him making an ass of himself. Granted, that lunatic _Jefferson_ was there with her this time, but once she started moving about, the strange gardener’s presence bothered him less and less. 

            He didn’t think it was possible, but somehow her shorts were even _shorter_ this time, riding dangerously high, and getting ever closer to revealing whatever panties she wore underneath (if she even had any on to begin with) whenever she bent down, causing him to shamelessly moan a bit. Her small breasts bounced invitingly as she ran back and forth across the yards to grab gardening supplies or whatever she needed. He inwardly cursed when she went inside to, as he later found out, bake cookies. Once she was out of sight, he briefly stepped away from his window, a bit reluctantly taking himself in hand, telling himself it was just to relieve some of the pressure that was slowly building up…  
  
            …Screw it, who was he kidding? He was staring out his window at a woman who not only practically _just_ became his next door neighbor, but one that could very easily be half his age, and be utterly disgusted by his attraction to her. On top of that, he had taken to jerking himself off to mental images of her naked in just about every location in his house (not to mention his pawn shop in Storybrooke’s main shopping area) despite the fact he hadn’t even spoken one word to her out of nervousness, and hadn’t even properly introduced himself like a good neighbor should out of pure cowardice. Now that he _really_ thought about it, he became acutely aware of a third thing today: He was absolutely going to Hell.  
  
*******           

            A bit later, after he secretly watched (and thankfully _hadn’t_ gotten caught) Lacey and Jefferson happily chatting away while eating the cookies Lacey had brought out, he decided enough was enough. In the very least, even if Lacey didn’t want to be friends with him, let alone what he _really_ wanted her to be, he could damn well be a polite neighbor and go introduce himself.

            He very quickly threw on one of his best three-piece suits, along with one of his favorite dress shirts, made himself look presentable, grabbed his cane, took a deep breath, and stepped out the front door. Thankfully, in the time it took him to get ready, he had even come up with a ‘back-up plan’ of sorts, grabbing his house and car keys, so he could claim he needed to ‘head off somewhere’ just in case the conversation turned sour, or something went utterly and completely wrong, and get the hell out of there, like the total coward he was used to being.

            He seemed to have caught her by surprise a bit, seeing her mouth drop open, as her eyes greedily spanned the length of his body, frankly, staring at him like she now wanted to eat _him_ up rather than the cookies she had just made… Granted, that interpretation of her gaze could’ve easily just been him getting his hopes up, but he couldn’t help but smile back at her, hoping it conveyed that he felt the same way about her. He opened his mouth a bit further, about to respond to what she was saying to him, until his eyes were drawn to the little garden gnomes that were now placed in her front yard, conspicuously closer to his fence rather than the middle of her yard, or anywhere else they could possibly be placed for that matter…  
  
            He then noticed, unbeknownst to him, _exactly_ what Lacey had seen in these cute little gnomes: they looked freakishly similar to Lacey happily perching herself over Gold, most likely riding him with a large dildo slipping in and out of his ass, and… _Oh, Lord_ … His eyes grew wide, with his head quickly jerking upwards a bit to meet Lacey’s gaze and her pretty smile for a brief moment. _Yes_ … he could now see it with crystal clarity… He licked his suddenly very chapped lips as his gaze shot back to the gnomes, and briefly back to Lacey once again as his vivid imagination was starting to blur with reality.

            The one single cell in his brain that was still functioning properly told him that he came out here to say _something_ to her, but he couldn’t quite remember what it was, with his mouth opening and closing like a fish, desperately trying to regain his thoughts. His cock beginning to stir once again as lovely images of her riding him hard on his bedroom floor began to take over his vision. That poor little brain cell succumbed to his weakness within that moment, but not before it told him to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible, urging him to basically _run_ back into his house, practically slamming the door behind him, and leaving poor Lacey utterly confused as to what just occurred.

  
  
            He leaned against the door for a minute out of pure shock, letting his back slide down the wood until he sat on the floor, drawing his knees up towards his chest a bit, choosing to ignore the tightness that now existed in his pants as a form of punishment for himself. This was getting _way_ out of hand…  
  
            Then, what felt like _eons_ later, he felt the door vibrate from the force of someone knocking on it loudly. _Ugghh,_ they’d leave soon enough. People always left pretty much immediately after knocking just once… Frankly, he wanted to be alone in his own misery at this given moment anyways…  
           

            But then, strangely, there was yet another knock at his door. This time, he perked his head up. He was a bit afraid to stand just yet, for fear it could still be a _very_ persistent person trying to get him to ‘donate money to their worthy cause’, or something else equally annoying, and his movement would reveal his awkward position, but he was now very curious nonetheless.  
  
            A certain beautiful, lilting voice reached his ears just then, making his heart leap up into his throat. How utterly _amazing_ … he’d made a complete and utter _ass_ of himself in front of this beautiful young woman, and yet, for _some_ reason, she was still insistent on trying to talk to him. Even _more_ amazingly, on top of that, she was not only still willing to try and be friends with him if he so chose, but she had bagged up some of the cookies she made just for him. _Cookies_ for God’s sake! Surely, she was too precious and kind of a human being to ever _really_ care about a coward like him… But still, once he made absolutely sure she was gone, he snuck out onto his porch, snagged the bag of cookies and quickly went back inside.

            He very slowly opened the bag, as if afraid its contents would explode if not handled with extreme care. However, even with the bag open just a tiny bit, the incredible smell of fresh, warm chocolate chip cookies invaded his nose, practically making his body hum with delight as he grabbed one of the warm cookies out of the bag, and took a bite.

            In that one single moment, the world seemed to stop spinning as everything around him melted away. He could practically hear Lacey’s adorable laughter echoing in his ears, and could swear he felt her petite body enveloping his in a warm hug, telling him that everything was going to be okay. He could feel his eyes start to tear up with happiness, for no one had gifted him with this feeling of blissful comfort in _years_. Lacey wasn’t even in the same room as he, and yet, the pure love she put into making these cookies affected him like no other, and only made them taste all the sweeter.

            It was in that moment when he truly realized that, somehow, despite the fact he’d barely spoken two words to her, made a complete fool of himself in front of her, and had initially thought he was purely in _lust_ with her, he was irrevocably, absolutely head-over-heels in love with her.  
  
            He savored that first cookie quite a bit, reveling in the happiness it brought him, and almost instantly reached for another one once the first one was devoured. These really _were_ delicious cookies...

 

            _Now_ what was he supposed to do, though? He already attempted to talk to her before, and goodness knows how _that_ turned out… Why did that even- wait a second. _The_ _gnomes_. It _had_ to have been those gnomes in her yard turning his brain to mush… For God’s sake, they even _looked_ like the two of them… ‘ _doing it’_ in her front yard! Of _course_ he couldn’t concentrate on talking to Lacey with those two ceramic _things_ taunting him!

            …But how to get rid of them? He definitely had enough people that owed him favors to have someone steal it from her yard, but, then again, whom else would actually _want_ that blasted thing among their possessions considering one of the figures looked like their hated landlord being plowed by a pretty woman? He could have somebody _break it_! …No, no, poor Lacey would probably be heart-broken, and, honestly, so would he, considering the damn thing could end up being his only glimpse at what _could_ have been once Lacey inevitably turned her nose up at him like everyone else did eventually… _Wait a minute!_

            He grabbed his bag of cookies, and rushed to his office, gently and lovingly setting the bag down on his desk before searching through a bunch of files in a filing cabinet at the opposite end of the room. He removed a rather thick folder, slapping it on his desk and going through its contents until he found what he was looking for:

            This rather large document was a hard copy of the extensive list of rules and regulations for their HOA. He skimmed through the entire list of rules regarding the appearance of a property’s front yard, and, as he thought, you had to submit a request to the HOA in order to put a decoration or flag that wasn’t already on the list of pre-approved items or flags out on display. This was _perfect_! If he planned this right, removing the gnomes from her yard would be blamed on the HOA, he would be able to have the courage to talk to (and hopefully properly romance her, if she was willing) Lacey, and he wouldn’t get distracted! What could possibly go wrong?

            He picked up the phone and dialed the mayor’s office building, plugging in the extension for Zelena Greene (this town was so small that the HOA didn’t bother to have their own separate building to keep paperwork in, and also held meetings in one of Mayor Mills’ offices). He absolutely _detested_ talking to her since, frankly, the woman _so_ obviously, and practically _desperately_ , pined after him that it gave him the creeps, but he figured it would be worth it if his problem could be solved.  
  
            “Mr. _Gold!_ To what do I owe the _pleasure_?” she purred, trying (and totally failing) to sound seductive.

            He briefly held the phone away from him, covering up the speaker. By the way she talked to him, one would think he had just dialed a bloody _sex line,_ not the office of the HOA’s _President_ … He sighed with annoyance, and then held the phone back up to his ear before his silence could become suspicious.  
  
            “Well, _dearie_ , I’d like to file an _anonymous_ complaint to the HOA.” He said, putting _very_ heavy emphasis on ‘anonymous’.  
  
            “Oh, _my_! _Do_ tell!” she said, listening intently. 

            Gold proceeded to explain that his neighbor had put out some garden gnomes without the HOA’s approval (conveniently leaving out the bit that they could potentially be viewed as ‘offensive’), and that they were more than welcome to investigate the issue themselves if they didn’t believe him as long as they left _him_ out of it.  
  
  
            Frankly, Zelena seemed a bit _too_ enthusiastic about getting this ‘anonymous’ complaint filed and the issue taken of, but at least this meant that Gold didn’t have to worry about this ‘problem’ anymore, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....AND THEN GOD SAID "LOGIC? WHAT LOGIC?"
> 
> :trollface:
> 
> But no srsly, this woobie-af AU Gold's logic is one of those 'this sounded WAY better in my head'-type of situations, so if you're wondering why his logic is a bit weird, you can pretty much sum it up to "BELLE/LACEY REASONS" lol  
> This is super legit for, like, the entire rest of the story XD


	5. The Gnome-n Invasion (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of 2
> 
> ****
> 
> Okay, so, just gonna warn you now:  
> THIS PART IS A SUPER GODDAMN EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER.
> 
> I split this chapter into two parts for pretty much exactly that reason, and also because it would've been ridiculously stupidly long of a chapter otherwise. Plus I figure posting this in two parts will give y'all a chance to fucking BREATHE for second before continuing to read this nonsense ^^;  
> (*no seriously, the feels are SUPER strong up in here. Like, legit, you're gonna read it and probably be like 'HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW' afterwards or something)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to woodelf68 of Tumblr for the chapter title!!!  
> Saw it via a reblog and knew I just HAD to use it fuckin SOMEWHERE in this thing XD

_Belle sat on the floor in front of her bed hugging her knees as she sobbed so hard her throat started feeling raw, her eyes hurt, and her head ached. She was surrounded by what felt like hundreds of pieces of paper… A late water bill sat near her, half shoved under the bed, with a 2-day-late electric bill shoved all the way under the bed. The letter her mother wrote her to say goodbye before she passed away sat mere inches from her father’s Last Will and Testament, both in front of her feet. She was beginning to lose track of all the papers she had to go through, but clearly laying them all out at the same time had not been the best idea…_

_Her father passed away just two days ago, and the world was already deciding that it was totally fine to toss her into the real world head first without even giving her any advice on how to handle it. What was she supposed to do without any family to speak of? Who could she turn to? Who could she even trust anymore? As she pondered all of this in her head, the papers surrounding her suddenly rose up from the ground as if a gust of wind just blew them up into the air. In fact, the papers started to swirl around her like a tornado leaving her screaming with fear as they swallowed her whole._  
  
            _Then, there was nothing but silence and darkness around her._

 _Before she could even wonder if she was dead; however; the sound of city traffic started invading her ears just before her vision came back to her, revealing a girl she didn’t recognize: Her auburn hair was bunched up into a messy up-do, with some sky-blue colored streaks visible on top of her head, making some of the edges of her hair look like pretty blue fireworks exploding outwards. She wore heavy mascara, and the red lipstick, along with the blush on her cheeks was a bit crudely done, clearly the work of someone not very experienced with makeup. The girl’s hand reached out towards her…. No wait, reached towards a_ mirror _… tilting it downwards to reveal – Oh, good_ God.  
  
            _Turns out the girl… no, she_ herself _, was wearing a tacky, incredibly low-cut red dress with a push-up bra that let her boobs damn near fall out of the front, but even more scandalous yet, she tilted the mirror until it revealed an angry red hickey a bit above her collarbone, about where her neck met her shoulder, and she watched herself clumsily putting cover-up all over it attempting to hide it._

_“Girl, don’t worry about it, it looks_ totally _fine! I mean, really, if it were me, I wouldn’t even put makeup over it at_ all _since hickeys are total guy magnets!” said a feminine voice next to her._

 

            _Turns out she was in a car, since, when she turned her head to face whomever was talking to her, there was a blonde-haired girl sitting in front of a steering wheel that she_ legitimately _didn’t recognize_ at all _. She then heard herself talking back to the mysterious blonde.  
  
            “Well, I don’t really much believe you, but, I mean, _ fine, _whatever. I’m running out of cover-up anyways and don’t really want to go out and buy more just to cover up this nonsense... Yeah, you know what? Fuck it!” she said, rubbing what little cover-up she had put on the hickey, wincing as the pressure of her fingers rubbing it made it hurt a little bit.  
  
            “You _ go _, girl! Wear that shit like a badge of honor, and let's go get ‘em!” the blonde said, getting out of the car with a whoop._

_She felt herself nodding as she simultaneously got out of what turned out to be an_ incredibly _beat-to-hell car, and started walking towards a dark looking building with a big, glowing neon sign out front. She started hearing some clicking noise as she walked, only to realize that it was coming from a pair of killer stiletto heels she was wearing._

 

            _Before she could open the door though, her vision and hearing faded away again._

_This time, when her hearing came back, she heard the sound of a muted bass thumping to a steady beat, but the most prominent noise by far was the sound of someone moaning in pleasure. She could also smell cigarette smoke… was that coming from her? It took her a second, but eventually she realized that, low and behold, the moans she heard was coming from_ herself _. On top of that, she realized that, no_ wonder _she couldn’t bloody see anything, her eyes were_ closed _!_  
  
            _She opened her eyes, inwardly gasping as she did so. In front of her now was a completely different girl whose shirt was off, and one of her bra straps was sliding down her shoulder as she leaned back in towards her and began sensuously kissing her neck. She heard herself purr with delight as the girl’s attentions started moving down her neck and towards her mostly exposed breasts. Turns out she was being pressed against a cold wall, since the temperature difference (and possibly something else) was making her shiver a little. She could also feel one of the girl’s hands starting to go up her thigh, making her reach around and cup the other girl’s ass with a sexy growl emitting from her throat as she did so._

 _Suddenly she vaguely heard a guy’s voice say her name.  
  
            “Hey Lacey, mind if I… join in?” the man said.  
  
            Wait, her name was _ Lacey? _She thought it was_ Belle _… Oh wait, that’s right… she changed her name after…  
  
            She looked down at the other girl who somehow managed to pop one of Lacey’s breasts right out of her dress, sensuously teething and sucking one of her nipples as her some of her fingers were beginning to edge towards the edge of her panties.  
  
            “I’m normally a bit greedy, but I suppose this time I could share _ just _this once…” the girl purred._

_Lacey raked her eyes over the newcomer, liking what she saw.  
  
            “You should _ totally _let him join you, he’s_ hot _!” a small voice that sounded very similar to her own chimed in._

_Suddenly, a very tiny version of herself appeared on one of her shoulders. She stood confidently, with one hand on her cocked hip, and the other gripping what appeared to be a pool cue, using it almost like some kind of staff. She wore a low-cut, sleeveless, dark blue shirt, which was_ so _low-cut, in fact, that the top of a black, lacey bra peeked out enticingly. The up-do she styled allowed a pretty pearl necklace she wore around her neck with some matching pearl earrings to be_ very _visible. She had some very sleek, tight black pants on that hugged the curves of her legs, all the way down to her feet, which sported a pair of fancy black stilettos. The tiny Lacey smiled up at her, raising a single eyebrow, giving her a_ “What are you waiting for?” _-type look._

_“_ I _wouldn’t do that if_ I _were you!”_ another _small voice that sounded suspiciously similar to her own chimed in._

_Yet_ another _tiny version of herself appeared on her other shoulder, but this one had her hair down, allowing her curly auburn locks to flow freely around her shoulders. This one wore a bright yellow sundress that went past her knees in length. She wore no makeup to speak of except what looked vaguely like some glittery lip-gloss, making her lips shimmer prettily. Instead of stilettos, this one wore cute, tan sandals upon her tiny feet. Her outfit was so brightly colored, it was almost as if she literally radiated sunlight. This version also, interestingly, had a rather large book open in front of her as she sat on Lacey’s shoulder, letting her bare legs swing back and forth a little.  
  
            “…and may I remind you,” she continued, “that I _ am _you?” she said, frowning, and raising an eyebrow with disapproval.  
  
            The Lacey on her other shoulder let out a very un-lady-like snort.  
  
            “Umm, excuse me, bitch, but _ I’m _Lacey, remember?_ You _haven’t been around for_ years _now and you know it! We’ve been over this about a_ million _times now!_ Fuck! _When are you going to get over yourself already?” said mini Lacey #1._

_“First off, how many times have I told you not to swear? It’s incredibly un-lady-like. Secondly, no matter what you say or do to try to prove that it’s not true,_ we are one in the same _. Two sides of the same coin. Like yin and yang, and darkness and light. The only reason I, as you say, ‘haven’t been around’, is because you’ve been pushing me away. Even though I’ve been trying to prove to you that I’m, in the very least, the larger part of who you are in any way that I can, you keep associating me with sadness, and not listening to me. You can’t get rid of me just by changing your name, after all.” said Lacey #2, turning a page of her book once she stopped talking._

_“…That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, but if I_ did _somehow believe you, I’d_ still _tell you that you were full of shit! I mean seriously, we’re about to get friggin’_ laid _right now! How’s getting your freak on running_ away _from happiness? I’d think you’d agree that we’re diving head first_ into _happiness!” mini Lacey #1 squeaked with frustration._

_“…or potentially into a bunch of STDs…” mini Lacey #2 murmured, rolling her eyes before turning another page of her book._

_“Bitch, you wanna say that shit to my face?” mini Lacey #1 barked, visibly starting to get angry.  
  
            “That _ shit _.” mini Lacey #2 said, smirking before turning serious again. “Look, I don’t think this guy can be trusted. Or, as_ you _would probably say, ‘This guy be ‘_ cray _’’.” She snarked._

_Mini Lacey #1 rolled her eyes so far back that it was almost surprising they were still in her head. Mini Lacey #1 then confidently looked up at the normal-size Lacey’s face._

_“Look, girl. I_ promise _, the kind of ‘happiness’ that_ she’s _talking about only exists in the fairy-tales n shit like the ones mum used to read to us when we were little. It_ doesn’t _exist. We_ thought _we were perfectly happy when we were little cause mum and papa were always looking after us, then BAM. There goes mum. We didn’t do nothin’ wrong, and yet, look where it fuckin’ got us, huh? And, even better, just when we thought things were finally looking up, BAM! There goes papa! No amount of_ love _can bring them back. We can’t snap our fingers and magically make people live forever….”_  
  
             Mini Lacey #1’s speech trailed off a little, with her looking away for a moment in silence, then shaking her head as if to encourage herself to snap out of something.

_“Bottom line,_ she’s _trying to lead you down the path she thinks is_ ‘better’ _or whatever, but_ I’m _gonna lead you down the path that_ rocks!” mini  _Lacey #1 said, jamming on an air guitar. “Now bring that hot piece of ass over here!” she said, pointing to the gentleman across the room, crooking her finger towards him before disappearing with a_ POOF _._

_It was Lacey #2’s turn to roll her eyes this time, groaning with exasperation, and poof-ing herself away shortly after._

_Lacey felt herself crook her finger towards the handsome man across the room just as Lacey #1 had done, summoning the man to her side, or more appropriately, her back. Lacey moved off the wall and forward a bit to make room for the newcomer. She tilted her head as she felt the man start planting kisses up her neck until he got to her lips, giving a rather chaste kiss until Lacey forced his lips open with hers, wanting to get a better taste of him. His hands began to trail up and down her torso until he reached her pert breasts, squeezing and massaging gently as she felt the mystery woman nibbling at the inside of her thighs. Lacey smiled as she felt a certain_ something _pressing against her rump, sensually grinding her ass against him in return to show her appreciation._

_“So… what’s_ your _name, handsome?” Lacey purred in his ear._

_“You can call me Will…” he said, sounding next to out of breath already._

_Things started getting a bit heated, but just as Lacey’s dress was finally being peeled off her body, her vision faded once again._

_This time, she was in a rather large bed, completely naked and absolutely covered in little love bites from her breasts all the way down to her knees. Looking around, she immediately caught sight of the same girl who had previously been shirtless next to her, but now was seemingly naked, under a sheet, and sound asleep with a contented smile on her face. Lacey got out of the bed with care, not wanting to wake the woman next to her._

_She walked on wobbly legs to the bathroom where she quickly cleaned herself up, then stepped back into the room. She gathered up the skimpy articles of clothing she had been wearing, and then approached her purse to grab her cell phone and check for any missed calls… Only to find that her phone wasn’t in it._  
  
            ….and neither was her wallet.

_Her face blanched, immediately going to the mystery woman’s purse. Upon sorting through its contents, she found that the woman’s wallet was missing as well. God only knows if she had a phone, but if she did, it definitely wasn’t in there…  
  
            She dressed as quickly as she could, trying very hard not to panic just yet. But then, she finally noticed: there was no sign of Will anywhere. She was fairly certain all _ three _of them had entered this room last night, so where the hell was he?  
  
            ….Oh God.  
  
            “I _ told _you that was a bad idea!” a familiar voice squeaked._

_Sure enough, mini Lacey #2 appeared on her shoulder, crossing her arms, somehow holding her huge book in one hand and tapping her foot angrily as she stared Lacey down.  
  
            “Ugghh, _ FINE _, you were right about Will, but apparently you completely forgot we just got_ laid _last night!” mini Lacey #1 purred as she appeared with her pool cue in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other with her hair mussed and her outfit a touch… rumpled.  
  
            “_ God _, is sex_ all _you think about?” mini Lacey #2 huffed.  
  
            “Hey, at least _ I _have a hobby!” mini Lacey #1 said, sitting on a lounge chair that she poofed into existence for herself._  
  
            “…and look where it lead us!” mini Lacey #2 said, gesturing to actual-size Lacey’s purse.  
  
            Mini Lacey #1 rolled her eyes.  
  
            Shortly afterwards, Lacey’s vision went dark yet again.

_The next thing she saw was a sheet of paper in her hand. It was from a women’s clinic, and these seemed to be the results of her getting ‘tested’. She was clean.  
  
            “Ha! Suck on _ that _!” mini Lacey #1 chided at mini Lacey #2 while doing what appeared to be a ‘happy dance’.  
  
            Interestingly, Lacey’s vision didn’t go completely dark this time after it started to blur. The shapes and colors simply morphed themselves into, well, _ other _shapes and colors before becoming clear.  
  
            This time, she appeared to be a very nicely decorated little condo. It seemed very homey, and… _ very _familiar…_  
  
            Lacey looked around a bit. She saw a blazing fire going in a beautiful stone fireplace, with little framed pictures on the mantle above it. The furniture was very stylish and, frankly, looked brand new. From here, she could see an adorable looking kitchen across the way, which she immediately walked towards to access the refrigerator.

_She opened it, revealing a massive amount of food inside, but grabbed a half-full bottle of wine out of it, popping off the cork and pouring herself a small glass before putting back in the fridge. The wine was very sweet, and made her smile with every sip she took, slightly zoning out as she leaned against the counter and let her wine circle around within the glass._  
  
            Suddenly, a powerful, booming male voice echoed in the room:

_“Lacey, baby, I’m home!” the man said._

_  
It was Gaston. He looked around the family room briefly until he happened to glance in the open kitchen and spot Lacey with her wine glass, doing a double-take in her direction before coming quickly towards her._

_Before she knew it, he was behind her, trailing his hands up her thighs and her hips until he reached her stomach, gently pulling her towards his front. Lacey’s breath hitched as she felt him kiss her bare shoulder and grope one of her breasts. His lips made their way up her neck and then left a kiss on the side of her lips.  
  
            She froze at this particular moment. She could smell a heavy amount of alcohol on his breath.  
  
            “…You’ve been out drinking with your friends again, haven’t you?” she said coldly, no longer wishing to return his affections.  
  
            “I have _ NOT! _” he practically yelled in her ear, immediately releasing her and backing away towards the fridge._

_Lacey turned around to face him, only to see his face already contorting into a frightening, angry look._

_“You’re the_ worst _liar in the world, you know that? I can_ smell _the alcohol on you, and I know you’ve been going out with your friends after work more and more, despite the fact you never call me to let me know where you are since you can never resist letting the_ rest _of the world know what you’re doing with Faceboook!” she said, trying to remain calm._

_“Fuck, Lacey! I can never do_ anything _right in your eyes can I?!” he cried.  
  
            His voice was starting to rapidly increase in volume, and she could see his cheeks and chest beginning flush with anger.  
  
            “You nag at me _ constantly _, telling me what to do and how to live my life, so of_ course _I don’t want to tell you anything since all you’ll do is give me shit for it no matter what!” he yelled, raking his nails down the sides of his head.  
  
            “_ Reminding _you multiple times during the day to not forget to stop at the supermarket on your way home since you’ll forget if I only tell you once, especially since you’ve done that multiple times and I don’t know what else to bloody do, is not_ ‘nagging’ _._ Suggesting _that you try to eat healthier food instead of grabbing fast food for, more often than not, lunch_ and _dinner almost every bloody day of the week is not ‘telling you how to live your life’. I’m not one of your ‘bar buddies’, I’m your_ girlfriend _. I should be allowed to be concerned when it’s 11pm, you haven’t spoken a single word to me all day, and you’re still not home yet, leaving me wide awake and worried! I’d tell you that you’re allowed to be concerned about me too, but I’m not even sure you care about me anymore, since you only seem to really pay attention to me when you want sex!” Lacey cried out, with her voice starting to rise in volume as well.  
  
            “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND _ ANYTHING _!” he damn near screamed, howling with rage as he picked up a coffee maker from behind him, throwing it across the room, allowing the coffee pot to shatter into a thousand pieces. The plastic of the rest of the appliance broke into pieces as well, with some of the edges cracking and splintering from the force. The wall now had quite the dent in it from the sheer force of the appliance hitting the wall._  
  
_Lacey’s eyes welled up with tears as she ran out of the room, and out the front door of their condo, screaming as she suddenly fell into a deep dark hole, falling deeper and deeper as the darkness began to consume her, and-_

            Lacey bolted upright with a terrified scream. Her hair was an absolute mess, most likely from violently tossing and turning. Her cheeks were wet, clearly from tears she had shed in her sleep, with wet drops residing on the loose pajama shirt she wore.  
  
            She took a second to compose herself, breathing in and out slowly before grabbing her phone and dialing the only number she could think of to call.

            As per usual, he picked up on the first ring.

 

            “He-“ he started.

            “Hey Jeff?” Lacey said, cutting him off.

           

            “….Yeah?” Jefferson yawned.

           

            “So, usually, in the movies n’ stuff, when a character more-or-less has their life flash before their eyes, doesn’t that mean that a climax or something is about to happen that majorly affects the character’s…. well, _character_ , and there’s also potentially some major plot development?” Lacey asked, moving a stray piece of hair out of her face.  
           

            Lacey already knew the answer to this question, but in reality, she wanted, if not _needed,_ someone else to say what she was not quite willing to let slip past her lips.  
           

            “First off, that’s somehow weirdly  _profound_ of a question for you to be asking at this time of morning, considering you’re normally, well, _not_ very _‘you’_ at this point in time during the day, at least not without _coffee_ , but I’m going to go with ‘Yes, I think, it typically does’. Why do you ask?” Jefferson (sort of) answered.

 

            “…No reason…” she said quietly.  
  
            “… Would you like to talk about this supposedly non-existent reason?” he asked back.  
  
            “No… Look, just…I’ll call you later, okay?” she said.  
  
            “I’ll be here when you do.” He said kindly before hanging up on his end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...sorry??
> 
> *goes and rolls around in feels in a corner cause part of this ended up being a weird combination of different shitty conversations/events that actually occurred IRL and chances are pretty high that this was about ten times more difficult for me to WRITE than it was for you to read*
> 
> #i can't even


	6. The Gnome-n Invasion (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...A.K.A "Hopin' On The Feels Train" Part II lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (8/11) ...So there's a chance you just saw the fic's name change, didn't you?
> 
> I'm incredibly pleased to give a MASSIVE shout out to endangeredslug on Tumblr (a.k.a Endangered_Slug here on Ao3) for this fic's official title! Woo!  
> So I was at my parents’ house when I read this suggestion for the title and literally almost fell out of my fucking chair laughing while my brain simultaneously exploded from overexposure to pure awesome, to where my mom knocks on the door of the room I’m in and sees me half dying with laughter like ‘wth’ holy shit, dude, that was pure GOLD XD
> 
> Thanks to all who provided title suggestions via Tumblr, and to everybody who's been reading this fic, you all are adorable and I love you <3

-SOME HOURS LATER-

 

            Mr. Gold started up his Cadillac with a sigh. Thankfully after the absolutely atrocious phone conversation with Zelena yesterday, that at least _somewhat_ motivated him to stop his ridiculous worrying and whatnot and continue on with his life. He was a grown adult (if not practically _past_ that in his opinion) for goodness sake; he shouldn’t be letting one woman affect him this much! Granted, he _did_ finally come to terms with the fact that he had ever so slightly, maybe, kinda sort of… _fallen in love with her_ , but that certainly didn’t mean he couldn’t be a rational human being… 

            Speaking of Lacey, he had been rather disappointed earlier this morning since he’d been denied his daily lovely view of Lacey… Ever since she had first planted some seedlings in her backyard not too long after moving into her new house, she had taken to going out into her backyard in an oversized shirt that drooped to one side, exposing one of her pale shoulders, some adorable little bunny slippers, a cup of coffee, and frankly, not much else, much to his delight, during the same time of morning each day without fail. 

            …Besides whatever pair of lacey (how fitting) panties she chose to wear for the day that is. Not that he had, originally, accidentally gotten a rather nice view of the black and red-colored pair she wore the first morning he saw her going out, and then happened to “accidentally” see the other pairs she happened to choose every day since that point or anything. That would just be wrong, and possibly a touch creepy. Plus that wouldn’t be very neighborly of him now, would it?  
  
            He had actually begun to get a touch worried about her as he began to pull out of his garage. Did something bad happen to her? Did she somehow suddenly get sick overnight perhaps? Well, whatever it was, he decided he should help somehow…. despite the fact that even the _thought_ of attempting to face her again practically made _him_ feel sick with nervousness and all. He took a deep breath through the nose, grabbing the portable coffee mug sitting in one of the cup-holders and took a nice big swig- until he happened to glance up into Lacey’s front yard from underneath his lashes and proceed to spit coffee all over the passenger seat of his car.  
  
            His mouth fell agape, surprisingly lifting his other hand to catch the slight bit of coffee that began to dribble down his chin and neck, despite the fact his eyes were absolutely glued to her front yard. There were now _FIVE_ gnomes in her yard. Or, at least… He took a second to actually count them. There were five _pieces_ in her yard, and technically there were about _10_ actual gnomes. But, you know, who’s counting right?

 

            There were, of course, the two original gnomes who started this whole mess in the first place, still taunting him as usual, but the others made him want to absolutely faint. Of all things, there was a gnome _threesome_ happening closer to Lacey’s front porch… He wasn’t entirely sure the position these particular ones were in was even humanly possible, but holy _smokes_ did it catch his eye… It almost looked as if two of them had started in some sort of 69-ing position originally, only for the third one to want to join in, so they essentially formed some kind of weird 69-ing ‘wheel’ of sorts… He was fairly certain one _had_ to be an acrobat of some sort to even _attempt_ that….  
  
            As for the other three (or, at least the three _sets_ anyways), there was one (literally, _one_.) with his little legs sinfully spread apart, seemingly about to jerk himself off, but not before smirking at whoever happened to be gazing at him. Gold practically found himself wishing he was that bloody bold. There were two other ones where a male gnome seemed to be very happily taking another male gnome’s cock into his mouth (oh _Lord_ …), but the last ones he saw just about broke him. There was a new set of two gnomes that were a bit similar to the first set of gnomes Lacey had put in her yard in terms of looks, but the girl was about to intimately sit on the boy’s lap, with the boy smirking and the girl’s mouth forming an “O” shape as she looked upwards, eyes wide and bright. Well, that or she was moving upwards again, after having fully taking him to the hilt, and- _What the bloody hell was he_ thinking?

 

            These things were most likely made of _ceramic_ for crying out loud, they weren’t _real_ or anything! Even more so, were they not so… well… _intimate_ , to put it politely, he probably would have even gotten something like this in his pawn shop to sell at some point. For God’s sake, he even sold things such as nude paintings in his shop, so what was his problem?! Which, speaking of, he had been on his way to, and really needed to _keep_ heading to, but unfortunately, he now had to clean up the coffee he had spit out, lest it stain the beautiful, well taken care of leather in the interior of his car.

            He sighed, pulling out his phone and taking a picture of these new gnomes in her yard. As much as he didn’t like it, he’d have Zelena deal with it, since he truly didn’t have time for this nonsense today…

            After carefully cleaning the coffee out of his precious car, he finally backed out of his driveway, turned onto the street, then pulled up to Lacey’s house. He took a deep breath, and briefly got out of the car. He hobbled to her mailbox as quickly as he could, deposited the bottle of cold medicine he had bought specifically for her into it, not hearing the gentle _clink_ noise near his feet, got back in his car, and then speedily drove off to his pawn shop, smiling to himself all the while. 

********

            Not ten minutes after Gold was out of sight, Lacey just happened to walk out of her front door sleepily, stretching her arms towards the sky just before heading to her mailbox. She pretty much fully expected to receive a bunch of dumb junk mail like usual, but that morning, she learned first hand to always be prepared to expect the unexpected. There _was_ some stuff that looked like junk mail, but there happened to be a random box of cold medicine in there too… Unwrapped, unopened… _cough medicine_. Why even…?

            She took it out of her mailbox, examining it and wondering who it was from, when something rather shiny next to her feet caught her eye: it was… a _pocket watch_? Goodness, there were some strange, random items showing up at her house today! She kneeled down and picked up the pretty watch, turning it this way and that in her hand. Then, she suddenly got even more curious, pressing the tiny button on top to open the latch, and-

 

            She gasped. The face of the clock was _beautiful_. The Roman numerals looked as if they were written in a very fancy, handwritten script, and even the hands of the watch were very intricate and detailed, like someone shrunk the hands of a majestic grandfather clock and fit them in this tiny, precious treasure. What really caught her eye though was the inside of watch’s cover. It was a picture of what looked like a younger Mr. Gold wearing a suit (as per usual) and a small smile on his face, while crouching next to an adorable, happy little boy with a mop of curly, dark brown hair and beautiful brown eyes.  
  
            She smiled, putting two and two together as she looked from the pocket watch to the cold medicine and back again. She then took to gently tucking the pocket watch into her bra since she lacked pockets in this particular outfit she was wearing. It was times like these when she thanked God that she had smaller breasts like these, or else she probably wouldn’t be able to pull stunts like this without crushing the precious thing or worse. …Well, she _did_ have to get the rest of her mail out of the mailbox somehow, and she only had two hands, didn’t she? Whatever the case, she was certainly not blind, and could see an opportunity when one was thrust upon her.

*******  
  
            Gold sat behind a glass display case, looking at a bunch of clock parts that he had laid out on a nice green cloth. He really hadn’t been able to get a whole lot done today since his mind was, well, _elsewhere_ , but he was determined to at least get this small Swiss cuckoo clock back in working order. Then, at least, he would feel he accomplished _something_ , and not return home feeling like a pathetic failure.  
  
            He was tinkering with a couple of its parts when suddenly the little bell above the front door jingled lightly, making him glance up to see who it was. He was about to look back down, not being all that interested and routinely tell them that they could look around as much as they liked, when he did a double-take at what he saw. There in the store looking around in awe at all the knick-knacks and antiques and things within his store was _Lacey_. What on _Earth_ could she be doing here? She didn’t _look_ like the type who would fancy antiques and such, but then again, she _did_ have those… _interesting_ gnomes in her front yard, and really, he had certainly been proven wrong before…

 

            It took him a minute to remember how to speak while gazing upon this gorgeous creature, but thankfully, his voice came to him, even if it did happen to stutter a bit as he looked back down, hoping to concentrate on what he had been doing previously.

 

            “F-feel free to browse, and let me know if you’d need any assistance today…” he said as calmly as he could manage.

 

            _Mmmmm_ …. _There_ was that sexy accent that she loved… Lacey had to admit that, back when she was in the process of purchasing her house, she _had_ rather enjoyed hearing Mr. Gold’s brogue over the phone, even if he was talking about something incredibly mundane. She also may or may not have happened to conjure up his voice in her head to… ‘ _finish_ ’, as it were, during some lonely nights when her usual tricks weren’t enough, making the sound of his voice all the more delectable. It had only gotten better when she finally had a face (and _body_ ) to associate with the name and voice.  
  
            She quietly walked up to the front counter with a sneaky smile on her face at seeing Mr. Gold’s cheeks begin to turn red as she got closer. Something in her just _knew_ he had a thing for her, especially since he seemed to get progressively more nervous around her by the day, poor thing. She had to admit, it was actually kind of sweet having someone pine after her _this_ damn much, and she found it much more flattering than the usual looks she got from men that looked like they wanted to eat her rather than take her for a long walk along the beach or something. She supposed she reaped what she sowed, what with the types of outfits she tended to wear and all, but she had always figured that _some_ attention was better than _no_ attention… right?  
  
            “As a matter of fact, you _can_ help me, Mr. _Gold…_ ” she said, emphasizing _‘Gold’_ with a bit of a purr in her lilting voice.  
  
            Poor thing practically almost jumped out of his skin, but thankfully only twitched a bit in shock from hearing her voice suddenly so close to him. His eyes grew wide as he looked her in the eyes for a moment, loving the way one of her eyebrows quirked up at his shocked expression, with her smile slowly turning into a smirk with realization. He shot up ramrod straight, attempting to put himself back into his businessman’s persona, but not before happening to catch a slight glimmer of something in her bra, that she seemed more than happy to show him, what with the way she had been leaning over the counter...  
  
            “So I happened to find _this_ in my mailbox today… Would you happen to know anything about it, Mr. _Gold_?” she said, holding up the cold medicine. “It’s even bubblegum flavored… how cute.” She smiled, shaking the box side to side a little in front of his face.

           

            She saw a flash of realization in his eyes, as they grew slightly wider when she shook the box in front of him. The look of vulnerability went away just about as fast as it came though, with him trying _so_ hard to look like he had no idea what she was talking about. 

            “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about Ms. French.” He said, clearly starting to crack under her gaze.  
  
           

            Ah _ha_ , just as she predicted. He was falling right into her trap…

 

            “Well, actually, I found something _else_ near my mailbox as well…” she began, reaching towards her shirt.

 

            _“What on Earth could she have found that had something to do with her shirt- OH MY LORD.”_ He thought to himself.

 

            Lacey reached into the middle of her shirt, pulling out a gold, circular object that actually looked quite familiar…. His face momentarily went pale as he practically slapped one of his suit jacket’s pockets where his wallet happened to be. He felt his wallet, but the other half of the pocket was uncharacteristically empty. _Oh Lord…_ He knew he was blatantly giving himself away, but this was legitimately important. He reached into the pocket, pulling out a nice gold chain, where one of the loops at the end of it seemed to be a bit bent out of shape. He swore under his breath. He _knew_ he should have gotten a better chain… After all, if he had, this wouldn’t have happened.

 

            …But then again, if he had, _this_ wouldn’t have _happened..._  
  
            “So since this is _very_ clearly yours, I’ll give it back to you, but have to answer some questions for me in return. Deal?” she asked, extending her hand.

 

            Gold fidgeted a little bit, not really knowing what to do at first. She _did_ have something in her possession that meant a great deal to him that he’d retrieve at any cost, but she didn’t specify what _kind_ of questions she wanted to ask… Were they going to be embarrassing? Did she want him to make a fool of himself even more in front of her than he already had? Well, whatever the case, there was only one way to find out…

           

            “Deal.” He said, firmly shaking her small hand.  
  
            Lacey smiled, happy that she could get even _this_ far with him. This was actually going much better than she had anticipated. She knew that this was a bit childish, but, frankly, in her perspective, Gold had been acting a bit childish around her, too… He practically _ran away_ from her like a scared child at one point! Really, who even _does_ that?  
  
            “First question, and you _have_ to tell me the truth, or no pocket watch for you, mister!” she began.

 

            Frankly, she didn’t have it in her to _really_ not give him back his precious pocket watch, and she also knew this was probably a bit underhanded to boot, but she figured it would get him to _actually_ tell her the truth, if nothing else.  
  
            “Do you _really_ not know who put this cold medicine in my mailbox?” she asked.  
  
            “I…I thought you might be sick.” He said, looking away from her a bit in embarrassment.  
  
            “Do I _look_ sick?” she asked him curiously, with her head tilting to the side with a bit of concern.

 

            “Oh… oh, no! I mean, well, now that I see you actually up and about, you look…” he said, starting to lose his nerve.

 

            “I look…?” she said gently, trying to help him finish his sentence.

 

            “…You… you look fine. –Er, I mean, _more_ than fine, honestly, but- _oh_ …” he said, covering his face a little bit with one hand as his cheeks began to turn a bit red.

 

            Lacey then smiled with newfound understanding. Seeing him talk to her like this was shedding some light on the situation, and her empathy for him grew by the second. After all, she had actually been the same way for a bit during middle school, what with still being quite new to the United States and all, and not having a whole lot of friends…  
  
            She extended her other hand towards him, very gently holding the hand he used to cover his face with.

 

            “Hey, it’s okay…” she cooed sweetly. “Really, I’m just messing with you a bit, this isn’t a _real_ interrogation session or anything.” She said, chuckling a little.  
  
            Gold moved his hand away from his face a little, allowing Lacey the opportunity to fully grab his hand and guide it away from his face.  
  
            “There, now… Now I can see your pretty face!” she beamed.  
  
            …Good _God_ this woman was going to kill him. He had started flubbing up in front of her _again_ , exactly as he had feared he’d do, and yet, she showed an amazing amount of compassion for someone she’d hardly ever spoken to, taking his hand in order to try and calm his nerves. She radiated kindness like sunshine, so much that she practically glowed with ethereal light like some kind of guardian angel.  
  
            “I… yes, umm, anyway…” he began. “You usually, well… you usually go out into your backyard in the morning as of late to take care of the garden you appear to be growing, and this morning you weren’t there at all… With how much dedication you had showed to your garden, I figured only sickness of some kind could keep you away, so, I…” he trailed off, as his cheeks turned even redder, and his ears started to tinge red as well with embarrassment.  
  
            Now, _some_ women would probably find it creepy that her next-door neighbor was (apparently) constantly watching her go out into her backyard to water her plants every morning, but not for Lacey French… First off, yes, she _did_ need to water her plants on a routine schedule so she wouldn’t forget, but she had noticed that Mr. Gold rose quite early in the morning, and since she liked being able to catch little glimpses of him during the day, she started coordinating her ‘schedule’ with his. This pretty much just told her that her plan was working. Plus, it was actually kind of sweet that he showed that much concern for someone he didn’t know very well…  
  
            “Didn’t know you cared so much about me…” she said sweetly, batting her eyelashes cutely at him, making him mentally stumble a bit.  
  
            “Umm… thank you?” he said shyly.

 

            “Second question!” she said excitedly, making poor Gold almost jump a bit.  
  
            Lacey then proceeded to press the tiny button on top of the pocket watch, opening its cover once again to reveal Mr. Gold and the little boy.  
  
            “Okay, so _clearly_ this is you…” she said while pointing to the younger Gold in the picture. “So… is this… your… _son_?” she asked, unsure.  
  
            It took Gold a minute to compose himself after she asked this, with him remaining silent for easily a solid minute (even though it _felt_ like an hour). For whatever reason, he hadn’t expected her to actually _open_ the pocket watch. Obviously he now realized that this was a very dumb assumption considering it was _Lacey French_ he was dealing with. Nonetheless, he had to come clean if he wanted that watch back…

 

            “Yes…. Yes, it is. That’s my son, Baeden when he was about eight years old… As a matter of fact, he’s the one who gave me this pocket watch.” He said.  
           

            “When was that?” she asked him.  
  
            “Actually, he gave it to me when he was seven…” he answered.

 

            Lacey’s eyes widened. Oh, there was _definitely_ a story attached to this, and by God, she would find out what it was if it killed her.  
           

            “This looks like quite the nice pocket watch… how did a seven-year-old possibly afford this? No offense or anything…” she said.  
  
            Then, surprisingly, Gold _chuckled_.  
  
            …Goodness _gracious.._. And she had thought just his _normal_ voice was attractive… it took practically all of her self-control to not whimper upon hearing the incredibly masculine and yet, somehow, lighthearted sounding chuckle that made her knees go weak. She never thought in a million years she’d be this attracted to someone’s _laugh_ of all things, but hey, there was a first time for everything, she supposed.

 

            “I remember asking him the exact same thing, but Lord knows Bae was _very_ glad to tell me just how he _did_ afford this old thing…” he said, starting to weave together the beautiful, yet heart-breaking tale of the old pocket watch.

           

            _Despite being quite nervous around pretty women (and just nervous around_ people _in general), he somehow managed to catch the attention of a beautiful young woman named Milah. In his opinion, this was an outright miracle considering he was even_ more _shy and bashful around a girl he happened to fancy than he was around Lacey in the present day. It was rather crippling, barely being able to talk to the woman of his affections without his face flaming and his ears going red... Although, luckily for him, Milah had thought his actions were adorable._  
  
            _She claimed that it didn’t matter to her that she was taller than him by a little bit, and she didn’t care that she made more money than he did. He was a sweet man who wanted the absolute best for her, and what else could she possibly want?_

 _Well, apparently, she wanted a_ lot _of things despite her claims… They had, seemingly, been happily in love, all up until she had given birth to Baeden Nicodemus Gold not long after she married Mr. Gold. He could only guess that motherhood was quickly overwhelming her, since she started leaving their son with him in their big, new salmon- colored house (that, of course,_ she _insisted on buying, almost purely for the color of the house more than anything else) more and more in order to go shopping for a bunch of fancy outfits in which to go to fancy parties, clubs, and a whole lot more, which cost a whole hell of a lot of money. While it was true that Milah made a lot of money and could very easily support all three of them and still have plenty to spare, she instead chose to insist that whatever money they each made on their own was the money each of them were able to spend on themselves, whether it was something one of them truly needed or not. Poor Gold, not wanting Milah to feel like she couldn’t make large decisions like that for the two of them, he let her do as she wished. This went well for a while, with the two of them agreeing to pull their funds together when it came to Bae’s needs since, if they fiscally joined forces, sweet, little Bae would never want for anything…up until it all came crashing down._

_It started when Bae was around 2 years old, with Milah suddenly beginning to formulate excuses as to why she had no money to put towards their son’s needs, even simply for diapers. Thankfully, the need for specifically diapers had disappeared quite a bit quicker than they anticipated, with their bright son already being incredibly eager to learn anything and everything his parents were willing to teach him, but Milah’s excuses still kept rolling in. At first, they were at least somewhat practical excuses, such as her suddenly needing her car repaired, and it costing more money than she anticipated, but the excuses started to become too ridiculous even for her trusting, loyal husband to believe.  
  
            He finally worked up the courage to confront her about it a full year later, not 4 months after Baeden’s 3 rd birthday. She was outraged, claiming that he was asking _far _too much of her, he was absolutely smothering her with his needs (which was_ very _far from the truth of course), and she needed some time away to collect her thoughts. She had packed about three bags, one filled with possessions she claimed she could never be_ too _far away from, one entirely filled with clothes and shoes, and God only knows what could’ve been in the third one… She had said that she was going away for about 2 weeks or so, and, of course, Gold believed her, even insisting that taking a long vacation might be good for her. She, of course, was delighted that they ‘_ finally _agreed on something for once’, and, barely saying goodbye to her husband, let alone her own son, she left.  
  
            Two weeks came and went, with innocent little Bae growing more and more excited about getting to see Mama again after her long vacation. Gold smiled warmly at Bae’s enthusiasm, ensuring he couldn’t wait to see her as well. Although, truth be told, he didn’t have the heart to tell poor Bae that he actually wasn’t entirely sure he was looking forward to seeing his wife at all… Lord knows she had been acting quite odd for quite some time now, and he tried to brush it off as nothing, but he had begun to suspect she was possibly mingling with a ‘bad crowd’ that pressured her into acting this way, or worse, she was cheating on him. He _ really _didn’t want to think about it too much though…  
  
            Then, a full two months after Milah had left on her “two week vacation”, much to his embarrassment and shame, he received a phone call from a very drunken man, going on and on about Gold’s wife, saying how good in bed she was, and all kinds of things that made his stomach churn nervously. He had tried to dismiss the man, saying that he was clearly very drunk and didn’t know what he was talking about… until he heard Milah in the background. There was a bit of rustling with the phone, and then Milah herself was on the phone, drunkenly agreeing with _ everything _the man had said and more. Even worse, she told him she got_ engaged _to this mysterious drunken man. Gold began seeing red, getting into a yelling match with Milah on the phone before slamming the phone down onto its receiver and crying his eyes out. Not just for himself, but also for their beautiful, innocent son, who would now potentially grow up without his mother being constantly present in his life._

 _Thankfully, this fear was at least_ somewhat _put to rest when Milah begrudgingly agreed to have joint custody over Bae so the poor boy could actually see his mother every once in a while. Bae was to stay with his father during the school year, so he could develop steady friendships, have an overall stable existence, and not have to suddenly move to a whole new place, tearing him from everything he’d ever known, and he’d go to stay with his mother during the summer._  
  
            _This went on until Bae turned seven years old. His birthday fell a touch before he would leave to go see his mother, but this year, Milah insisted that she wanted to throw Bae the best birthday ever, wanting Bae to come visit her a bit earlier than usual so she could throw the party on his actual birthday. Gold reluctantly agreed, telling Bae that they could have their own equally cool ‘Boys only’ birthday party when Bae got back from visiting with Mama. The two of them said their goodbyes after Gold flew with him to where Milah was, with Milah quickly whisking Bae away._

_Time practically flew by with Bae calling his Papa almost every day, telling him, of course, about the admittedly_ really _awesome birthday party Milah had thrown him, stuff he got to go do and see, and all kinds of things that seven-year-old boys liked to talk about. He got one of the most terrifying phone calls of his life; however, when the airport called him one morning, saying that his son was there, requesting to be picked up by his Papa. As any concerned parent would do, he began to panic, dropping everything he was doing and immediately raced off to the airport to retrieve his son.  
  
            When he got there, his first reaction was _ going _to be something along the lines of “WHAT ON_ EARTH _WERE YOU THINKING?!”. Up until he finally saw Baeden waiting in the luggage area with his one little suitcase and his backpack, beginning to tear up at the sight of his Papa. Baeden ran into his arms, sobbing, claiming over and over that Mama was a bad person, and he never wanted to see Mama ever again. Immediately much too concerned for his son to argue, he let him cry out his frustration and sadness, then got him all buckled up into the car, and started heading home._

_Baeden began explaining things that made Gold sick to his stomach, like that Milah’s new husband had kept telling Baeden that his Papa didn’t care about him like he did, and to not call that ‘horrible man’ any more, ultimately stopping Bae in every way that he could from calling Gold on the phone. This had been happening since Bae was five, with poor Bae admitting that all the phone calls he had made to his_ real _Papa were in secret, while Milah’s new husband was at work, or out with his friends. Milah and her new husband had also started getting into horrible fights the previous year, which, clearly hadn’t gotten any better since they were happening more frequently, louder, and_ worse _this year, to the point where poor Bae would take to sleeping in a tree house Milah had custom-made for him in their backyard to escape their scary sounding arguments. Milah had also taken to drinking heavily this year while her new husband was away, even if Baeden was home to see it, with her throwing plates and things across the room just to hear the noise of something breaking by her own hand.  
  
            Worse yet, sweet Baeden had been given a generous amount of money (generous for buying a seven-year-old something anyways) from Milah to buy whatever kind of birthday present he wanted on the day after his marvelous birthday party she threw him, despite him already receiving more presents than he could ever want on his birthday. He ended up saving the money for quite some time, wanting instead to buy something really special for his Papa’s birthday this year since Papa always gave him and others he cared about so much, and asked for so little in return.  
  
            On a day when Milah had been too drunk to notice, Bae went out on his own, heading to a shopping center that was just a short walking distance from his Mama’s house. He went past shop after shop, not finding anything he thought Papa would like, and just as he was about to give up, he stumbled upon a small pawnshop, owned by an elderly man who smiled at Bae’s presence, despite the fact that the boy was alone and had no parents with him. Bae looked around at all the shiny objects in the shop in awe, until he found the pocket watch.  
  
            It was _ perfect _, and something inside told him that his Papa would adore this gift. The elderly man watched Bae look upon the pocket watch with curiosity, but once he had found out what this sweet little boy’s intentions were when Bae asked for the price, it absolutely melted his heart. He marked the price down much too low, considering what the watch was actually worth, but he felt that this little boy was destined to have the watch, and playfully haggled with young Baeden until a deal was struck, and Bae walked out of the store, waving goodbye to the kind, elderly man as he left._

_He excitedly showed it to his Mama when he got home, so proud that he had found this beautiful, special gift for his Papa, only for the drunken Milah to pluck the pocket watch from Bae’s hands and throw it across the room until it hit the wall opposite them slurring something along the lines of ‘take_ that _, Gold!’ before practically laughing manically. Poor Bae ran to where the pocket watch now lay on the ground broken, possibly even beyond repair, gathering up the pieces and putting them all in a bag for safe keeping, before dashing off to his room, sobbing.  
  
            It had taken him quite a bit of time, but the smart little boy formed a plan to escape Milah and her strange, mean husband. One day when, yet again, Milah was practically too drunk to care about what her own son did with his time, he sneakily packed his things, stole one of Milah’s credit cards, and took off out the door. He withdrew a _ lot _of cash money from an ATM with the stolen card, buying a little pay-as-you-go phone and a pre-paid minutes card at a convenience store near by with which to call himself a taxi. He then got to the airport, paid the nice taxi man for his service (along with a nice tip, being the kind boy that he was), and paid for a one-way ticket home to his Papa. Oh, and some yummy snacks he could take on the plane of course._

_The poor airport staff had been quite skeptical of the little seven year old traveling by himself, but Bae, being the incredibly clever boy that he was, somehow convincing them that he had his parents’ permission let him do this, and everything they needed to hear, practically smooth-talking his way through the whole process. By the time Bae was finished telling his story, he was in tears all over again, feeling guilty about what he did since he knew stealing and lying to people was wrong, even though he did it all to get away from a dangerous situation, not wanting to put himself or his real Papa in danger somehow._

_Not too long after that, they were finally home and pulling into the garage. Gold was much too furious at Milah and her husband for their horrendous parenting to be even the slightest bit angry with Bae, despite the bad things he did. They got out of the car in near silence, heading to the trunk to retrieve his little suitcase. Then, right as he was about to talk to him again, he was stunned to see Bae holding out a little brown bag in front of him, gesturing for his Papa to take it as tears still silently fell down his face, shakily telling him ‘Happy Birthday’. Tears began welling up in his eyes as he gratefully took the bag from Bae, only to have tears immediately start spilling as he looked into the bag and saw the pieces of the broken pocket watch. It really_ was _one of the most beautiful things Gold had ever seen, not just because of the physical looks of the watch itself, but because it was a gleaming token of a son’s pure love for his Papa. No words were needed as Gold kneeled down and hugged sweet Bae in his arms as they both cried, happy to be in each other’s arms again._  
  
            _Later that night, far after Bae had happily fallen asleep in Papa’s bed with a belly full of his favorite pizza, and Transformers ‘rolling out’ into action in his dreams, Gold was in his office, still staring at the pieces of the broken pocket watch he set out on his desk. While Bae had been away this year, Gold had begrudgingly started going to some sessions with a psychologist to work out his anger over Milah leaving him, and just to get his life together a bit._

 _After much deliberation, the nice psychologist had told him one day that he should pursue a new hobby, hopefully taking his mind off of Milah, and applying that energy to something ‘creative’ and ‘productive’ instead. He had taken to the Internet, researching how to fix watches and, by extension, pocket watches, and found that it actually interested him quite a bit. All of the intricate, moving parts were fascinating to learn about, leading him to researching a_ ton _of different things to fix, including antique chairs and all kinds of marvelous things, with this newfound interest making him determined to fix the precious pocket watch._

_It took him a_ ton _of research, and about five days time, but on that fifth day, upon hearing that little clock tick again for the first time, it felt as if Gold’s heart ‘ticked’ for the first time in forever as well… He had found his true passion in life. His son didn’t just give him a beautiful birthday present; he gave him the courage to completely turn his, and his son’s, life around. He ran out of his office, grabbing Bae and playfully swinging him around in the air before showing him the pocket watch all fixed up. Bae was amazed, and claimed he had the best, smartest Papa in the whole world, making Gold’s heart swell up ten sizes at least, if not more._

_He began fixing things for other people to start, using the money he made from those endeavors to save for the best lawyer he could get to fight for sole custody over Bae. During that time, he spent a lot of time trying to overcome his inner demons; including getting a better grip on the anxiety that plagued him, eventually becoming the ‘big scary landlord’ in the town by using the money he had saved from his other past jobs to buy up a lot of property in Storybooke. After many weeks of deliberation, the court ruled in his favor, making him the happiest man alive.  
  
            Even over twenty years, a heavily injured foot caused by a _ very _angry tenant, and Bae leaving for college later, he still kept the precious pocket watch with him like a lucky charm to help him remember that he_ wasn’t _worthless, his life_ wasn’t _meaningless, and he could do absolutely anything he set his mind to._

  
            As Gold finished his story, he was actually quite shocked at himself. The only person he had _ever_ told this story to was the psychologist, and he hadn’t even delved into as much detail as he did with her just now. He guessed it had something to do with the fact that she seemed incredibly easy to talk to for whatever reason… Funny, he had anxiety around Milah something awful despite the fact he fancied her way back when, and yet, he had virtually no problem talking to Lacey once he got into a subject that was more familiar to him… By the time Gold had finished his tale, he and Lacey had somehow ended up in the back part of his store, sitting on comfy chairs and drinking tea.  
  
            When he shakily finished his tale, Lacey put a hand over her mouth, trying _so_ incredibly hard to hold back tears that threatened to fall. This man’s devotion to his son was one of the most moving things she’d ever heard of in years and she was absolutely touched. She found herself not really knowing what to say, since, really, what do you even _say_ in response to a story like that?  
  
            She put her other hand on top of one of his in comfort, similarly to what she had done before, but this time placing the pocket watch in his hand.

 

            “That’s _so_ amazing… I’d be willing to bet people around town would be pretty interested to hear about this… Who knows, some of them might even come to admire you a bit like I now do.” she said, giving him a genuine, bright smile.  
  
            Gold could feel the redness returning to his face at the sweet compliment, removing his hand from hers as he traced some of the pocket watch’s exterior designs with one of his fingers.  
  
            “Yes, well, I _do_ have a reputation to uphold…” he said solemnly.  
  
            “…I don’t suppose that same reputation is why you and this Zelena Greene character want me to take my cute little garden gnomes out of my front yard, now do you?”  
  
            Gold’s face paled. For _fuck’s_ sake! He had told her to keep his complaint _anonymous_! How _dare_ she go against his wishes! …But what was he supposed to do now? All it took to get Lacey closer to him was just, you know, half-accidently _pouring his bloody heart out_ to her… If he screwed this up now, how could he ever expect her to willingly approach him ever again? Really, what the hell was he supposed to say?  
  
            _“Gee, Lacey, it’s just that seeing some gnomes that freakishly resemble the two of us having sex in your front yard, along with those..._ other _ones causes me to fantasize about having your incredibly sexy body writhing underneath me until you scream with pleasure more times than you can count.”_

 

            Yeah, cause _clearly THAT_ would go over _really_ well, and not cause her to run away screaming from the incredibly perverted man she happened to be sitting really close to right now! Well, shit. He sighed to himself, coming to pretty much the only conclusion that seemed good enough, that would _hopefully_ ease her mind, and maybe let him keep some of his dignity in the process…  
  
            “There _are_ rules in the HOA, Ms. French… I’m… _sorry_ that my name was used in the letter that I’m sure you received since I specifically requested for my name _not_ be used since I personally did not wish to hurt your feelings; however, there _are_ children in the neighborhood, and it would be rather… _unsightly_ for those _things_ to stay in your front yard.” he said, gritting his teeth a bit.  
  
            First off, she _still_ hadn’t seen any children in the neighborhood she lived in. Despite not having introduced herself to neighbors yet (to be fair, she wanted her house to be in _much_ better shape before potentially inviting people over for tea and cookies and such…), she _was_ keeping a decent eye out for what kinds of people happened to be living around her and across from her, and on top of that, she hadn’t seen a single school bus drive in or even _near_ their neighborhood even once. This _was_ still part of the school year for children, so shouldn’t she have seen or heard at least _something_ relating to a bus going by in the mornings and afternoons if there were children even remotely near her?

 

            Did these people somehow think that something _different_ in somebody’s front yard would lower property values or something? For crying out loud, she had _done_ her research. The property values in the neighborhood she lived in within Storybrooke had _barely_ gone down _ever_. In fact, a good portion of them went _up_ over the course of time. Granted, it was a bit of a slow climb, but _up_ nonetheless! What harm could just _decorations_ in front of her one little house do? Although, something else he said jumped out at her much more than the other sentences…  
  
            “Ummm, excuse _me_ , Mr. Gold, but those ‘ _things_ ’ are _my_ garden gnomes, and furthermore, they’re certainly not _unsightly_ , they’re adorable and _supposed_ to be humorous! For goodness sake, _why_ do you both keep insisting there are children in our neighborhood when there’s actually none? Yes, I checked. Is that the _only_ ‘suitable’ reason you all can think of to have me remove them, besides the fact you all have no sense of humor?” she said, starting to get a bit agitated.  
  
            To be fair, Lacey had more-or-less skimmed the HOA agreement before moving in, expecting pretty much all the same general things that her parents’ house’s HOA (which she _had_ read thoroughly when she had to sell it, by the way) contained. The _last_ thing she would possibly expect was an HOA where you had to submit a claim or something or other just to have decorations out on _your_ lawn…  
  
            “If you’ll excuse me, Mr. Gold, I have to get back to my _adorable_ garden gnomes before it gets completely dark, and I need a good night’s rest since I start work tomorrow. Good _day_ to you!” she said, promptly getting up out of her chair and walking out the front door of his pawnshop.

 

            As she walked down the street, as if on cue, her phone made the little ‘ding’ noise that told her she had an email.  
  
            _April 9 th, 2015_

           

            Oh Lord, here we go…  
  
           

_Dear Ms. French,_

_Mr. Gold has informed me that there are now five garden gnomes on your front lawn… has your lawn perhaps become a gnome breeding ground somehow?..._

 

            Ha! Even the HOA president was somehow finding the humor in this! _Finally_! Blah, blah, blah… something about viewing a certain rule in a chapter of the HOA Guidelines that she’d already seen… blah blah blah….  
  
             ... _You have four days until you are fined. Please address this issue ASAP._

_Thanks!_

_Sincerely,  
            Zelena Greene, HOA President_

 

            …Well, she _did_ have _four_ _days_ until she was fined, and frankly, she was going to make these people all see the humor happening here if it killed her. If nothing else, at least she got that climax (and not _that_ kind of climax, dear readers) she was looking out for! Even better, she could practically hear a familiar sounding little voice in her head cheering her on and telling her to ‘go kick some ass’, while another sighed apprehensively, clearly not liking where this train of thought could be going…

 

*********

 

            Later, when Lacey finally got home after chatting it up with Ruby at Granny’s over a burger and fries, and was settling into bed, she heard a bit of a muffled noise coming from one of her walls. What could be making _so_ much noise that it was reverberating clear through her wall from _outside_?  
  
            She pondered this as she threw on a robe, and snuck towards one of her windows, opening it up ever so slightly. It took every ounce of will power she had, and one of her hands covering her mouth, to not absolutely burst out laughing:  
  
            It wasn’t incredibly loud, in fact, she was actually quite shocked she could even hear it from her bedroom through the wall in the first place, but she was still rather glad she did. Mr. Gold could be heard from _somewhere_ in his house, clearly chewing out Zelena since she heard the HOA President’s name briefly along with the words ‘moron’, ‘incompetent’, and ‘anonymous’ over the course of about two or three minutes. Even better, he started using some _very_ colorful language to describe his displeasure, which Lacey fucking _loved_. She heard his brogue thickening with every sentence, to the point where some of his words didn’t even sound like English. In fact… could that maybe be _Yiddish_? _Oh_ , she was in trouble…  
  
            She bit her lip as she listened to the slightly muffled words she could make out in the dark of the night. She could feel her cheeks heating up and an ache developing between her legs as she began to imagine _other_ reasons he’d start using those words….

            Well, shit, she definitely wasn’t going to sleep _now_ … not yet, anyways. At least she had her good friend Bob to help her out…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...oops?
> 
> ...Also, it would seem there were quite a few climaxes actually, but the one you think was THE climax, was the wrong climax, Lacey. *facepalm* Ya silly goose, you lol
> 
> More like 'I love how the exact answer Gold thinks was the WRONG thing to say to her since he views it as 'highly inappropriate' or some shit would've most likely gotten him laid, like, RIGHT THERE in the back of his shop cause it's LACEY' XDD
> 
> Next time, Regina joins in the stupidity in "Gnome-body Knows the Trouble I've Seen"!


	7. Gnome-body Knows The Trouble I've Seen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy GOD this took longer to edit, etc. than I thought it was going to...
> 
> I would've had it done much earlier today (like, in the MORNING in my time), but then brain was like HEY. HEY YOU. I THOUGHT OF A THING. FUCKIN WRITE IT. So I did, and once I got started, i practically COULDN'T. FUCKING. STOP. o_O  
> So far that thing's just a draft (as of 8/12), but I think y'all will be VERY pleased with what I have in store...

           The next morning, Mayor Regina Mills stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror as she threw on a loose, white blouse, before sighing to herself, pinching the bridge of her nose with annoyance. She knew that in a town this size, there was bound to be gossip that would float around, but the latest bit of gossip floating around this time was absolutely _ridiculous_.  
  
            First off, Gold had sold one of his properties in _his_ neighborhood to a girl named Lacey French, whose presence seemed to be causing quite the stir around town. Normally, she wouldn’t really care since these people had a cow over damn near _any_ new face in the town… Hell, last time this kind of thing happened, it was because their grocery store’s _delivery truck driver_ changed! He didn’t even _live_ in Storybrooke! How desperate were these people to have something to talk about? Then again, Ms. French seemed to be latching onto Jefferson and Ruby, two _other_ citizens that the town just _loved_ to gossip about, and on top of that, she had been seen going into Gold’s Pawnshop one day and staying in there for a _really_ long time, so she supposed that made it at least _somewhat_ interesting. Plus, _nothing_ happened in that town without her finding out about it _eventually_ …  
  
            The second half of the rumor, not to mention a recent phone call she received, was what made her _really_ want to investigate this ‘Lacey French’… Apparently, Ms. French had been acquiring some… _interesting_ lawn decorations that were causing people to talk, and, according to a crying, hysterical-sounding Zelena Greene, Ms. French not only was refusing to take them out of her yard, but kept adding _more_ of them to her collection.  
  
            Some of the braver townsfolk had even taken to journeying up to her house just to get a look at these decorations, with some of them laughing hysterically upon viewing, while others apparently got incredibly embarrassed, getting away from the property as quickly as possible. It had escalated to the point where she just _had_ to know what the hell was going on here… Zelena hadn’t been much help, especially since the HOA President refused to show up for work that day… _God_ , that woman was far too emotional for her own good…  
  
            Thankfully, she did have an excuse to step outside of her office that day since her 13-year-old son Henry had asked for a ride to school today, ‘if it wasn’t too much trouble’, claiming he ‘didn’t much feel like walking to school’ that day… for whatever reason. She agreed without hesitation, figuring this was the perfect opportunity to drive by Ms. French’s place and see what all the fuss was about.  
  
            As soon as Henry was in the car ready to go, Regina immediately went in the direction of Lacey’s house. She had desperately hoped that the rumor mill hadn’t gotten anywhere near her son’s school, or God forbid, the _younger_ children in the elementary school, since, not having seen what could possibly be in Ms. French’s front yard, it could _very_ easily be something inappropriate for children… If there was even anything actually _on_ Ms. French’s front yard, that is…  
  
            “Hey, Mom, are you going to see Ms. French’s house? I heard it’s in this direction, and there’s apparently something really awesome in her front yard! Can we go there?” he asked hopefully.

 

            … _Goddamnit_. She had _really_ hoped that this wasn’t going to happen, but she supposed there was nothing she could really do about it now… Actually, in reality, she _could_ just turn the car around, but that would most likely only make Henry more suspicious of what she was up to, and Lord knows she didn’t need the boy potentially getting into trouble because of something she did…  
  
            “Actually, yes we are, Henry, but I must insist you keep whatever we see to _yourself_ , or you’ll be in big trouble, young man, am I clear?” she said sternly.

 

            “Yes, mom…” Henry sighed.

 

            He loved his mom, but really, he felt she needed to ‘cut loose’ a little sometimes… She didn’t do that often enough, and he _really_ hoped it wasn’t all because of him.  
  
            Finally, Regina pulled up to Lacey’s house, with her and Henry’s jaws dropping instantly, one with complete and total horror, and the other with shock and humor.   
  
            There were _twelve_ gnomes outside Ms. French’s house, all in a bunch of different sexual positions, and, even worse, they were all facing Mr. Gold’s house as if they _wanted_ him to watch them… _doing it_ , as it were…  
  
            “Henry, cover your eyes!” Regina snapped at him over her son’s sudden laughter.

 

            “But this is _hilarious_! _God_ , this is even better than I thought it would be!” Henry said as he practically began crying from laughing so hard.

 

            …This really _was_ serious. For God’s sake, there were _children_ that could see this! Well, _her_ child could be around to see this, _and just did_ … Who really knew if there even _were_ children in this neighborhood, but she just knew that the innocent children _could_ damn well find their way here somehow, and most likely be scared for life at what they saw, and-

 

            “Mom, seriously, this is _amazing_! How do you not find this _funny_? I think that’s the exact _point_ of all this!” he said; wiping tears from his eyes as his laughter finally subsided.

 

            “I…it’s... it’s complicated, Henry, you’ll understand when you’re older, and that’s enough for one day, lets get you to school…” She said quickly before zooming away from the house.

 

            “ _Damnit, Jefferson, you’re gonna get it this time…”_ she thought to herself.  
  
*******  
  
            After dropping off Henry at school, Regina had b-lined her way to The Golden Afternoon, parking [like a jackass] right at the front of the store.  
  
            “JEFFERSON! I KNOW YOU’RE IN HERE SOMEWHERE!” she yelled as she threw the front door of the store open with a _BANG_.  
  
            Sure enough, Jefferson heard the commotion coming from the front, as he happened to be working on painting a new garden gnome he had thought of thanks to a suggestion from Lacey. He crept up to the door of his back room where he kept a bunch of the gnomes, exiting the room and very quietly shutting the door before crawling on all fours to a different section of his store so she wouldn’t see where he had just come from.

 

            “No need to shout, silly, I’m right here!” he said as he sneakily revealed himself behind her, making Regina nearly jump out of her skin.  
  
            “Look, you _mad man_ , I _tried_ to let you off with a ‘warning’ before, but _clearly_ you didn’t listen to me, so now you’ll be paying the price!” she said.   
  
            Jefferson gasped.  
  
            “But they’re my _babies_!” he said.  
  
            “I don’t _care_! They’re causing a disturbance!” she argued back. “So help me, Jefferson, if you don’t stop making these disgusting _creatures_ and remove them from your store in 24 hours, starting _now_ , I will have them forcefully removed and _destroyed myself_ , and I will shut you down and drag _The House of Cards_ down with it!” she threatened.  
  
            Jefferson’s smile disappeared entirely upon hearing this threat. “You wouldn’t _dare_ …” he said, his voice growing deeper with anger.  
  
            “Oh, but I _would_ , and I _will_ if you don’t do what I say! Have a _golden_ afternoon!” she snarked as she marched toward and out the door.   
  
            “…You know _this_ means _war_!” he cried out, giving a pretty spot-on Daffy Duck impersonation as she stormed out of his store.  
  
********  
  
            Lacey cut another piece of pancake out of her short stack, and put the bite in her mouth, half moaning at the superb taste. Between Granny’s cheeseburgers and, now, these _insanely_ delicious pancakes, she was going to get _so_ fat… Then again, guys liked women with ‘meat on their bones’, didn’t they? Maybe she should eat more pancakes…

 

            “Hey girl, you haven’t seen Jefferson around yet today, have you?” Ruby asked her as she dropped off a refill of Lacey’s orange juice.  
  
            “These pancakes are better than _sex_ , oh my _God_!” Lacey said a bit too loudly before stuffing her face with another bite, making some of the men in the restaurant glance her way.  
  
            Thankfully, Lacey was actually in office attire today since she had to be at work in about an hour, or else she would’ve _really_ been in trouble…  
  
            “I’m _serious_ Lacey,” Ruby said sternly. “Jeffy comes in here the _minute_ we open every day without fail to grab a coffee from Granny before heading to The Golden Afternoon, or, occasionally, The Rabbit Hole or the House of Cards, and he not only didn’t come in when we opened, but it’s now almost 9am, and he’s _still_ not here… I’m getting concerned… I’d call him myself, but we’re about to get _super_ slammed, and Granny would be mad if I bailed on her for the morning rush…” she said with a worried look on her face.  
  
            “Look, Ruby,” she said, swallowing her bite of pancake. “I _do_ have to go to work today, but, I’ll tell you what. I’ll drive by The Golden Afternoon and see if he’s there, or, worst case scenario, I’ll text him or something and see what’s up as soon as I can.” She said.

 

            “Oh, _thank you_ , Lacey!” she said, leaning down and giving her a peck on the cheek. “I’ll be sure to save you the absolute _best_ piece of German Chocolate cake for when you get back from work!” she giggled before skipping away to take other orders.  
  
            As soon as Lacey’s brain was functioning again, she finished up her pancakes, left a _very_ nice tip and rushed out the door. She might have to cut back on Granny’s delicious food for a while after today, or it really _was_ going to make her fat…  
  
****** 

            Hours earlier, she had checked The Golden Afternoon, with no sign of Jefferson to be found, along with his delivery truck missing. She figured that maybe Ruby could be overreacting a little bit, and Jefferson was just out delivering something, but she texted him anyways just to check on him, texting Ruby in turn to let her know she checked on him for her. She _still_ hadn’t received a text back from Jefferson though… maybe he was just _super_ busy today?  
  
            She sighed as she sat in her tiny office cubicle. _God_ this job was already horrendous… Half the reason she even took the job was because of the very generous pay (and benefits!) she received from it. Plus, the owner thought she had _very_ high qualifications and could do the job quite well… His _dick_ would’ve definitely seconded that notion…

 

            Her smart mouth and quick tongue had landed her jobs many times before this one, but this was the first time she had used her best assets for _that_ kind of purpose to get a job, and, honestly, it made her sick to think about. She had been desperate at the time, not wanting to be stuck crashing on people’s couches for God knows how long just so she wouldn’t be forced to keep living with Gaston while she looked for a different place to live and a different job that was as far away from him as possible, but it still sucked (no pun intended).  
  
            Lacey was brought out of her reverie when her phone dinged. She quickly woke the screen up, hoping to see a reply from Jefferson, but unfortunately it wasn’t. It was an email. She sighed, opening it up to see what it was.   
  
            _April 10 th, 2015_

 

_Dear Ms. French,  
  
            I drove by your house this morning on the way to drop my son off at school and saw your lawn. There are easily a dozen of your _ interesting _decorations in your yard, all facing Mr. Gold’s house. What exactly are you playing at, here?_

 

            Blah, blah, blah… something about the ‘innocence of our children’, blah, blah, something about violating a rule in the HOA guidelines (probably the same one Zelena wrote about before), blah, blah…  
  
_Ms. French, you have three days left to remove the gnomes from your yard or you will be fined._  
            

_Regards,_

_Regina Mills, Storybrooke Mayor_  
  
           

            Wait, the _mayor_ was in on this nonsense now? What the hell!

            First off, she didn’t even have a kid, and she still knew damn well that the school was in the _complete_ opposite direction of her house from the mayor’s office, meaning that Regina _purposefully_ went in the direction of her house just to see the gnomes in front of her house and bitch at her about them. Hell, she saw citizens of the town bravely approach the front of her house, assumingly to see her lawn gnomes, with most of them bursting out laughing at how absolutely ridiculous this situation was. _This_ she appreciated, since, frankly, it _was_ ridiculous, and it was _supposed_ to be funny to behold, but _this_ particular visit to her house was even more ridiculous than the number of gnomes that were now in her front yard, which, frankly, was _really_ saying something…  
  
            “That _BITCH_!” she said a bit louder than she probably should have, making other people around her glance over at her with curiosity. Her face began to turn red as she waved at them a bit nervously, then slowly sunk down in her seat _really_ low until she couldn’t be seen anymore.   
  
            Fuck _all_ these people. They wanted childhood-wrecking, property value-decreasing, ' _unsightly'_  gnomes? They’d _get_ some more childhood-wrecking, property value-decreasing, ' _unsightly'_  gnomes!  
  
********

            Much later, she _finally_ got home after a long day of work, yawning a bit before kicking her shoes off once she entered the house. After she took a shower, threw a casserole in the oven, ate her dinner (and her practically _orgasmic_ promised piece of German Chocolate Cake from Ruby), and had drunk down a couple beers, she heard a knock on her door. She glanced at the clock: 9pm on the dot. She sighed, getting up from where she sat at her little table, approached the door, looked through the little peephole and gasped before throwing the door open.  
  
            “ _Jefferson!_ Where have you _been_ all day?! Me and Ruby have been worried _SICK_ about you, and-”  
  
            She immediately stopped talking when she saw the puffiness and redness in his eyes, like he had been crying not all that long ago. He was ringing his hat in his hands guiltily as he looked at Lacey sadly.

 

            “…May I come in?” he asked rather quietly.

 

            “Ummm… yeah, sure…” she said, letting him walk in.  
  
            After she closed the door behind her, she turned back to face him, getting even more concerned for her normally overly enthusiastic friend. He sat down in the chair opposite to where Lacey had been sitting, setting his hat down beside him on the table.

 

            “I like your outfit by the way…” he said with a small smile forming on his lips.  
  
            Lacey looked down, wondering what he could be talking abo-  
  
            “OH MY _GOD_!” Lacey squeaked in horror, desperately pulling her shirt down as low as it could go without embarrassing herself further.  
  
            In her concern for Jefferson, she had _completely_ forgotten that she currently wore nothing but a shirt and (thank God) a pair of panties. No _bra_ , even. Her face flamed with embarrassment, looking away from him. She felt incredibly stupid knowing that she most likely half flashed the neighbors across the street, and a guy who she _wanted_ to keep being her friend, but after _that_ stunt? … _God_ , she was hopeless…  
  
            Jefferson let out a light chuckle.  
  
            “Really, Lace, it’s totally _fine_ … I’ve been around the block before, and Lord knows my dear Alice has shown me things I didn’t even think I _wanted_ to know about… Honestly, you could be walking around your house _naked_ for all I care, it really doesn’t bother me…” he said.  
  
            Poor Lacey’s face was still beet red with embarrassment as she slowly stood up fully, letting her shirt fall back to its ‘natural’ position with her panties showing. If the shock she felt weren’t so immense, she’d probably be crying right now, thanking God that, after _all_ these years of searching, she _finally_ found a friend who _really_ understood her and was totally fine with who she was a person, flaws and all, and despite the fact that he came to _her_ seemingly because there was something wrong and he was not quite himself, he _still_ managed to make her feel awesome in every way. She couldn’t have crafted a better friend herself, even if she went straight to the man upstairs and gave him blueprints with everything she wanted in the perfect friend on them.  
  
            “…Would you like some casserole? It’s most likely not _quite_ as warm as it was, but I can fix that in a jiffy, and I also have tea, or I can make some hot chocolate if you’d like… Had I known you were coming, I would’ve baked some of those chocolate chip cookies you love so much…” she smiled sweetly, hoping to lighten the mood a little.  
  
            There really _must_ have been something wrong since his speech pattern was normally faster, louder and more dramatic, similar to the way he moved through his days, versus now he was physically slower paced, with his voice at a lower, more ‘normal’ tone.  
  
            “I’d love some, actually, thank you. I really am quite hungry after hustling about all day… and I’ll gladly take some hot chocolate… Chocolate _anything_ sounds absolutely _divine_ right now…” he said.  
  
            She brought him some casserole and started making him some hot chocolate as she asked him what happened to make him so sad. He recounted Regina’s threats towards him, explaining that he’d been transporting all his ceramic children to safe havens that mostly included the condo he and Alice lived in together, a chunk of Ruby’s room, and his delivery van.  
  
            “Lacey, I _really_ need your help… you’re one of the only people who _truly_ appreciates my art, and I don’t know who else to turn to who I haven’t already asked…” he began. “I don’t think I told you about this yet, but my darling wife Alice owns both The Rabbit Hole _and_ The House of Cards… Regina can threaten _me_ all she wants, but bringing Alice into this is going a step too far…” he said angrily.  
  
            “What _is_ The House of Cards, anyways? I’ve vaguely heard about it from other people in this town, but what does that place _do_?” Lacey asked.  
  
            “Truth be told, Alice had been dreaming of opening up her own tattoo parlor for _years_. She’s an absolutely _brilliant_ artist… We saved money from our separate jobs for years in order to purchase the space where The House of Cards now resides. She was able to promote one of her workers in The Rabbit Hole to manager, and run the business from a distance as a CEO, while she mainly worked in The House of Cards. If Regina could only see how much Alice loves her business and her clients, she’d know that Alice would be absolutely heartbroken if she lost it…” he said.  
  
            “Not gonna lie, Jeff, I think that’s the _point_ of that threat, but don’t you worry, I’d _love_ to help you out… what do I need to do?” she asked.  
  
            Jefferson’s eyes began to water with tears again.  
  
            “Thank you _so_ much, Lacey, you’re a _great_ friend.” He said, gently grasping one of her hands.  
  
            “I have a _bunch_ of my precious babies in the van right now, but honestly, there’s even _more_ of them than that! Ruby took in as many of them as she could, and with our guestroom being turned into a nursery, we don’t have a whole ton of room to hold a bunch of my gnomes, so…” he said, trailing off a bit.

 

            “First off, oh my _God!_ Congratulations! We _totally_ need to throw a party for you two later! Second, just _how_ many gnomes do you have exactly?” she asked.  
  
            “Well…” Jefferson trailed off nervously. “Throw on a pair of pants and I’ll show you…” he said, standing up from his place at the table.

 

            The two of them walked outside to where Jefferson parked his delivery van in front of her house, and he unlocked the back, opening up the doors to reveal-

 

            Lacey’s mouth dropped open stupidly and her eyes almost bugged out of her head. She had to give Jefferson credit, he sure as hell knew how to pack things in close together _really_ well… Even more so, seemingly none of them had broken or gotten damaged so far either which was a miracle in itself. There were gnomes in essentially every nook and cranny, from the bottom of the van all the way to the top, to where she half expected a large pile of them to fall on top of her if she removed even one, like knocking over Jenga blocks on accident.

  
            “…and you have _more_ than _this_?” she asked him, stunned.

 

            “Yeah… Trust me, I’ve gotten the lecture from Alice many a time about the quantity I keep in stock, but hey, I keep a lot of customers happy.” He said with a smile, perking up a bit more.  
  
            “No offense or anything, but I thought you said that your customer base was mainly here in Storybrooke, and that not many people were buying them, so…?” she asked.  
  
            “Ah, but you forget that I also sell them online!” he said. “Unfortunately, this was mostly bad timing, since one of my retail clients ordered about 30 of them recently, and I _just_ finished them a bit before Regina stormed in insisting that I ‘remove my merchandise’ and whatnot, but even putting that order aside, there’s quite the chunk of them left to hide from Regina…” he said.

 

            “Funny you should say that, Jeff, since I actually need some more gnomes to go in my front yard again…” she said slyly.

 

            “…Why do I get the feeling you’re now doing this to piss off Regina rather than just wanting a bunch of decorations in your front lawn?” he asked.

 

            “Because that’s _exactly_ why I’m doing it now!” Lacey said proudly, trying not to be too loud. “…well, that, and one other reason, but, you know…” she trailed off, searching the pile of gnomes for one she could safely remove without sending the rest of them careening out of the van and towards the street.  
  
            “If you’re now doing this to piss off Regina and Zelena, I LOVE this plan! No purchase necessary!” he said enthusiastically, taking one of the gnomes out of the van and placing it in her open arms.  
  
            “Great, thanks so much!” she said happily. “I’d actually also _love_ some recommendations for which ones I should put out front next, too… I think this time, the more phallic, the _better_.” She smirked.  
  
            “Oh, there are ones even just in _this_ batch of them alone that’d be _perfect_ for your needs!” he said, smirking right back at her.  
  
            He grabbed a couple, then started heading to Lacey’s front door again.

 

            _“I’ll bet these will drive_ Gold _up the wall, too…”_ he muttered under his breath with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...SURPRISE! JEFFERSON'S MARRIED!  
> ....AND THEY'RE KINKY AF! (#i'm garbage)
> 
> (*and just as an FYI, i'd like to clarify that, just in case it wasn't obvious, this Alice is DEFINITELY not a minor or anything in this AU, and is actually closer to Jefferson's age... Surprisingly still haven't watched Once Upon A Time in Wonderland, so honestly I have NO clue what that canon Alice is actually like XD) 
> 
> ...and that 'thing' i mentioned earlier has something to do with those two :awesomeface:
> 
> Hoping to at least get a pretty good chunk of the next chapter done before Sunday since I have work, like, ALL DAY Sunday, plus I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for, like, what, a WEEK now easily?? XD 
> 
> I'd give ya the chapter title, but the damn thing practically gives away what it's about/what could happen :awesomeface:


	8. Gnome-asutra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> .....This is literally just gratuitous smut.  
>  I'm not even sorry.  
> :pervyface:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE thanks for NevermoreBlack of Ao3 for the title!!  
> I had read this title suggestion when I was writing chapter 3 of this fic and was pretty much like 'OH MY GOD. *envisions like half of a new chapter's events literally within about 2 minutes of seeing the chapter name*' XD
> 
> One of the first thoughts that had occurred to me when the gnomes went from being PLACED in sexual positions as per the original letters to them being created to be in sexual positions from the get-go, was that a lot of them could be based off the Kamasutra (mainly so it was [in multiple ways] a better visual to make it a touch more realistic despite the ridiculousness of this concept), explaining why Jefferson could create SO many unique gnomes, and I had wanted to include that little tidbit somehow but hadn't thought of a way to get it in there until this chapter popped into my head.
> 
> DEFINITELY NSFW in case the name of this chapter alone didn't make it obvious enough lol
> 
> Enjoy!

            By the time Lacey looked at her clock again, it was nearing 11pm.  
  
            It had taken her and Jefferson quite some time, but they _finally_ packed a bunch of his precious gnomes in Lacey’s guest bedroom, put a TON of them in her detached garage, and obviously put some more of them in her front yard, all facing Mr. Gold’s house, yet again. Jefferson had chosen not to ask why they were facing that way, especially since he had a sneaking suspicion he _knew_ why, but he’d imposed on, if not _embarrassed_ , poor Lacey enough for one night. They said their goodbyes, with them wishing each other a good night and happy dreams as Jefferson left.  
  
            Not long after he had left, Lacey’s brain starting churning despite the fact it was so late. While she and Jefferson had been unloading the gnomes, she had asked him what inspired him to start making these gnomes in the first place. She remembered he had told her that they ‘came to him in a dream’, but had that really been the _only_ inspiration? There were practically too many of these gnomes for their inspiration to be drawn from just _one_ single dream, right?  
  
            Jefferson had laughed pleasantly at her thoughts on the matter, telling her that while, yes, inspiration for a lot of them _did_ come from a dream he had one night, but there were others that had been inspired by his dear wife Alice giving him ideas, but most importantly, _The Kamasutra_. Honestly, she almost felt stupid for not coming to this conclusion herself. Of _course_ a bunch of his ‘sexy gnome children’, or whatever, were inspired by what was basically a _sex bible_! It all made so much sense now!  
  
            That had gotten her back in her pajamas (pant-less of course), laptop switched on, and warm and comfy underneath the blankets on her bed as she scrolled through articles on Google Incognito (of course) about the Kamasutra.

 

            When she had first seen a good portion of Jefferson’s gnomes, she had known at least what _some_ of the positions being depicted were, between having done some of them with people herself and hearing about others from ‘friends’, but there were quite a few that she wasn’t sure about… Thankfully, Jefferson had written down the names of some of the positions she asked about while he was over to get her started, with him only chuckling and telling her she probably wouldn’t want to hear more about them from a _guy_ , and moreover, a guy that was steadily becoming one of her best friends.  
  
            That had only gotten her more curious, adding fuel to the already raging fire. Some of them were actually kind of sweet, like ‘The Curled Angel’ or ‘The Star’ position, while some of them actually made her laugh with the absurdity of the English-translated names for them, like ‘The Crouching Tiger”. Really, was there going to be a “Hidden Dragon” position in there next? For goodness sake! Even if some of the actual descriptions of the positions made them sound better, some of the names were still an absolute hoot.  
  
            Although, to be fair, the more she dug into this, the more interested she got, and good _God_ was she hooked after a while… No _wonder_ Jefferson took interest in the Kamasutra, it felt like it went on _forever_! Not to mention that some of them were starting to sound more and more appealing upon reading their descriptions as she began to grow warm, and not just from the heat of her laptop or the warmth of the blankets on top of her.  
  
            _The Column…_  
  
            _The Triumph Arch…_  
  
            _The Tominagi…_  
  
            Lacey began breathing as bit quicker as she continued to read, as if afraid she was going to lose her breath if she didn’t. Her laptop began to slide off of her ever so slightly as she very slowly spread her thighs, suddenly feeling incredibly overheated between her legs…           

 

            _The Double Decker…_

            _Bandoleer_ …

            _The Slip…_  
             
            She felt an all too familiar ache as she threw some of the blankets off of her, not being able to stand the intense heat that was enveloping her entire body anymore. All she could do was breathe for a moment as she felt her own arousal building at her core, slowly dripping as if begging to be drunk down like a fine wine…  
  
            _The Plough…_  
  
            The Hinge…  
  
            _The Amazon_ …  
  
            The sudden exposure to the cold air around her made her nipples pebble, even underneath the shirt she wore, but right now, she didn’t care. She practically tore her own shirt off, as well as her now-soaked panties, haphazardly throwing them across the room just because she could.  
  
            What was real and what was in her imagination was beginning to blend when she had started envisioning herself in the illustrations she saw, and even more so when a certain next-door neighbor was becoming the one who was intimately joined with her as she went from image to image. It only got worse when her imagination began conjuring up his voice in her head… She shakily exhaled as she slowly began to massage one of her breasts, taking the nipple between her fingers, while her other hand moved down between her legs…  
  
            _Lacey was in her kitchen cleaning up some dishes from her dinner, when there was a knock on her door. She put down what she was doing and went to answer it, and was actually a bit shocked at whom she saw through the peep-hole: Mr. Gold. Even better, he was looking dapper as usual with a handsome, black three-piece suit on (even_ better _, with that red dress shirt she loved underneath)… She actually felt a bit excited at the thought that Gold had_ finally _worked up the courage to come to her instead of the other way around._  
  
            _She made a spectacle out of opening the door, dramatically pushing it open with one hand, while the other leaned on her cocked hip, with a smirk already on her face while doing so. Thankfully she was wearing one of her more…_ eye-catching _outfits, which was absolutely perfect for showing Gold her best assets._  
  
            “ _Why_ , hello _Mr. Gold, what a pleasant surprise! Would you like to come in?” she asked, batting her eyelashes at him a bit._

_He seemed a bit shocked at first, with his gaze shamelessly raking over her body up and down before he remembered himself, shaking his head a little to provide clarity for his now slightly foggy brain._

_“I…yes, I would, thank you…” he said a touch nervously after clearing his throat._  
  
            _“I apologize, do you mind if I…?” Lacey began, nodding her head towards the rest of the dishes._  
  
_Gold could barely stammer out a ‘yes’ before Lacey went and continued drying off the dishes she had just washed off near the sink._  
  
_“This will only take a moment, I promise. I’m sorry, I just need to finish this really quickly, or else I’ll never-_ oh _!” she gasped._

_Much to her surprise, in the amount of time she was talking, Mr. Gold had walked over to stand next to her, picking up a wet plate and beginning to dry it off with another towel she had near her._  
  
            _“Thank you very much!” she said gratefully, now picking up a knife she needed to dry off._  
  
_“So, anyways, was there something you wanted to- OUCH!” she said suddenly, dropping the knife and shaking her finger a bit after getting a small knick in it._

_Before she could run the very small cut underneath some water; however, Gold sprang into action, gently grasping her hand with both of his until she calmed down, then raised the finger up to his mouth and began to suck on it._

_Lacey’s heart began to beat faster as she started to feel his tongue swirl around her finger as well, making her involuntarily whimper with need at his touch._  
  
_Upon hearing her, Gold actually froze for a moment. With his mouth not leaving her finger, his eyes darted up to meet hers, with one of his eyebrows quirking upwards as he did so. Lacey’s face flushed an even deeper red when their eyes met. He then slowly released her finger from his mouth, gently kissing where the cut had bled, then kissed the inside of her wrist._

_She decided that no more words were needed as she grabbed for his shirt, and pulled him towards her, with their bodies and lips slamming together in an instant. Gold groaned with need; his fingers practically digging into her back as he tried to pull them even closer than they already were. Lacey whimpered a little at his actions, moving her hands to his head, with her fingers intertwining in his hair._

_At this action, Gold’s hands slid down her hips, cupping her buttocks with one hand, with the other sliding down her thigh, lifting her leg upwards towards his hip. With a surprising amount of strength, Gold managed to pick her up and prop her up on the counter before moving his lips down to her neck. His hands never left her as he began inflicting sweet, sweet torture on her supple body._  
  
            _Lacey couldn’t help but whimper as his hands worshipped her torso, massaging her hips, and then raising them to her breasts, which he fondled with need. Lacey had been gripping at his shoulders and back, trying to pull him towards her again, but she stopped once his hands went back down to her hips for the second time. She slowly dragged his hands underneath her already skimpy top while simultaneously pinching the edges of it to pull it over her head. He (somehow) didn’t falter, actually moving with even more urgency now as he dove between her lace-clad breasts, kissing the skin he could access, occasionally leaving little love bites before mouthing her nipples through her bra, making her shudder with want._  
  
            _Lacey was quickly losing her mind because of his touch, and yet somehow still found it in her to take his head in her hands and bring his lips to hers once again before pushing his coat off of him with urgency, leaving him in his gorgeous blood-red dress shirt and black pants. He shifted back down to her chest, but didn’t stay there for long as he began to move lower and lower until he got to the edge of her skirt. He nibbled at her stomach and the sides of her hips before sensuously rubbing her thighs until she spread them apart just enough to give him access to what he wanted._

_Leaning on the counter for support, he bent his head a bit further, going underneath her skirt as he kissed and nibbled at her thighs, making Lacey moan gorgeously and begin to squirm ever so slightly. She grabbed the back of his head, practically impatiently pushing him towards her core with need. He very happily obliged, now mouthing her core through her wet panties, and slowly licking the edges where her panties met her thighs, making her rake her fingers through his hair with a delighted gasp. She was about to pull him towards her harder again, when she felt his teeth grab one of the edges of her panties, tugging and growling playfully until she lifted herself off the counter enough to let him pull them off her completely._

_He supported himself on the counter again as he stood back up at his full height, with her panties still between his teeth, flashing her a devilish grin as he did so. He made damn sure her eyes were entirely focused on the garment before slowly grabbing her panties out of his mouth and putting them in one of his front pants’ pockets, letting one side of her panties promiscuously hang out of them, as if to let the world know whom exactly he had seduced if he stepped out the door at this moment. Lacey felt she could’ve easily come just from that mental image and the thought of someone wanting her_ that _damn much alone_.

_Before she could properly react; however, his head dove under her skirt again, immediately diving for her core like a starving man at a banquet as he firmly gripped her hips to keep her where she was._

_Her moans grew progressively louder, until they were frantic gasps. Her breathing grew faster and faster, making Gold hum against her with pleasure as he continued lapping at her juices. He inserted his fingers into her entrance, scissoring, twisting, curling, and moving in all sorts of other salacious ways before Lacey violently thrashed for a moment, almost falling off the counter as she did so, with her orgasm taking her by force as Gold drank it all down._  
  
            _She could do nothing but giggle embarrassingly for a moment, being at a complete loss for words, until Gold captured her lips, tasting herself on him, which only stoked her fiery need for him yet again._  
  
_When they broke away from each other, mainly for air, Lacey leaned towards his ear and weakly whispered:_

_“_ Table _…”_  
  
            _Gold growled, helping her off the counter as carefully as he could before guiding her to the table they most likely would’ve sat at just to have tea had this not occurred. Frankly, Lacey (and seemingly Gold) vastly preferred this to a cup of tea._  
  
            _Lacey felt the small of her back bump into the edge of her (thankfully rounded) table before Gold spun her around to face away from him. He planted sensual kisses on her neck and shoulders as he finally undid her bra. Unbeknownst to her, Gold had also removed his dress shirt at that point too since the next time he pressed himself against her, she could feel his warm chest against her back, with his hardening nipples occasionally rubbing her shoulder blades as he moved about._

_She could feel his hard cock against her backside, and pressed herself against it with purpose, eliciting a moan from Gold before he grabbed her skirt and quickly pulled it down before slightly roughly bending her over the table._

_Lacey could feel herself practically dripping with excitement as she heard Gold’s belt come undone and his pants fall to the floor before Gold roughly grabbed at her ass. He even had the gall to playfully smack her bottom before adjusting her hips to meet his and briskly sliding into her soaked pussy. They both moaned at the sensation of Lacey taking him all the way to the hilt, utterly loving the way they each felt when they were intimately joined like this._

_Gold finally began to move, thrusting into her with vigor. Lacey knew that Gold had done a good and thorough job of eating her out, and had been very satisfied already, but this was making her go absolutely insane with pleasure. They both moaned and grunted as they moved, losing track of where one of them began and the other one ended, with the world around them disappearing until it was just them and Lacey’s kitchen table. With every thrust, Lacey’s breasts moved roughly against the table, letting her already sensitive nipples rub across the wood, making them harder than she ever thought possible. The sensation of his cock sliding in and out of her was already beyond lovely, but added with the decoratively rippled edge of her table roughly rubbing her clit had her over the moon with pleasure._

_Lacey broke first, screaming with pleasure through her now sore throat as her legs shook violently, making the table shake even more than it already had been. Gold lost it at the sensation of her walls fluttering around him and her practically losing her voice because of his ministrations. He groaned as he thrusted even faster than before, letting his seed absolutely explode into her._  
  
            _For a moment, all they could do was sit there, hearing each other pant._  
  
_Lacey had to practically peel herself off the table due to the sheer amount of sweat that had accumulated on her, wincing a bit at the feeling, but being too satisfied to be embarrassed about it. Gold had slumped over a bit, leaning on her ass and her lower back, with his arms on either side of her before she (barely) sat up fully and turned around to face him. She now held herself and Gold upright with the help of her table since her legs were still a bit wobbly. Although the table only pressed against her backside at this moment, she delighted in feeling 'trapped' between the now sticky wood behind her and an even stickier Gold in front of her as she kissed him breathless, and rubbed herself shamelessly against his softening cock, and then one of his thighs to silently let him feel the number he did on her. He moaned a bit as he felt some of his cum start accumulating between both her thighs, and dripping down the thigh she rubbed against._  
  
_Once their senses came back to them at least a little bit more, Lacey broke away from him with a giggle, gesturing in the direction of her bathroom._  
  
_“Shower?” she said before nibbling on one of his earlobes._

_Gold could only nod stupidly as they helped each other hobble to her bathroom…_  
  
           

What felt like _hours_ of fantasizing later, Lacey’s senses finally fully returned to her. She was now laying on the floor of her shower, absolutely soaking wet (and not just because of the water), with one of her vibrators laying on top of her stomach vibrating at one of its lowest settings. A detachable showerhead lie turned away from her body, wastefully spraying water onto the wall in front of her, with the force of the thicker spray causing some of the droplets to land on her legs, pussy, and her lower stomach.  
  
            She groaned, realizing that she had to go to work the next day (hell, it could even be later _that day_ for all she knew by now). She grumbled about it a bit until she reminded herself that this kind of job could allow her to have a bit higher of a water bill at the end of the month every so often, which she should be _thankful_ for. She hummed thoughtfully before slowly picking herself up off the floor. One of her legs still wobbled a bit, but even so, she did manage to clean herself off, get dressed again and head back to her room.

 

            Once there, she turned on the lamp next to her bed, immediately groaning again when she saw quite the impressive stain (stain _s_?) on her sheets that unfortunately leaked all the way through to the mattress cover. This was a bit embarrassing, and yet, she couldn’t help but be in awe that her laptop had actually managed to stay on her bed this whole time, even if it was practically dangerously dangling off the edge, and had been that way for who knows how long. She grabbed it off the bed first, not wanting it to fall, and placed it away from her on the floor. She stripped her sheets sleepily, thanking God she had had enough sense to buy herself a cheap washer, even though she didn’t have quite enough money to purchase a dryer to go with it as of yet. She threw them all in the wash, grabbed the blanket off her bed and headed to her dad’s old recliner chair, curling up to go to sleep. She attempted to make a mental note to herself to buy a spare change of sheets as soon as she was able for just such occasions.  
  
            Frankly, if the gnomes weren’t enough to at _least_ get Gold to come over to her place, she wasn’t sure what she was going to do. Her fantasies of him were starting to get more and more vivid by the day, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could slake her lust flying solo. Having a taste of the real thing, she knew, was going to be the only way to truly satiate her lust, and so help her, if he didn’t jump her first like she wanted, she would have to take matters into her own hands (well, more than she _literally_ already had done anyways) and tame the ‘beastly’ landlord herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO sorry this chapter took forever to be published!  
> Initially I was just busy with work, but then I may or may not have gotten SUPER addicted to reading SuchaDearie's (or GrumplevonStiltskin via Ao3) 'A Choker of Lace', which may or may not have assisted in... research. ...Where I was strictly READING stuff.  
> ...YUP.... *cough*  
> READI-  
> *crawls under bed with shame*
> 
> ...But no srsly you need to go read 'A Choker of Lace' by SuchADearie (aka GrumplevonStiltskin on Ao3) cause it's fucking amazing, and I haven't even read all the way through it yet. IT'S THAT. FUCKING. GOOD.
> 
> GO CHECK THAT SHIT OUT, YO. FUCKIN DO IT.  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2318708/chapters/5104346
> 
> ...In other news, I can completely picture mini Lacey #1 poofing next to full-size Lacey when she's in the shower, with both of them naked and mini Lacey #1 being like "DETATCHABLE SHOWER HEADS, AMIRIGHT?" *shit-eating grin as they're both getting themselves off in the shower*


	9. Oh Gnome You Didn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a short one (and possibly not as exciting/good T.T) as compared to all the other chapters so far, but I can pretty much guarantee you the next chapter will VERY much make up for it... *devilish grin*

_Beeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeep._  
  
            Lacey groaned, sleepily reaching for her alarm clock, and missing it quite a few more times than she usually would have. What gives?  
  
            She opened her eyes, and almost panicked at the feeling of her being on her father’s old chair instead of in her bed, before memories of last night came pouring in. She shook her head violently, trying to get a hold of herself. This wasn’t the time to get horny again; she had to go to work! She stretched; working out some kinks she now had in her back and neck because of the old chair, and got herself up.  
  
            Ever faithful to her precious garden, she practically stumbled into her backyard, not even caring that she had no pants on (similar to _every_ day she did this), and watered her plants one by one. She even blew them kisses before running back inside to get fully dressed for work, have some breakfast and leave her now clean sheets and such out to dry.  
  
            When she was finally ready, she stepped out the front door, smiling and giggling a bit at the now bigger collection of ‘x-rated gnomes’ all facing Gold’s house. She happily started her car, and started to back out of her driveway. Ah, how her ceramic children made her proud today… and oh _Lord_ , she was hanging out with Jefferson too much…  
  
**********  
  
            Gold was quite happy to see his adorable, bumbling next-door neighbor practically stumble outside to water her plants this morning as he watched her through one of his side windows. He smiled as he saw her blow kisses to her plants like they were living, breathing children that she was leaving at a daycare or a school rather than a bunch of little seedlings that were practically just starting to pop out of the ground.  
  
            _Ah_ , she was wearing _blue_ today… how cute. In fact, the pair of panties she wore almost matched the color of the sky. He chuckled. Yes, this really _was_ quite enjoyable to watch every morning… Although, nothing could possibly compete with last night so far…

  
  
            _Gold sat in his dining room reading the rest of the newspaper he hadn’t gotten to finish reading that morning after getting home_ incredibly _late. Unfortunately, he had made the mistake of having some coffee about an hour and a half ago, thinking he was going to be at the pawnshop working on his current project all night, or, in the very least, until some incredibly ungodly hour of the morning. He had managed to surprise himself, finishing the project obviously much earlier than he intended, getting home at about 11pm. He decided that maybe reading some more of his newspaper could calm his brain down enough to let him sleep for at least a_ little _bit, although, when he heard a suspicious noise seemingly coming from outside, he knew it wasn’t meant to be._

_He approached the window closest to him and opened it just enough to maybe hear what was making the suspicious noise. He listened intently for a moment._  
  
            _Hearing nothing but chirping crickets, he straightened up to walk back to his chair and continue reading, when he heard it again._

_It was a_ moan _. A moan that came from Lacey’s house._

_Although… was this a moan of distress? It wasn’t ‘long’ enough to tell, and it was already difficult to hear it as it was.  
  
            As quickly as he could muster, he hobbled back to his chair, pulling it up in front of the window so he could unravel this new little mystery of his, with his paper now forgotten.  
  
            He listened for a bit longer, being a touch disappointed when the moan didn’t voice itself any sooner than it did. Interestingly, he found that this next moan was a bit higher pitched and not as long as the last one he heard. On top of that, he noticed, he was starting to hear more of them in a rapid succession, with some of them getting even _ higher _in pitch. What could possibly be going on-_

_Oh._ OHHHHHHHHHHHH-  
  
            _He finally figured it out, and for a moment he felt like the daftest man on the planet for practically having forgotten what the sweet, sweet cries of a woman’s pleasure sounded like. For God’s sake, how could he have forgotten one of the most beautiful types of noises known to mankind? Had it really been_ that _damn long?_

_The moment of admonishing himself didn’t last long though, as he listened to the beautiful, quiet (from his position at least) noises emanating from Ms. French’s house. Her incredibly erotic cries got faster and more urgent as the minutes passed, with her, assumingly, finally breaking, and-_

_He honestly wasn’t sure if he imagined it, or was just getting his hopes up (or possibly all of the above), but he could swear that the last beautiful noise that escaped her lips sounded like a broken version of_ his _last name. It took absolutely everything he had not to groan with want after hearing this, getting painfully hard as he did so._

_He grumbled as he quietly closed the window, trying to tell himself that there was no way the gorgeous young woman next door could so voraciously want a man who was far too old for her, and crippled to boot. His cock defiantly refused to listen to him in this regard. He sighed, grabbed his cane, and hobbled up to his bedroom on the second floor. He rid himself of his clothes, not even bothering with nightclothes of any kind, going straight to his bathroom and starting up the shower. He was still painfully hard now, but at least he wasn’t constrained by clothing anymore.  
  
            Only recently, when he had finally admitted to himself that he was a lecherous pervert, did he finally let himself take himself in hand without resistance, despite the shame that left him feeling empty inside. He knew it was strange, considering that for _ normal _people, telling oneself these kinds of humiliating things would, or should,_ stop _oneself from doing something, but not for him. Not for Mr. [Lecher] Gold.  
  
            Tonight, he pushed aside the shame he felt as he wrapped both hands around his throbbing cock and closed his eyes. After all, on top of being able to visualize what his beautiful neighbor might look like with her head thrown back in bliss, he could now hear what she would _ sound _like, and it was erotic as all hell._  
  
            He could hear and practically _feel_ her moan as she sunk herself down onto him, moving almost immediately after taking him all the way to the hilt. Her moans only got louder as their bodies slammed into each other faster and faster. Thankfully, his age served him well as far as self-control went; however, hearing her blissful cries damn near reduced him to the likes of a school boy, moaning right along with her, just if loud, if not louder than she. Despite his head being thrown back in bliss, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lacey’s hand slide down just above where they were joined, starting to quickly rub while the two of them continued to move. _Damn_ he was pathetic right now… he should be the one doing that _for_ her. After all, he mainly cared about _her_ satisfaction above-

            Lacey finally broke with an Earth-shattering cry, practically screaming his name as she did so. Gold followed not too long after, barely able to take it anymore, letting his seed fill her to the brim. Lacey leaned against the back wall of his shower, slowly sliding down the wall until she was sitting on the shower floor with her legs spread ever so slightly and limp, with stray water hitting her breasts, stomach and soaked pussy when they weren’t hitting Gold’s back. Lacey closed her eyes, sighing contentedly as she let out adorable little giggles and occasionally twitched a little as she sat on the floor.

            _“Thank…you…”_ she rasped quietly.

            Gold smiled. Of _course_ he’d pleasure this beautiful woman until she could barely remember her own name! How could he possibly do anything else?  
  
            _He turned off the shower, washing the ‘evidence’ down the drain. Good_ Lord _this was getting pathetic… He decided tonight was worth it though, since this was most likely the closest he’d ever get to this happening in real life…  
  
_ ******  
  
            He shook his head, trying to snap himself out of it. Bloody hell, he didn’t have time to get horny _again_ , he had to go to work!  
  
            Thankfully he had already been dressed in his suit, only leaving grabbing his morning coffee in his favorite travel mug, grabbing his keys, and going out the door. He began backing out as his garage door opened, looking one way, and then looking the other-

            _Are you KIDDING?!_

            The second he had even _glanced_ at Lacey’s front yard, it was incredibly evident that there were now even _more_ of those bloody gnomes than there were yesterday! How long was this going to go on?! Thank _God_ he hadn’t had his coffee mug in his hand, let alone having it about to reach his lips like the last time this happened, but that didn’t prevent him from slamming his head on the steering wheel for a brief moment out of frustration. He sat there for a moment grumbling to himself until he accidentally leaned just a _little_ too far onto the wheel, letting out a mighty _HONK_ from his horn, before he quickly sat up as if the wheel threatened to kill him if he didn’t.  
  
            He whipped out his phone, angrily taking a picture of Lacey’s front yard, and immediately sending it to Zelena:

            _Ms. Greene –_

  
            _Is_ this _what you call ‘taken care of’? First you completely go against my wish to remain_ anonymous _when filing my complaint, and now there are even_ more _of these blasted gnomes staring at me! Your incompetence absolutely baffles me, and I request that someone_ else _be in charge of solving this issue, since you are clearly not up to the task._

_~Gold_

            He sent the message, then put the phone in his pocket, still grumbling all the while. He continued slowly backing out of the driveway, watching for other cars, when not five seconds later, his phone buzzed. She _already_ responded to his email! He actually found himself impressed for a moment… she must _finally_ be taking this seriously! He opened the phone back up, and opened the message, only to find… _Oh, no…_

 

            _Gold –_

_As you know, I normally do not involve myself in the affairs in the HOA; however, I believe this has become more serious than we thought. Since Zelena is, as you put it, ‘not up to the task’, I will be personally taking over solving this issue myself. Not just for the sake of your neighbors and everyone around you, but for the sake of our_ children _as well._

 

            …Ah yes, no doubt she was talking about _her_ child, seeing as she really didn’t give a single shite about the other children in Storybrooke (despite her claims), but if nothing else, _she_ would get the job done, even if she had to get her hands [secretly… most of the time] dirty to do it… and that’s what concerned him so greatly.  
  
  
            _Please do keep me updated on this issue, and let me know if more of these gnomes appear after today._  
  
  
            _~Regina Mills, Storybrooke Mayor_  
           

            …He dug himself into _quite_ the hole, now, with virtually no chance of escape. Of course, because Zelena had initially ‘outted’ (and not like _that_ ) him, there was no way that Lacey wouldn’t think every single thing Regina could or _would_ do was at least tied to him in _some_ way. He sighed. He knew he’d get some probing questions from the mayor, but he had to at least protect himself a _little_ bit in this situation if there was even a prayer that Lacey would ever talk to him again after all this was over… He hit ‘reply’, and sent Regina probably the most pathetic (for _him_ anyway) message he’d ever sent to anyone in his entire life:

 

            _Regina -_  
             
            _Whatever you do,_ please _don’t destroy her gnomes._  
  
            _~Gold_

 

************

 

            Much later that day, Lacey was absolutely _fuming_.  
  
            Much to her displeasure, while she had been at work, she received some concerning texts from Jefferson telling her that, just as he predicted, Regina had raided his shop, looking high and low for any traces of the gnomes, leaving Jefferson’s poor shop a disheveled mess, and on top of that, also received a warrant from Storybrooke’s sheriff to search Jefferson and Alice’s condo for any signs of the gnomes.

           

            Thankfully, the gnomes Jefferson had kept in his condo from his shop were ones that had been shipped out to clients first thing that morning to meet the delivery deadline, leaving him with none except for some that he had made exclusively for him and Alice’s home at one point. Regina had been absolutely furious, thinking that Jefferson had been giving Lacey ones that they personally owned, and threatened to destroy them.  
  
            At the first sign of Alice’s distress over this; however, Jefferson had somehow managed to scare Regina out of the condo, seemingly even leaving the sheriff with chills going down his spine, since _nobody_ made his wife shed a single tear without _heavily_ paying the price for it…  
  
            Regina seemed to have not even thought of looking at Ruby’s place since Ruby had given the ‘all clear’ after keeping a pretty watchful eye out for the vengeful mayor all day, thank goodness. Lacey was actually quite surprised that there seemed to be no signs of anyone trying to break into her garage, or break her door down, when she got home. After getting these texts, she was practically expecting to come home and find her precious gnomes destroyed and her house and garage a wreck based off Jefferson’s stories. She had already been quite distressed and angry on behalf of poor Jefferson, since he was paying the price for her messing with Gold and the mayor, even though he’d been prepared for this to happen, and had been a willing participant. What had _really_ grinded her gears, though, was yet another email she received from madam mayor herself a bit before she was due to clock out of work and go home for the day: 

            _April 11_ th, 2015  
  


_Dear Ms. French,_

_I was emailed a picture of your lawn this morning, and was surprised to find that there are now about_ thirty _of these gnomes on your lawn. This is getting incredibly out of hand, and needs to be brought to an end._

_As we have said, there are children in the neighborhood, and this is not a good example to be setting for them. On top of that, despite what you must think, we_ do _have standards in this neighborhood. These monstrosities will not be tolerated.  
_  
  
            _Please be advised that you have two days left before incurring fines._  
  
  
_~Regina Mills, Storybrooke Mayor_

           

            Before Lacey could throw one of her few pieces of furniture she had across the room out of rage, she dialed Jefferson. As per usual, he picked up on the first ring:

            “Hell-“  
  


            “Jefferson, where are you right now?” Lacey asked with her voice steadily going up in volume.  
  
  
            “I’m at my store, cleaning up the last bit of chaos Regina left in her wake. Why?” he asked curiously.  
  


            “Oh, I’ll tell you why… _WE’RE GOING TO BRING THE GODDAMN HOUSE DOWN!_ ” she said, banging her fist on one of her kitchen counters.  
  
  
            “Ummm… _how_ exactly are _we_ going to do that?” he asked.  
  
  
            “We’re making a fucking _statement_ , that’s how!” she said, practically squeaking.  
 

            “Ummm… aren’t we, or more appropriately _you_ , _already_ making a statement?” he asked, chuckling a bit.

             
             Lacey groaned.  
  


            “Okay, fine, a _bigger_ statement, how about _them_ apples?” she said, trying very hard not to lose her cool.  
  
             
            “Fair enough, what do you want to do?” he asked, wiping his dusty hands off on his apron.  
  
             
            “Get the gnomes you stored at Ruby’s place, and bring them to my place. We’ve got work to do… and also, would you bring some _booze_ , I’m clean out at the moment, I don’t get paid again until next Friday, and this is going to take awhile…” she said.  
  


            She thought about it for a moment, and then quickly added:  
 

            “…I’ll make those really good cookies for you as payment!” she said, trying (and succeeding) to tempt him.  
  


            “…FOR THE COOKIES! … and for my precious gnomes, too, of course!” he said, before hanging up.

             
            Regina and Gold were going to regret continuing to mess with her friends and her gnomes… _Boy_ were they in for it now…

            As she thought this, she could almost hear a practically devilish little voice cheering and smashing what sounded like a beer bottle, while another little voice just sighed, while what sounded like a tiny lamp clicked on and what sounded like a small book’s pages being rustled around a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THESE TWO DORKS ARE SO HORNY FOR EACH OTHER, IT'S FUCKIN GREAT AND I LOVE WRITING THIS SHIT XD
> 
> ...ALSO I THINK I'VE UNLEASHED A 'WOOBIEST WOOBIE TO EVER WOOBIE'-GOLD OH GOD I'M SORRY *flails*
> 
> ...Lastly the next chapter's gonna be rad af i promise, and I'll have this churned out ASAP :awesomeface:  
> (*no promises considering I signed up for the August Monthly Rumbelling and do want to get that shit written before the month ends since what I'm thinking of could actually end up being pretty funny, but I'll do my best!)


	10. Go Big or Go Gnome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also known as "That chapter I think literally ALL OF YOU have been waiting for, and will probably be like 'lolwhut' cause I had WANTED to write it one way, and then I swear to God Lacey/Belle and Gold hijacked a huge chunk of this chapter and were like NO FUCK YOU CAUSE ACTUALLY THIS IS HAPPENING NOW, DEAL WITH IT"
> 
> .....Back on the train of ridiculousness I go!! *hops on train*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In other news, guess what time it is?  
> ....  
> .....  
> .......IT'S SMUT TIME MOTHER FUCKERS, HOLD ONTO YOUR FUCKIN PANTIES :pervyface:

            Mr. Gold woke up in a surprisingly good mood this morning. He had come home the previous day a bit early since business wasn’t all that great, and _did_ see the same gnomes in Lacey’s yard, but this actually brought him some comfort this time since Regina (surprisingly) abided by his wishes and hadn’t destroyed her gnomes just as he requested. They weren’t _gone_ from her yard yet, per say, but since Regina was on the case, he knew this little ‘problem’ would be taken care of. At least Lacey hadn’t added any more when he wasn’t looking that day, and who knows? They could be removed from her front yard by now, and there’d be nothing more to worry about!  
  
            He was getting dressed to go about his day, when he started hearing some strange little noises coming from outside his house.   
  
            “Honestly, what on Earth could be going on _now_?” he thought to himself.  
  
            He finished getting dressed, and then approached a front window to look outside. To his horror, there were about ten or so people outside the front of… Lacey’s…house…   
  
            _Oh no_ …   
  
            Fearing the worst, Gold practically threw on the rest of his suit, and rushed down the stairs to his front door. He took a deep breath to calm himself, then opened the front door to see what all the commotion was about. Unfortunately for him, it took him virtually no time at all to see what everyone was looking at, and it took practically every bit of concentration he had to not absolutely faint at what he was looking at:  
  
            _There were now easily 100 (if not_ more _) gnomes in Lacey’s front yard_.

              
            Every single one looked unique, which, in itself, was amazing, but they appeared to be piled in what looked like a giant mountain of gnomes in front of Lacey’s house.   
  
            …Actually, now that he looked at it more carefully, there appeared to be _two_ mountains. The walkway to reach Lacey’s house was perfectly clear, with not a speck of dirt or anything to be seen on it, and the gnomes somehow weren’t even remotely overlapping the concrete path that lead to her front door. Frankly, he would’ve been impressed had he not finally laid eyes on the one thing everybody else seemed to be missing…  
  
            Inside what almost looked like a shallow cavern of inappropriate gnomes, there were the original two little gnomes that had started this whole mess. However, they looked a bit different today, considering that the one that looked like him was wearing an utterly terrifying looking horse mask on its head, and it was wearing… a _sparkly_ … _gold_ …. _shirt….(which could’ve come straight out of the 70’s)._

 

            Some of the people in front of her house were pointing and laughing at the insane number of gnomes, some looked horrified at the display, and some looked like they didn’t know what to think. Mr. Gold was a strange combination of the latter two things. Obviously these _mountains_ of gnomes were designed to attract people’s attention, but the gnomes that happened to look like him and Lacey were very cleverly placed so that the only way one could see them was if one was standing in Gold’s yard and looking towards Lacey’s house. He came to the conclusion right then that this couldn’t _possibly_ be a coincidence. The two little gnomes _happening_ to look like him and Lacey was one thing, since that could’ve _easily_ been nothing more than a coincidence, but _this_ was ridiculous.   
  
            Suddenly, the distant sound of a police siren interrupted his thoughts. Some of the people looking at Lacey’s house continued to look and whisper to themselves about it, but some of them looked in the direction the siren came from, looking a little panicked. Frankly, Gold panicked as well; going back inside his house, but leaving his door open a crack so he could potentially hear what was going on outside…  
  
            Storybrooke’s sheriff, David Charming, stepped out of the police car, holding his hands in the air and towards the crowd.  
  
            “Attention, everyone!” he began, with his voice carrying just enough that the people could hear, and more importantly, Gold could hear.

 

            “The mayor herself has been informed of the situation, and we’re working on resolving this issue. We understand your potential concerns; however, we do need the area to be clear in order to solve this, so we respectfully ask you all to clear the premises!” he said.  
  
            The townsfolk that gathered around Lacey’s house finally slowly began dispersing, mumbling to themselves as they walked away. Charming stood firm in front of Lacey’s house, eyeing them all until he was the only one left in front of her house. Gold shifted to one of his windows, now rather curious to see what Charming’s next move was; however, once the people had all left, Charming simply got back into his car and drove away.  
  
            How odd… he figured this event would’ve involved Sheriff Charming at _least_ giving Lacey some kind of warning, or a ticket, or _something_ if Regina requested the sheriff to visit her house… Ah, but wait. Not a single police report had been filed on anyone who ever lived in this neighborhood. This town may be small, and there might not be that many neighborhoods to begin with, but _this one_ was the cream of the crop. Regina certainly wasn’t the head of the HOA, but she wouldn’t dare have any police reports be recorded on this neighborhood. Storybrooke’s perfectionist of a mayor was too prideful to let even _this_ incident put a dent in the neighborhood’s perfect record, for fear it would somehow come back to bite her. She’d only _truly_ involve the police if she were getting desperate. It was certainly a bit of a stretch, but honestly, it was the only explanation he could come up with that made even a lick of sense at the moment.  
  
            He took a deep, calming breath before he leaned on his cane and a wall near him to help himself stand up. He grunted a bit from the pain it caused, but dusted himself off a bit nonetheless, making sure he looked presentable again. _Finally_ , he decided enough was enough. He pretty much knew he had no choice at this point if Regina was now potentially getting the police involved with this situation, especially since he was the one who’d made a big fuss over this from the start… He calmly grabbed his house keys from near his door, stepped outside and locked up behind him. It was _finally_ time to face Ms. French properly.   
  
            He walked towards Ms. French’s house, trying very hard to stay calm and collected despite the fact a bunch of the gnomes were practically _staring_ at him. He quickly looked about, making sure _nobody_ was around to see this, before strutting onto Ms. French’s walkway between the mountains of gnomes.  
  
            This walk felt like a bloody _marathon_. He could feel some of the gnomes looking at him, yes, but as he ventured down the pathway, he could see some of the _very_ perverse gnomes hidden in the ‘mountains’, making lascivious images of his gorgeous, feminine neighbor flash before his eyes. He occasionally stopped for a moment, closing his eyes and trying to remember the speech he had thought of to say to her, trying to push the images into the back of his mind. For crying out loud, how could she possibly take his words seriously if he showed up at her door with a raging hard-on?  
  
            After what felt like forever, he finally ended up at Ms. French’s door. His hands trembled a bit, but he actually felt a bit proud of himself. He had not only faced, and (at least _somewhat_ ) overcome his fears, but he was now handling this issue _himself_ , as he finally realized he should’ve done from the very start… He nervously lifted a fist up to her door. It was the moment of truth, and he _really_ hoped he wouldn’t blow this like he did back at the pawnshop…  
  
*******  
  
            Lacey French woke up in a surprisingly crappy mood this morning. Apparently her internal body clock decided to _finally_ get used to waking up for work on a day she didn’t have to do to work, and had a raging headache. Her eyes practically stung as she looked at her clock. _Damn_ … it really _was_ way too early considering it was still before noon…  
  
            She blinked as her eyes finally adjusted enough to look at her nightstand. There was a glass of water and some aspirin on it, and a couple of Lacey’s cookies in a plastic bag with a heart drawn on the front of it with what looked like sharpie ink. Lacey couldn’t help but chuckle. Oh  _yeah_ … she got absolutely _sloshed_ while Jefferson was over helping her with the gnomes, and…  
  
            _That’s right_ … _the_ gnomes!  
  
            She began to move as quickly as she could manage with a pounding headache and her stomach churning (thankfully with hunger not with sickness), shoving the aspirin and a large sip of the water down her throat. She hungrily opened the bag of cookies, took one out, went to take a nice big bite out of it, and- _UGGHH!_  
  
            She practically slammed her mouth shut at the smell of her own breath. For God’s sake, if her _breath_ was this rancid, she didn’t even want to imagine the possibility of how badly the _rest_ of her could reek of alcohol right now… She practically plugged her nose in order to take bites of the cookie she still held in her hand. Her breath smelled like death itself, yes, but frankly she was too hungry to let even _that_ get in the way of getting food into her right now… She then forced herself to choke down the rest of the glass of water as well before shutting herself in her bathroom to take a desperately needed shower and freshen up a bit.  
  
            About an hour or so later, she was _finally_ out of the bathroom. Poor Lacey thankfully did get to shower, but not before throwing up a couple of times and having to _majorly_ brush her teeth and tongue to get rid of the smell and taste. _Clearly_ , her stomach decided that it hadn’t liked the sweetness of the cookie she ate on top of all the alcohol in her system… She couldn’t blame it much though; she hadn’t gotten that thoroughly drunk in a _very_ long time, actually. Even her last outing with Ruby to The Rabbit Hole didn’t end even _remotely_ close to being this bad the next morning. Regardless, she was all squeaky clean, dressed in a fresh outfit, and ready to take on the day… which most likely meant curling up with a book for the day, and telling the rest of the world it could shove it while she did so.  
  
            She strolled into the kitchen, boiling some water to make herself some tea. Not too long later, the tea was finally ready, and she’d gotten a couple of sips into her mug, when she heard it: _police sirens_.  
  
            She almost dropped her mug in shock, sneaking up to a window to try and see what was going on. Unfortunately, the gnomes blocked a majority of her view out front, but there were very clearly people there, and she picked up on the voice of the sheriff telling the people to ‘clear the area’ and such. She tried to stay calm and not panic, but so far it wasn’t working very well… She then hurriedly put her mug in the sink and half _ran_ to her bathroom, shutting herself in.  
  
            What on Earth was she _doing_? It was absolutely _daft_ of her to even possibly think that hiding from the cops could magically make them go away! She pondered what to do, until a sultry, yet somehow familiar little voice whispered a very… _interesting_ idea… A part of her _strongly_ disagreed with it, since she had vowed to stop using her looks (and _body_ for that matter) specifically to get her out of trouble, since the last time she’d used that ‘skill’, it’d landed her a job, but one she didn’t feel she actually deserved in the slightest, and felt guilty over it every day she clocked in. She shook her head. _No_. _This_ would be the last time she’d pull this kind of stunt. Hell, it could possibly not even work at _all_ since she knew the sheriff had a pretty, bright, and kind-hearted girlfriend (whom was soon to be his _wife_ , if the rumors were true). She’d brought even _married_ men to their knees in the past though, so she figured there was at least a _shot_ that she could get out of this one unscathed, or at least not have to pay as heavy of a penalty…  
  
            She began putting on the slightest bit of makeup, and made sure her hair looked at least decent enough to possibly pull this off. She couldn’t shake the pang of guilt that began to form in her belly as she slipped on one of the skimpiest pairs of shorts she had, and slipped on a spaghetti-strap top that exposed her belly just enough to leave a man _tempted_ to say the least. This was not the best outfit she could’ve picked for this, but she felt it was the best she was going to get if she wanted to seem like she’d been just getting out of bed. She sighed and sat on her bed, preparing for the inevitable-

 

            _Knock knock knock knock_ …..

  
  
            “Coming!” she said cheerfully, forcing a smile on her face as she approached the door.  
  
            She opened the door in the sexiest way she could think of, leaning her shoulder on the edge of her doorway as she let the door swing open the rest of the way on its own. She crossed her arms lightly, pushing her breasts up just enough to draw attention to them, and cocked her hips outward the slightest bit in an almost snarky, yet still sexy, stance. She then finally looked up at him, ready to practically _ooze_ ‘old-fashioned’ Lacey charm.   
  
            “Well, _hello_ there –“  
  
            Her greeting suddenly came to a halt, with her mouth utterly dropping open in surprise, as she felt her cheeks began to flush.  
  
            The _last_ person she had expected to show up at her door at this moment was Captain Sexy-Pants from next door, but on the bright side, the pang of guilt she’d felt almost instantly turned into something _far_ more pleasant. Although, she couldn’t help but feel the slightest bit of déjà vu at the moment…  
  
******  
  
            Gold was stunned to see Lacey open the door the way she did. Good _God_ , this almost felt like the start of a bad porno (not that _he’d_ ever watched those or anything…). To be fair, though, he wouldn’t have it any other way. His eyes raked up and down her body, taking in the gorgeous sight before him:  
  
            She wore some of the skimpiest shorts he’d ever seen on her (which was saying something considering he’d seen her wearing some _pretty_ skimpy shorts while working out in her garden before), which made her legs look even better than usual. On top of that, she wore a spaghetti strap top that exposed her shoulders and collarbones. To his delight, it was slightly see-through, and she’d forgone a bra if her nipples beginning to pebble and become visible through the fabric was any indication. Her gorgeous porcelain skin practically called to him, begging him to massage it, grope it, or damn near anything that would make Lacey feel good.   
  
            She was wearing her hair down today, and it was clearly washed not long ago since he could see that some of the tips of her auburn curls were still damp, and he could smell the remnants of a potent, fruity hair product of some sort on her. It framed her lovely face beautifully, and made her eyes look even _more_ strikingly blue somehow. Speaking of which, she clearly had makeup on, but it wasn’t overdone like she tended to do normally; it was much more subtle and natural looking, which he found to be quite nice on her. Her lips were the only exception. They were very clearly decorated with lipstick that was a nice shade of red, making them _very_ noticeable, and _very_ kissable. It was practically taking every shred of concentration he had to not pull her lithe form towards him and show her just how much he wanted her in the form of a bone-melting kiss.  
  
            He cleared his throat a bit, asking her if he could come in for a moment, ‘if she didn’t have a prior engagement’, that is. Thankfully she didn’t, gladly letting him into her home.   
  
            Unfortunately for him, practically the moment he stepped into her abode, the sentences he’d carefully crafted to say to her about her massive collection of garden gnomes had all but escaped his brain, leaving him virtually silent for a moment. He took a deep breath, at least attempting to regain his thoughts.  
  
            “M-Ms. French?” he began bashfully.  
  
            “Yes, Mr. Gold?” she asked just as coyly.  
  
            “I, well… that is… errr….” He stammered, with his face beginning to grow red.  
  
            “Yes?” Lacey asked again, almost urging him on to speak.  
  
            He stopped and took a deep breath to calm himself. Nope; the words he had originally wanted to say were officially gone from his mind, and in that moment something in him snapped. It almost felt like a coil that had been wound up too tightly inside him finally broke, smacking the ‘typical’ Mr. Gold right out of his head, and replacing it with… _something_ …

  
            “What do you think you’re playing at?” he asked, with his voice getting a bit deeper as he did so.  
  
            Lacey cocked her head, giving him a puzzled look until realization seemed to briefly flash in her eyes.  
  
            “And what exactly would you be referring to, Mr. Gold?” she asked right back.   
  
            “I’m _referring_ to those… those… _gnomes_ in your front yard,” he said, trying his hardest to keep his composure.  
  
            “What _about_ them?” she said, a sneaky smile forming on her face.  
  
            _Minx._ She knew _exactly_ how to goad him on, didn’t she?

 

            “There are now what appear to be _easily_ over one hundred of them in your front yard… How is this kind of decorating even remotely logical? You can probably barely see out your front windows with all of… _them_ being in the mountainous _piles_ they’re in…” he began, taking a step towards her.  
  
            Her eyebrows rose upward as he started to talk, with her taking a step backward as he took a step towards her. Frankly, even if he was possibly scaring her at this point, he _needed_ to get this out of his system, for fear he’d go mad (well, _more_ mad) if he didn’t.  
  
            “Furthermore, they seem to be in… _inappropriate_ positions. Are you trying to give people _ideas_ , Ms. French?”   
  
            His accent was becoming more profound as he talked, with the two of them continuing this strange little ‘dance’ they had started, with Mr. Gold taking a small step forward as he talked, while Lacey would take a small step back. All the while, his eyes began to darken, but certainly not with anger…  
  
            “I can tell you for a _fact_ that these ‘ _decorations_ ’ would give certain men enough of a reason to approach your door and tell you _exactly_ what kinds of _ideas_ you’re putting in their heads.” He said with a slight growl in his voice.  
  
            He could see the beginnings of a blush forming on Lacey’s cheeks at his words.  
  
            “I don’t suppose you have any _examples_ of these ‘ideas’, as you call them, do you?” she asked slyly, with a bit of humor in her voice. Even _her_ accent was now growing deeper as she spoke.  
  
            “ _Oh_ , you want _examples_ , do you?” he asked, with his accent growing even heavier than before.  
  
            She nodded, with her mouth dropping open a little as she now stared into his eyes. _Oh_ how he wanted to kiss those pretty little lips of hers…  
  
            “I happen to know from _years_ of accumulating strange, yet wonderful objects and treasures from people, that a _vast_ majority, if not _all_ , of those gnomes out there are inspired by the Kama Sutra… Have you _read_ the Kama Sutra, Ms. French?” he asked.  
  
            “N-no…” she said shakily.  
  
            He cocked his head at her response, raising a single eyebrow at her. She could’ve very easily been telling the truth, and was just nervous or some other emotion that was making her not think as clearly at the moment, but she could _also_ be lying… Frankly, he actually _hoped_ she was lying.

 

            He could see her eyes widening now, but she didn’t seem to be _scared_ as such. Thank goodness for that, since he wasn’t even _remotely_ done with his little speech…  
  
            “Luckily for you, Ms. French, _I have_ …” he said, practically growling with pleasure, propriety be damned.  
  
            Suddenly, their little ‘dance’ came to a halt as one of Lacey’s feet backed into a wall behind her. Instead of stopping; however, she actually backed herself against the wall, smiling at him mischievously.  
  
            Gold slowly took a single step closer, leaving mere inches between the two of them, with him standing ramrod straight in front of her, still looking her right in the eyes. He took Lacey not scrambling backwards or away from him as a good sign.  
  
            “Y-you can call me Lacey, you know…” she breathed, with the blush on her face growing redder as her chest heaved.  
  
            “Alright then, _Lacey_ ,” he said, putting a heavy, accented emphasis on her name. “I happened to notice two particular gnomes in your yard more so than the others, despite there being so many of them now…”   
  
            He bent over at the waist, leaning his head down ever so slightly until his lips were a mere inch from her ear.   
  
            “… _and frankly, they look like the two of us_ … That’s not a coincidence, is it?” he whispered.  
  
            He could practically feel Lacey shudder despite the fact that they weren’t touching in the least.  
  
            “In a way, it _is_ … That’s how they were designed to begin with, and I rather doubt the artist knew who I was or what I looked like when it was created… though, I found it amusing that… the other one… seemed to look like _you_ …” she breathed. “Rather _eye catching_ , aren’t they?” she said, clearly trying to maintain her composure just has he was.  
  
            He let out a low chuckle, finding all of this _far_ too amusing. He then reached a hand outwards, letting his palm rest a bit to the side of the part of the wall Lacey was pressing against.  
  
            “ _Eye-catching_ , indeed…” he chuckled.  
  
            He then dropped his cane, letting it roll away from them. He saw Lacey briefly watch him drop the cane before looking back up into his eyes with what looked like awe.  
  
            “…Do you have any idea how many fantasies I’ve had of you since you put those blasted gnomes out in your yard?” he whispered.  
  
            He heard her breath catch as he gazed into her eyes, and the light rustle of fabric as she shifted a little bit. He almost began to speak again, but then Lacey interjected:

 

            “ _Tell me…_ ” she purred breathily.  
  
            Gold lifted his other hand up to her chin, holding it ever so slightly upward with his index finger to make damn sure he had the entirety of her attention, lowering his voice to a whisper.  
  
            “I see you working out in that little garden of yours _every day_ , where your adorable little ass sways in the air, just begging to be touched… or, better yet, _spanked_ …” he growled.  
  
            He visibly saw Lacey’s eyes darken with lust and her cheeks become redder as he spoke.  
  
            “ _Go on…_ ” she whispered, leaning her head back a bit lazily.  
  
            Gold slowly leaned his head down, pressing a very light kiss to her neck before continuing.  
  
            “I see you wipe beads of sweat off your brow and your cheeks redden from the heat of the sun… In the dark of night, I wonder if it comes close to what you’d look like after writhing beneath me and screaming my name for _hours…_ ” he growled, growing bolder and planting more kisses on her neck. He softly cupped her cheek in his hand as he did so.  
  
            He internally roared with triumph when he heard her whimper with want at his ministrations. He could practically feel her open her mouth to speak again, but he cut her off.  
  
            “ _Thaddeus_ ,” He said, as if instinctually knowing what she wanted to say next.  
  
            Lacey then took hold of his face with both her hands.  
  
            “ _Thaddeus_ Gold…” she purred.  
  
            Mr. Gold could barely bite back a groan when his name escaped her lips; it was possibly the most erotic thing he’d ever heard in his life so far. He began to practically list the ways he could get her to absolutely _scream_ his name in his head, when Lacey interrupted his thoughts.  
  
            “… _enough talking_ …” she purred, letting her lips crash with his.  
  
            Gold groaned into her mouth with want as he felt her arms snake around his neck, and her lithe body press up against his as much as they could while still clothed. Lacey, in turn, moaned when he then moved himself even _more_ forward, practically crushing her body between him and the wall behind her. She definitely didn’t seem to mind though, since he felt her hips slowly and seductively grind against his own with want. He shifted his hands from her face to her shoulders, and then to her waist, letting them lazily move up and down her torso before it started to get heated.  
  
            Their breathing then quickened, as their kisses grew more passionate, with Lacey taking the plunge and coaxing his mouth open with hers. Their kisses became slightly messier as they went, before Gold finally broke away to return his attentions to her neck. He could hear her breathing even faster as he nibbled on her neck, then bit down with force where her neck met her shoulder, knowing this would leave quite the impressive hickey, letting the whole town know just who seduced Ms. F- _Lacey_ today…  
  
            As he bit down, he heard her say his name again with a breathy moan as her nails began trailing down his back, trying to pull him closer to where she wanted him. His hands ran up underneath her shirt to her breasts, which he kneaded with fervor before lightly pinching her nipples, making her moan once again.  
  
            It barely took two seconds for her to push him away just enough to yank her shirt off her head, revealing her pert breasts to his hungry gaze. He licked his lips appreciatively before ducking down to take one of her nipples into his mouth, reveling in her little cries of pleasure. He lavished them both with plenty of attention as Lacey’s fingers began nimbly working at his shirt, cursing at his cufflinks being ‘difficult’, and preventing her from pushing the overcoat and shirt out of the way. He chuckled against her skin before quickly undoing the cufflinks and letting them fall to the floor.  
  
            Lacey gave his now bare chest a once-over, clearly appreciating what she saw since she tugged him back against her body again, letting her breasts rub against his chest as she recaptured his lips.  
  
            Poor Gold was already terribly hard from Lacey’s ministrations, but his determination to make this good for her overrode his need for release. He had somehow made it this far, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to (literally) blow it now…  
  
            He broke away from her, lavishing her breasts and torso with kisses again, before moving lower. He winced a little as he finally lowered himself to his knees in front of her. This would hurt like _hell_ later, but right now, he didn’t give a rat’s ass as long as he could make her absolutely _scream_ …  
  
            He began running his hands up and down her legs, particularly her thighs as he began planting kisses all over them, making Lacey squirm when he happened to hit some erogenous zones there. His hands moved up to her shorts, with his fingers gently plucking at the elastic edge, near-silently asking permission.  
  
            Apparently, practically no ‘permission’ was needed, as she curled her fingers around his and pushed his hands towards the ground before he _clearly_ got the message and pulled her shorts all the way off her, helping her step out of them, and nicely placing them on the ground next to them.  
  
            When he looked back to her though, he practically jumped out of his skin. Instead of him gazing upon whatever panties she had chosen for the day, there was absolutely _zero_ fabric in front of him now. Had…had she not been wearing panties this _whole time_? True, he _had_ looked away once he began pulling her shorts away from her, but he felt like he would’ve _noticed_ … well…  
  
            He felt himself practically _already_ getting dizzy as the smell of her arousal hit him like a train. He gripped her thighs tightly before leaning his head _very_ close to her shaven, naked sex.  
  
            “ _Minx…”_ he growled as he plunged into her.  
  
            He heard Lacey moan quite loudly as he immediately started licking at her with fervor. He groaned with pleasure as he felt both of Lacey’s hands grip his head tightly, with her fingernails raking across his scalp deliciously as he continued to pleasure her senseless.  
  
            He then gripped one of her thighs with one hand, then pressed against the back of her opposite thigh with his other hand. Lacey got the hint, and lifted her leg upward, letting him drape it over his shoulder, leaving her balancing with one leg on the floor, and her back very firmly against the wall.   
  
            He plunged two fingers into her entrance, shifting his tongue’s attention to her clit, which made her begin crying out even _louder_ than before, with her thighs beginning to tremble around him.  
  
            “ _Thaddeus_ , that’s so- _FUCK!_ Oh my _God_ , you’re _ama- ahhhhhh…_ “ she moaned, with her voice raising in pitch and becoming more breathy as she spoke.  
  
            This only encouraged him on, _loving_ the sound of her speech being reduced to moans and expletives because of _him_ … As her cries grew louder, he began to steadily fuck her with his own fingers, adding another one, and then-  
  
            He felt her clench around his fingers deliciously before she finally broke, moaning his name. He hurriedly removed his fingers and replaced them with his tongue to greedily drink down every last drop of her pleasure as her channel began to flutter. He eased her through her orgasm, stroking her gently as he felt many of her muscles twitch delightfully around him and her body convulse with pleasure.  
  
            He suddenly felt extra weight on his shoulder, as Lacey’s leg seemed to slump down a little, before her whole body seemingly went slack. His cock stirred once again at the sound of a shaky, satiated sigh escaping her lips.  
  
            For a moment, it seemed that all she could do was breathe heavily as he kissed the insides of her thighs again, leaving little love bites as he went. Finally, Lacey was able to move again, unlatching her leg from his shoulder and back, with poor Gold practically whimpering at the loss of contact. It wasn’t to last, though, as Lacey humbly lowered herself to the ground in front of him until they both were on their knees facing each other. She then tugged him closer to her, capturing his lips, and moaning when their tongues playfully mingled again for a bit.  
  
            She broke away from him and stood up on slightly shaky legs, reaching her hands in front of her, motioning for him to grab them. In a surprising feat of strength, she managed to pull him to his feet, despite his wince of pain when he discovered that his _good_ leg was now asleep, and his bad foot hurt from the strain he put on it all that time. Normally, this would have brought him great shame, making him feel old and weak; however, frankly, with the warm, soft Lacey in his arms, he felt like he could move mountains.

 

            “Remind me to have better insulation installed in your house later…” Gold panted.  
  
            “W-what?” Lacey mumbled.  
  
            “Nevermind…” he said, pulling her back towards him to kiss her again.  
  
            She kissed him back, slowly and passionately until she most likely felt his cock twitch near her dripping sex, making her pause for a brief moment. She then purred into his mouth, forcefully moving him backwards quite a ways. The poor dears were so wrapped up in each other that they kept bumping into furniture and walls accidentally, although they took it in stride, even chuckling and giggling as they went along, kissing whatever parts of them bumped into things lovingly until they _finally_ reached Lacey’s bed.  
  
            Lacey playfully pushed him down onto the edge of her bed, holding up his belt.  
  
            “You’re _still_ too overdressed…” she purred.  
  
            How she somehow managed to remove his belt without him even noticing was beyond him, but it only turned him on that much more. He practically threw his pants off, looking back up at Lacey like an obedient puppy waiting for a treat.  
  
            She grinned almost evilly at him before leaning over him, then making him move backwards and further onto her bed. She kissed him passionately, teasing the tip of his cock with her dripping folds, making him groan with want.  
  
            “Lacey, _please_ …” he breathed.  
  
            “A girl could get used to a man _begging_ for her to pleasure him…” she said.

  
            Lacey then leaned forward towards his ear.  
  
            “…I think I might just make you do it even _more_ …” she whispered to him before nibbling his earlobe.  
  
            She then planted soft kisses on practically every inch of his skin, moving lower and lower until she reached his straining cock. Without taking her eyes off him, she licked her lips seductively, and then [almost] innocently licked the tip of his cock teasingly.  
  
            Gold threw his head back with a moan. He was already incredibly sensitive at this point, so virtually anything she did felt like heaven, even down to the smallest little lick. Lacey chuckled, giving him a couple more teasing licks before he felt her wrap her lips around him and finally take all of him in her mouth.

 

            He couldn’t believe some of the noises that were coming out of his own mouth, with a lot of them barely sounding human, let alone a noise even possible for someone like _him_ to make. She was utterly _relentless_ , expertly lavishing attention on his cock, making his legs squirm, and his body tremble with pleasure.  
  
            “Lacey… _darling_ … can’t hold on…much longer… _please_ , sweetheart…” he said shakily.  
  
            Lacey hummed with pleasure, releasing him with a sinful _pop_. Gold’s head practically shot up to look at her again, about to speak his mind, when her gaze utterly hypnotized him. He caught an almost feral look in her eyes before her eyebrows went up challengingly, and she smirked at him. He found it impossible to look away as she rose up on her hands and knees, and then turned away from him, letting her ass sway in the air invitingly.  
  
            “So, _Thaddeus_ …” she purred. “Would you like to make _another_ one of _my_ fantasies come true today?” she asked, shaking her ass at him the slightest bit as she spoke.  
  
            Gold nearly started drooling at the sight, and could practically howl with excitement at how incredibly sexy she looked right then if he didn’t have more self-control. It took a moment, as his legs and arms were a bit shaky, but he finally rose upward and then leaned over her, with his chest pressing against her back ever so slightly. He could hear and _feel_ her moan when they were like this, and feeling his cock pressed against her ass was _so_ incredibly erotic.  
  
            “ _Do it…_ ” Lacey whispered.  
  
            He struggled yet again, but he managed to take himself in hand and line himself up with her pussy before entering her with one long, smooth thrust. Both Gold _and_ Lacey moaned at the feeling, although Lacey’s was much closer to a _scream_ in pitch, and Gold reveled in her cries of pleasure.  
  
            He started off slowly just in case, groping one of her breasts with one hand, and rubbing her hip with the other, before he felt Lacey start moving her hips more, assumingly to create more friction. He almost instantly started thrusting harder, making Lacey’s cries shorter and higher in pitch as he moved. He suddenly grew bolder, moving the hand at her breasts to where they were joined, and then to her clit, beginning to rub in circles around it. He moved his other hand away from her hip, and towards her ass, playfully, and somewhat lightly, smacking it before roughly groping at her cheeks.  
  
            Lacey moaned again, even _louder_ this time, and Gold could tell she was incredibly close to her climax.  
  
            “Do… do that… _again_ … _more_ …” she breathed, with her words dissolving into moans every time he thrust into her.  
  
            Gold was actually somewhat surprised at this, since he had spanked her completely on impulse, and half expected her to either not like it that much, or tell him to do something different instead, and yet she sounded like she was _loving_ it. His eyes grew even darker with lust as he began to smack each of her cheeks harder, while still rubbing near her clit. He could feel Lacey’s thighs starting to tremble beneath him, and out of the corner of his eye, when Lacey moved her head just right, he could see her outright _panting_ , tongue practically falling out of her mouth and all. His fingers rubbed against her clit up and down for a moment, before he pinched it and twisted it between his fingers, making Lacey break yet again with an Earth-shattering scream of pleasure. The stimulation finally became too much for Gold, following Lacey over the edge, while he thrust into her with quicker, shorter motions.  
  
            Gold slowly pulled himself out of her, interestingly falling _backwards_ instead of forwards, with his head hitting one of her pillows behind him. Lacey followed him, playfully flopping back down onto the bed backwards as well, ending up right next to him. They both came down from their high a bit sleepy, and strangely giggly. Well, at least _Lacey_ was giggly; Gold just had an incredibly dumb-looking grin plastered on his face, in awe of how amazing that experience had just been. Whether she was giggling at his dumb grin or not, he really couldn’t care less, considering he’d just had some of the best sex of his life, and judging purely by the look on her face, it looked like she possibly did too.  
  
            Lacey scooted a bit closer to him until their torsos were barely touching, and she gave him a light kiss on the nose before giggling once again, and tracing a bunch of nonsense designs and shapes on his chest with some of her fingers. Strangely enough, Gold started doing relatively the same thing, drawing little nonsense patterns up and down one of her arms, and reaching her torso and now-sticky thighs occasionally. Normally, he would’ve thought this to be a strange alternative to cuddling, but it actually felt weirdly _right_ with Lacey… Granted, he wouldn’t have pictured _Lacey_ of all people to be ‘cuddly’ or anything even remotely similar, per say, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.  
  
*******  
  
            …. _Wow_.  
  
            ……. _WOW._  
  
            Lacey had envisioned having amazing sex with ‘Captain Sexy-Pants’ (which she now knew as _Thaddeus_ … _Oh_ what a elegant name…) for quite a while now, but this blew her fantasies right out of the water. She wanted more practically instantly after they fell backwards onto the bed, and yet, she found herself wanting to… _cuddle_ with him a bit.  
  
            The _hell_? _Lacey_ French never _cuddled_ with people, let alone… whatever the hell they started doing to each other as they lay there, and yet this felt… _right_ , somehow, almost as if she was… _home_. _Truly_ home… She hadn’t felt this way since before her parents passed away, and she was… who changed into… well, her current self…   
  
            It was at that moment when it finally clicked. Her home wasn’t back in her and Gaston’s luxurious apartment, and it wasn’t even in this little blue house she inhabited that now had a ridiculous amount of gnomes in the front of her yard. It was here in Thaddeus’ arms, enveloped in their joined warmth. After all those years of searching and searching despite not really knowing what exactly what she was trying to find, she finally found what she’d been looking for.  


            There was still a part of her that wanted to fully be Lacey. Lacey was _fun_ and _adventurous_ ; she was someone who never put up with people’s bullshit, did what she wanted, _when_ she wanted, and always spoke her mind, even if it was the bluntest comment ever. However, in this moment, as much as she could hardly believe it, she actually felt… like _Belle_.   
  
            _Belle_ was abandoned because she had no spine, was taken advantage of by people, and was too kind for her own good… _This_ part of Belle was compassionate and caring, with gentle touches and warm endearments that could (or _should_ ) win damn near anybody over, even someone like Thaddeus Gold. This part of Belle had practically been _forgotten,_ replacing it with a certain coldness; only wanting to befriend or romance people that she could take advantage of somehow, and not just to have someone to talk to or hang out with. She had walked a bit of a… _shady_ path. Not necessarily _completely_ dark, but she thanked her lucky stars that the light had been brought back into her life just in the nick of time, and by probably the most unexpected person ever.  
  
            She could feel tears welling up in her eyes upon realizing this, quickly burying her head underneath Thaddeus’ chin to hide her sudden sappiness from his eyes, and to try and keep the tears from falling. He didn’t really seem to mind though, gently wrapping one of his arms around her, and pulling her quilt over them for warmth as Lacey rubbed against him lovingly like a cat.  
  
            Lacey knew now that Belle would, in fact, return. Probably not _entirely_ , and probably not right away, but she could _feel_ Belle again, and that’s all she really needed right now. Belle trusted Thaddeus with all her heart, and wanted to tell her, dare she even _think_ it, _lover_ about her struggles, her fears, and what she was going through even now. It would take a while, but she had no doubt that the courage to embrace Belle again would come to her. After all, surely if she did the brave thing, bravery would follow, right?  
              
            She was so, quite literally, wrapped up in warmth and good feelings that she didn’t notice her phone buzz from the floor where it had fallen at some point, alerting her of a new email:

  
            _April 12, 2015  
  
_

_Dear Ms. French –  
  
_

_It has come to my attention that there are possibly at least one hundred gnomes in your yard, now. How are you even_ fitting _all of those blasted things in your yard, anyhow? According to the sheriff, some of the locals have described it as looking like a ‘giant gnome orgy’. This is absolutely disgusting, and has to come to an end by any means necessary.  
  
            I am giving you exactly 24 hours to have the gnomes removed from your front lawn. If they are not removed by this time, you will be incurring quite the large fine, and I will personally take you to court for deliberately disobeying our HOA Guidelines numerous times.  
  
            Have a pleasant time removing your little gnomes.  
  
            Regina, Storybrooke Mayor_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4 things:
> 
> 1) @woodelf - I said in Chapter 3 comments that one of your guesses on Gold's first name was right, and now we know his name's Thaddeus! Woo! Nice guess!! ...not gonna lie, I think I had 'Atlantis: The Lost Empire' on my brain at the time I thought of his first name at the start of the fic XD
> 
> 2) @of_princes_and_savages - I believe your exact words in a comment on chapter 6 were "Is Lacey-Belle's plan to sexually-frustrate Gold to the point of him jumping her on her porch? If so, it might be working!".  
> .....I swear when I first read that comment I was like *internally screaming cause want to respond to comment, but afraid of revealing HUGE spoilers for my own fic, but you pretty much got it exactly right holy shit what are you a mind-reader? HOW DID YOU GET MY SCRIPT THING? HOOOOWWWWWWW* SO THERE YOU GO! lolol
> 
> 3) Apologies there's no real 'schedule' for updating per say... I actually had this chapter done EASILY a week ago, I just didn't get the chance to sit down and edit the damn thing until, like, TODAY cause real life's been a pain in the butt ._.;  
> And yes, there's 2 more chapters after this! (Technically one actually cause the last one is an epilogue i think y'all will get a kick out of :D ) I already have part of the next chapter written, but Lord knows I could very easily get distracted with a fluffy, surprisingly NOT gnome-related fic that's beginning to worm its way into my head, but we'll see what happens... I'm also going away for a week to go to a funeral, so I'll most likely only be able to write on my phone instead of a keyboard which will be like... oyyyyy veeeeeeyyyyy o_O
> 
> 4) We're getting close to the end, but never fear my gnome-loving friends! Even after the actual fic ends, there's gonna be MORE content that didn't make the final cut of the fic posted (probably technically turning this into a series in the process lol), along with the original 'plot breakdown' for lack of a better term (i GUESS you could call it a 'first draft' [besides the Gnome-a Sutra chapter cause that actually got added in a bit after literally all the other stuff was written down as like 'I WANNA WRITE MORE SMUT LITERALLY CAUSE I CAN, SHUT UP'-kind of chapter lol], but it's more like me being half-drunk and REALLY sleepy, but being like OH MY GOD I HAVE TO WRITE THIS SHIT DOWN OR I'M GONNA FORGET IT, FUUUUUUUUUU- but it's really fuckin hilarious to read actually, and it's too damn funny to NOT post XD)  
> That, and I've actually got ANOTHER story in the works with some folks from this verse that y'all seem to REALLY like :D I'll be revealing the title in the endnotes of the epilogue... GET STOKED I TELL YOU!!! lol


	11. Gnome-nclature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!!!  
> It's been a wild ride writing this, and I've had a TON of fun reading everyone's comments and such... I've probably said it about a thousand times at this point, but thanks so much for the support, and much love to everyone who's read and commented on this fic!! <3

           Regina was quite pleased with herself when she learned that Sheriff Charming had managed to clear everyone out from in front of Lacey’s house. This was all going _exactly_ according to plan… _Surely_ the second Lacey figured out they were getting the police involved now (which actually _technically_ wasn’t true since she wouldn’t dare put even a single ‘bad’ thing on the neighborhood’s record), she’d remove the gnomes, right? Since Lacey clearly wasn’t taking her and Zelena’s letters seriously, this _had_ to be a better plan.  
  
            She still had quite the smug look on her face even when starting up her car to take Henry to, surprisingly, a birthday party (of all things) for one of his friends today. She legitimately _had_ to pass by Ms. French’s house in order to reach her destination, so this was a perfect opportunity to see if her scare tactic had worked. In her mind, frankly, there wasn’t even an _if_ involved in this either. This _had_ to work.  
  
            She repeated this like a mantra all while driving Henry towards the birthday party, but practically almost choked on her own spit at actually _seeing_ the mountains of gnomes in person now, which were _clearly_ not removed from her yard yet. Henry went from clicking some buttons on an iPod to his mouth dropping open in delighted surprise before absolutely cracking up once again.  
  
            “Hey, mom! Do you think the lady who lives here has _names_ for all of these gnomes? Like some kind of crazy cat lady or something, but with _gnomes_?” he asked while laughing hysterically.  
  
            Regina rolled her eyes a bit. Really, no son of _hers_ should be this… _weird_ , and clearly the continued presence of these gnomes was only going to make it worse.  
  
            Finally, she made a snap decision, pulling her car over to the side of the road. The smile on Henry’s face disappeared; however, when he began asking her ‘what she was doing’, and groaned with exasperation when Regina opened her car door, got out, and slammed it shut. He was clearly embarrassed by his mom’s actions, despite the fact she was the mayor.  
  
            Regina stormed up to Ms. French’s walkway, cringing a bit at the sight of the piles of gnomes now literally surrounding her as she walked up to Ms. French’s door. She knew that _normally,_ in order to do what she was about to do required a permit, but frankly, she was past caring at this point. This _had_ to end…  


            Once at the door, she paused, taking a deep breath in and out to compose herself a bit before lifting her hand to the door… She froze; however, once some… _interesting_ noises reached her ears:  
  
            Regina’s eyes widened and her cheeks began to flush slightly, as her feet felt like they were practically stuck to the floor. Her mouth went slack as she heard the ‘ _noises’_ only getting louder and faster as seconds that now felt like _hours_ went by. Then, _finally_ , she somehow found strength in her legs to move away from the door, and immediately go back to the car as fast as she could, walking with a rigidly straight, almost robotic-like march before getting back into the driver’s seat and slamming her door shut.  
              
            “…You okay, mom? You don’t… you don’t look so hot…” Henry chimed in with concern after the two of them sat in the car in silence for easily about a minute straight.  
  
            “I’m… _fine_ , Henry, I just need to write a quick business email… this will only take a moment sweetheart, I promise. You’ll still be on time to the party, don’t you worry.” She said, feigning sweetness in her voice.  
  
            Henry sighed, shrugging a bit.  
  
            “Okay, I guess…” he said, looking back to his iPod.  
  
            Regina very quickly whipped out her phone, swiping almost aggressively at the innocent piece of technology until an email to Ms. French was now sitting on her screen, blank as Regina’s face most likely looked now. There was no _way_ she could let on that she’d actually been _at_ Ms. French’s house and seen these _monstrosities_ in the front yard… She’d be seen as no better than the gossiping citizens of this little town, after all!   
  
            Her brain raced, typing things out, then quickly erasing them not a second after she’d written them, but she _finally_ came up with an acceptable solution, typing the angry email to Ms. French before hitting send, and making sure Henry still had his seatbelt on before she zoomed away, heading once again to the birthday party Henry was due to go to.   
  
            She figured that the threat of taking Ms. French to court could be a clever bluff if she actually took _this_ threat seriously, but she still worried in the back of her mind that Ms. French _wouldn’t_ take it seriously, since what on Earth would she do at _that_ point? She supposed she’d then have to _actually_ take Ms. French to court, but the thought made her internally groan… She had _infinitely_ better things to do than taking some assumed trollop to court over _lawn decorations_ for God’s sake, despite the fact she _really_ wanted them gone for good… For now; however, all she could do was hope it wouldn’t come to that…

************

            ~3 HOURS LATER~  
  
            Gold reached towards the knobs on Lacey’s shower, turning off the powerful spray of water.  
  
            Lacey had suggested the idea of them showering off together after getting ‘ _delightfully_ dirty’ so they could ‘save water’ (as she had phrased it), but it had turned into Lacey sucking him off with her delightful lips yet again, but to completion this time, with Gold returning the favor with the help of Lacey’s detachable shower head, then his mouth and fingers, and it was absolutely _glorious._

 

            Gold looked down at Lacey who was now lying down on the shower floor. Her damp hair was drying and becoming beautifully curly while she stared at him with a small smile on her face while her lips were ever so slightly parted with bliss. Her gorgeous legs were still spread wantonly, with one of her hands still limply groping one of her own breasts while the other one lay lazily on top of one of her thighs.  
  
            _“Beautiful_ …” he murmured.  
  
            Lacey clearly heard him, giggling cutely at the compliment, making her cheeks flush an even deeper red.  
  
            “I won’t lie to you, Thaddeus…” she began, “I didn’t think you had _all of that_ in you… no offense…” she said, smiling sheepishly.  
  
            “None taken,” he smiled, “Hell, _I_ didn’t think I had it in _me_!” he said with a chuckle.  
  
            Lacey grunted a bit as she rose up on wobbly legs and knees to meet him.  
  
            “Well, it’s a good thing _I’m_ here to keep you on your toes then, eh?” she said, playfully swatting his arm before kissing him on the nose.  
  
            She stepped out of the shower a bit clumsily before wrapping her hair up in a towel before beginning to wrap one around her body. Gold was practically one step ahead of her, though, coming up behind her and enveloping her in the towel and his (somewhat surprisingly) warmth. He placed gentle kisses on her shoulders and neck as he caressed her body with the fluffy towel, lovingly drying her off as she practically purred her approval.  
  
            She turned her head and captured his lips, with the two of them melting into each other as they slowly and passionately kissed.  
  
            They suddenly were interrupted with the sound of Lacey’s phone buzzing. Lacey reluctantly broke away from him, grabbing her phone with a sigh and swiping at the screen to see ‘what was up’.  
  
            “Anything important?” Gold asked her, planting kisses on her shoulders and neck again.  
  
            “Not so far…. Although, I missed an email apparently…” she said curiously, opening it as she spoke.  
  
            It was from Regina again, and _clearly_ she wasn’t happy about Lacey’s even _larger_ amount of gnomes she now possessed.  
  
            “Fuck! _Again?!_ ” she said a touch angrily, grumbling a bit.

 

            Gold happened to glance over her shoulder, seeing part of the email upon first glance. _Wow_ , Regina really _was_ going all out in trying to prosecute Lacey (somehow) without destroying the gnomes… How strangely _compassionate_ and _obedient_ of her…  


            “Oh _Thaddeus_ …” Lacey purred. “I believe _you_ get to help me clean them all up, since _you_ were too afraid to approach me about them in the first place!” she said, booping him on the nose with her finger.  
  
            Gold froze, briefly feeling like she’d punched him in the stomach. He knew she was right, but being reminded of his cowardice head-on was still a bit painful…  
  
            “Of course, sweetheart…” he began. “However, I might be a touch… _slower_ than you when working…” he said.  
  
            Lacey frowned, but then smiled at him again almost immediately.

 

            “Oh, that’s alright… You can keep up with me in _bed_ , so that _very_ much makes up for it…” she purred, briefly cupping him before playfully skipping away from him, giggling all the while.

 

            In reality, Gold actually _surpassed_ Lacey in some ways in bed, but she wasn’t quite ready to tell him that just yet. For now, she absolutely delighted in the way her Thaddeus started after her with a growl, and eventually caught up with her. Grabbing her by the waist and tickling her playfully, making her shriek with delight.  
  
            “Ah, yes, my dear, but we do have _plenty_ of time to work with, now, don’t we?” he said with a growl, groping one of Lacey’s pert little breasts hungrily.  
  
            Lacey moaned with want before chuckling a deeper, practically evil sounding chuckle at his comment.  
  
            “Funny, you call _me_ the insatiable one, and yet look at _you_ …” she purred.

            She seductively rubbed her ass against his now half-hardened cock to emphasize her point as he continued to grope her.  
  
            “Well, clearly _you_ don’t seem to be objecting too much…” Gold said before leaving yet another love bite on her neck, and moving his hand lower towards her nether curls.  
  
            “…After all, I don’t know about you, but I still have _many_ fantasies I’d like to fulfill today with you wrapped in my arms…” he said, nibbling her earlobe.  
  
            “ _Mmm_ … I don’t think I mind that one bit…” Lacey said, turning her neck enough to capture his lips again.  
  
            That was the understatement of the _year_ , but she didn’t really want to focus on anything besides her and Thaddeus wrapped up in each other for the moment. Real life could wait just a little bit longer for them to catch up today, since, frankly, she needed to fulfill at _least_ three more fantasies of hers today, not even counting whatever Thaddeus potentially had up his sleeve…

            Indeed, it had taken what felt like an eternity, but Lacey (or, rather, _Belle_ in a way) finally found where she belonged, and she couldn’t be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE.  
> MOTHER.  
> FUCKIN.  
> END!  
> *drops mic*  
> .....  
> .......  
> ....  
> ...... *whispers* You know, besides the epilogue coming up next XD


	12. Epilogue - Gnome Is Where The Heart Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A.K.A. Probably the wierdest epilogue you will ever read in your life XD

~3 WEEKS LATER~

           It was an absolutely _gorgeous_ day outside, with barely a cloud in the sky, the sun shining down, and everything just feeling all around bright and wonderful, being the absolutely _perfect_ day for the neighborhood’s annual Spring Block Party. This had been started _years_ ago, when Henry was about six or seven, and Regina had found that he seemed rather lonely. Thus, she decided on a whim that there’d be a marvelous party thrown in his honor in about 2 days out, and the townspeople were all required to show up. Henry had definitely liked the idea of a party; however, being the incredibly bright and delightful boy that he was, he insisted that everyone in town should be _invited_ , but they weren’t all _required_ to attend, and, on top of that, why not make it a party where everybody could have fun and get to know one another, not just himself and Regina? After all, she could finally have someone to share her delicious apple turnovers with besides him! Thus, the annual Spring Block Party was born.  
  
            Regina smiled to herself at the thought of this precious memory. The event had started off a bit small, but it seemed to get larger and larger every year, with even people who didn’t live in that particular neighborhood contributing their own ideas and resources they had to make bigger and better activities, and all sorts of things, with this year being no exception.   
  
            Today there was an incredibly large inflatable slide of sorts in the middle of the street that the townspeople had held a fundraiser to rent out for the children during the party. It had _started_ _out_ as a fun thing for the _children_ , and yet, out of the corner of her eye, Regina couldn’t help but notice Henry and some of his friends sliding down it, and even some of the full-grown adults sliding down as well. There were smaller carnival games all around, delicious food as far as the eye could see (yes, including Regina’s apple turnovers, which were always a _huge_ hit), and smiles all around.  
  
            The neighborhood even put on a contest for who could have the most decorative front yard this year, being the first time they’d ever done something like this. The townspeople had all but _begged_ Ms. French to participate given the fiasco that had happened not that long ago, but she politely declined, leaving the townspeople a touch disappointed, but determined to make a show of their own yards in her place. Regina shook her head as she looked about each of the neighbors’ yards: They were _all_ gnome-themed in some way.   
  
            The yards’ themes had been deemed a surprise until the actual event was put on, but based off the gossip floating around just days before, she had a pretty good idea of what they were all going to do, and she’d been 100% correct: Every lawn that was entered into the contest had a sign up front that said ' _Gnome_ Is Where the Heart Is', along with a number underneath the title so you could vote which yard you wanted to win via a large, clear, glass bowl with little slips of paper people would fill out and drop into it in order to vote. Granted, they were certainly _very_ far from being like the gnomes that had been present in Lacey’s yard (thank goodness), but it was actually kind of humorous, especially with David and his new fiancé Mary Margaret dressing up as gnomes and handing out cutely ( _also_ gnome-themed) decorated cupcakes and cups of lemonade while they sat on lawn chairs in their front lawn and watched everyone walk about and have fun.  
  
            It’s funny, the day Regina had dropped Henry off at the birthday party had started off _disastrous_ , with her spotting the _mountains_ of gnomes in Ms. French’s yard, and making lots of angry phone calls back home while Henry was off having fun, in preparation for if Ms. French did not do as Regina requested. She had been downright _fuming_ as she drove to pick up Henry hours upon hours later, only to find each and every gnome miraculously removed from Lacey’s front yard. This had actually cheered Regina up a bit before finally retrieving Henry. As a matter of fact, Regina was so pleased with herself that she made some apple turnovers that night. There was, of course, one large one for a very delighted Henry, a smaller one for herself (she had to watch her figure after all, didn’t she?), and one last larger one made for Ms. French, of all people.

            She wrapped the third warm apple turnover in a basket along with a handwritten note that simply said “Thank You” in some of her best script, and headed out while Henry was busy playing video games. She dropped the turnover off on Ms. French’s doorstep, and sent her an email, more thoroughly thanking her for complying with her wishes, and telling her to check her doorstep. Not two days later, Regina had come home one afternoon to find a bag with a little note attached at her front door step. She was hesitant to pick it up at first, thinking it was possibly an incredibly sick prank, until she caught a whiff of the delectable smell of warm chocolate, and some very loopy script forming the words “You’re Welcome” on the note. She opened it up to find some of the most delicious chocolate chip cookies she’d ever tasted, and made sure to save plenty for Henry when he arrived home from school that day.

            Regina even made it a point to visit Ms. French at her home one day to actually get to know her better, after Henry insisted she go over and thank her for the yummy cookies. She was quite shocked to see _Mr. Gold_ of all people sitting in the woman’s living room, but slightly less surprised when she noticed him eating some very familiar looking cookies... She asked for the recipe, claiming that Henry loved them so much she wanted to start making them for Henry herself. The French girl wouldn’t share the recipe, claiming they were a ‘family secret’, but kindly offered to make some extras whenever Regina came to visit her home so she could take some back to Henry if she wished. The women agreed to their strange little ‘deal’, and a friendship bloomed from that point onwards. They certainly weren’t _best friends_ or anything, and most likely couldn’t be counted as much more than acquaintances at this point, but Regina found it was rather nice to have someone she could talk to besides her son when she wasn’t working.   
  
            It boggled her mind to find Mr. Gold coming over to Ms. French’s house a lot more often than she imagined he would tolerate. The French girl’s cookies were _delicious_ , but there was no _way_ Mr. Gold was visiting her that often just to satisfy a sweet tooth…or was he possibly satisfying a _different_ kind of craving? It made Regina shudder a little since she _certainly_ didn’t want to think about the kinds of things French and Gold could get up to, particularly considering the noises she’d once heard emanating from the French residence (even worse, could _GOLD_ have been making French make those noises she heard?), she _really_ didn’t want to think about it… Although, her suspicions appeared to be confirmed when she happened to catch some of the gnomes from Ms. French’s front yard not only now in _her_ back yard, but in _Gold’s_ back yard as well… As much as she _really_ didn’t want to witness that, unfortunately, she had no power over Lacey’s backyard, so the gnomes had gotten to stay where they were.

 

            She felt that this little town she essentially ruled over was being inhabited by stranger and stranger people, but at this moment, she couldn’t find it in herself to care as she walked along the street, happily munching on one of her own apple turnovers. She happened to catch Ms. French’s house out of the corner of her eye, and damn near choked on her turnover at what she saw now:

            …Today, there was a _thong_ upon the body of a plastic pink flamingo; besides the usual pair of goofy sunglasses it constantly wore.  
  
            Not long after the whole ‘gnome fiasco’ had taken place, Ms. French had ‘compromised’ by having the flamingo in her yard, which, yes, typically wore sunglasses of Ms. French’s choosing, and the glasses seemed to change practically every week. On top of that, apparently the flamingo’s name was Jerry, according to Henry who had found that out from Ms. French herself, while Henry was checking out a library book, and Ms. French appeared to be filling out a resume to apply to work at the library one afternoon. Regina had let it slide since she was more than sick of dealing with any aspect of Ms. French’s front yard, but now she was about ready to blow a gasket.  
  
            She grumbled a bit as she whipped out her phone and began composing an email:  
              
            _May 1 st, 2015_

 

            _Dear Ms. French –_

_It has been brought to my attention that the flamingo on display in your front yard is wearing a_ thong _._  
  
            

Regina looked up from her phone for a moment to make sure she wasn’t running into anyone, when she saw Zelena making goo-goo eyes at a rather handsome man named Robin that had actually moved in not long ago, and had been invited to come to the block party by Ms. French, despite the fact he hadn’t lived in town for very long yet to get to know everyone. The poor man’s eyes reflected what appeared to be dislike, even though he seemed to at least be _humoring_ Zelena, and was occasionally eyeing the large inflatable slide. Regina rolled her eyes at the incredibly forward redhead before following Robin’s gaze, and couldn’t help but chuckle at the goofy sight of Mary Margaret happily sliding down the slide with Robin’s son, Roland, while her fiancé waited at the bottom for them. She gazed at the sight happily for a moment, before snapping herself out of it to continue her letter: _  
  
            I refuse to deal with this myself any longer, and will be hiring a new HOA President, as I believe Zelena isn’t fully equipped to deal with this either.  
  
              
_             Really, why on _Earth_ had she hired that woman again…?  
  
              
_I will send you the contact information of the new HOA President as soon as I have it so you can take this up with him or her._  
  
            Thanks!  
  
            Regina Mills, Storybrooke Mayor

 

Regina was about to send it off; when a sudden, spontaneous thought came to her, and she decided to go with it, adding: _  
  
            P.S. Hopefully we can still meet up for tea next week?  
  
            _ She hit ‘send’ before she could find it in herself to possibly regret sounding desperate or something, and put her phone away.  
  
            Regina then took a deep breath, and confidently began to walk up to Robin, who _very_ much looked like he could use some assistance to get Zelena away from him. She figured she had it in her to stuff her pride and her reputation on the shelf for ten measly minutes and ask Robin if he wanted to go slide down the big inflatable slide with her and maybe his little boy, considering how much the boy appeared to be enjoying it, along with everyone else…  
  
******  
  
            MEANWHILE…  
  
            Alice was taking a break from doing face painting and creating fake little tattoo designs on children’s arms and shoulders to walk arm-in-arm with her husband Jefferson, seeing the sights of this year’s block party and grabbing something yummy to eat along the way. She loved her husband to pieces, even when he was being, well, _Jefferson_ , since, after all, she was just as odd, if not _odder_ than him. She had no right to deny him the silly faces he would make at the children to make them laugh, or the ridiculous comments he’d say to the adults, making them all laugh just as hard, if not harder. She smiled, gently laying a hand on her belly as they walked, feeling their growing child kick the slightest bit. She knew Jefferson would make the most _wonderful_ father, and they certainly deserved the happiness they now had, considering the incredibly rocky road their relationship had endured in their past… She paid good money to go see Archie, the local psychiatrist, to work out the many things that plagued her mind about what her and Jefferson had been through together up until now, and, finally, after living in this little town for about four years, she was ready to _really_ move her and Jefferson’s life together forward.   
  
            None of these townspeople knew of the life her and Jefferson had practically escaped from not all that long ago, and for that, she was grateful. Despite the kind words the timid psychiatrist spoke to her claiming otherwise, she knew that people would most likely be terrified if they knew what she had been before moving here… After all, people she met before coming to Storybrooke had _always_ been terrified when they found who and what she was… all except for Jefferson, that is.

  
            She had originally thought that the only people she needed in her life were Jefferson and her growing child (and possibly Archie), but as she walked along with her husband, seeing all the faces of the townspeople mingling with one another, she figured she could finally let more people in. They were all fairly nice, and since her husband approved of them despite some ugly rumors she occasionally heard about the two of them, she’d gladly approve of them as well.  
  
            Alice was practically so lost in her own little world that she barely noticed Jefferson leave her side for the briefest of moments, then return back, chuckling like he had a dirty little secret. She raised a single eyebrow at him before stopping them in their tracks.  
  
            “ _Sweetie bear_ , what did you do?” Alice said as she crossed her arms, and began to tap a single finger on one of her arms.  
  
            Jefferson knew this look very well. She wasn’t necessarily _angry_ , but God knew she _would_ get angry if whomever she was talking to would even _try_ to lie about whatever was going on. Frankly, he knew that it _shouldn’t_ , and yet, God help him, this expression she had turned him on like nobody’s business. This look was once used to intimidate people, and yet, when she used it on him, he always felt like she was staring into his very _soul_ , and could read him like a book. If anyone else but Alice wore an expression like this, it would at _least_ make him cringe a little, or make him be legitimately terrified, especially his past self, but with Alice, it was different. He loved her _so_ much that he _wanted_ her to be able to read him like an open book. He _wanted_ to bear his soul to her, and show her he was entirely hers, and devoted to her like no one else could ever be.  
  
            Jefferson continued to giggle madly despite Alice’s ‘look’ turning him on a bit, scooting ever so slightly closer to her, and discreetly pointing to Lacey’s front yard, and more specifically, the pink flamingo standing there.  
  
            “I already _knew_ those two knuckleheads have been going at it like _rabbits_ for quite a while now, but I just happened to find one of Lacey’s _thongs_ in the middle of her front yard, and took the liberty of applying some ‘creative license’ so they won’t get in as big of trouble, and so I won’t accidentally interrupt anything… I knew she seemed _incredibly_ into the Kama Sutra position I told her about the other day, despite her trying her damndest to _not_ look like she was into it, but I didn’t think she’d jump the gun _this quickly_!” he giggled.  
  
            Alice couldn’t help but giggle the slightest bit when she figured out what her husband was implying. She still needed to meet Lacey, especially since Jefferson seemed to be growing fonder of her by the day, and he always seemed to bring home some incredibly delicious chocolate chip cookies that she began craving more and more while in her ‘condition’... Maybe she’d drop by Lacey’s place sometime when Jefferson’s new friend _wasn’t_ ‘hanging out’ with Mr. Gold, as it were, to finally introduce herself in person.  
  
            “I heard from Lacey that Mr. Gold paid to have new, better insulation installed in her house... I can only imagine they’re making good use of that right now, although I certainly wish they’d ‘join society’ today… it’s such a nice day, after all!” he said, with a slight pout to his voice, putting on a frown too goofy to be taken seriously.  
  
            Alice smiled, playfully batting him on the shoulder.  
  
            “ _Pumpkin_ , if that poor girl gets in trouble because of your ‘creative license’, _you’re_ bailing her out of it, do you hear me?” she said, raising both her eyebrows in an attempt to look serious despite the smile that still existed on her face.  
  
            “Anything for you, _my_ _love_ …” Jefferson purred, bringing one of her hands to his lips and gently kissing her on the knuckles before guiding them away from Lacey’s yard.  
  
            Alice found herself blushing a little, despite the fact he’s done this many-a-time. She sighed happily, resting her head on Jefferson’s shoulder as they continued to walk. She really was the _luckiest_ woman in the world…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....confused yet??  
>  FUCKIN GREAT!
> 
> I can practically HEAR the questions forming in your brain, and I WANT you to be confused, since I can finally reveal that thing I said I was gonna tell y'all about at the very end of Gnomeland Security!! 
> 
> *drum roll*
> 
> A BUNCH of you LOVED my wacky, adorable variation of Jefferson, and my brain decided to add Alice into the mix, and unleash a rather large plot bunny...
> 
> Find out 'what/who Alice used to be', how she and Jefferson eventually meet, and what happened in their pasts for them to end up in Storybrooke, becoming an eccentric gardner/naughty ceramic gnome creator and a mysterious, sexy tattoo artist and bartender in "An Ace Up Her Sleeve"!!! COMING [hopefully] SOON TO AN AO3 NEAR YOU!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (*is WAY too fuckin hyped for my own prequel-ish story holy shit XD)
> 
> In other news, as a reminder of sorts, I'll be posting a deleted scene from this fic and the original, unedited (and nonsensical lol) plot breakdown of Gnomeland Security, so stay tuned for that as well!! Thanks SO much for reading!!! <3 <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [That Really Goofy Deleted Scene](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9726851) by [Ultimatefan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultimatefan/pseuds/Ultimatefan)




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